Long time no write...

Just got in from the big B-More. I had a really good time. Listening to a seventy year old woman (my grandmother) say the same stories over and over has become quite fascinating because I look for the changes each time I hear it. I think she has a really good memory because none of the wording changed. However, I heard more stories than I care to share about my Aunt Cathy not coming to pick my grandfather up to go to the hospital and my grandmother having to tear the stormdoor down. Her actions of taking the stormdoor into her own hands was quite "Sheera" inspired if you ask me. But none the less I listened on and on and on and on. However, I don't mind listening to her talk and repeat herself...it is just that when she stands in front of the television and blocks the picture and closed captioning that I get a little irritated. You see I watch and read the television so I can also hear her talk. Think of it as multitasking. Move it Granny...I didn't know I was tuning into saggy ass tv tonight?

What a small world...

So I took my Granny to the bank for her to get money and things situated and I was sitting there with no air conditioning so I had the windows down. Well this woman with bootie shorts and blond hair comes over to me and is like do you have a light? And a cigarette? I was like no. Well she proceeds to sit down next to the truck and starts talking about how she is from Martinsburg, WV and blah blah blah. Oh did I mention she was just released for prostitution? Huh...must have slipped my fucking mind...this is the second hooker that has tried to pick me up and turn a trick. I got to see some really ugly hooker get picked up by some big fat bastard and they drove off into the sunset...I really wanted to follow them and be like...this is a stick up...oh I see you've already taken care of that...ha...ha! Anywho, the WV hooker is all like "So what's your name? What are you doing here? Where's your grandmother and how long will she be? Oh and by the way are you a cop?" Hello...do I look like a cop? No..and don't you think you should have asked that before trying to get with me...ewww hooker pussy...how nasty...ugh! The only pussy that has been getting thrown my way is Curtis Bay Poon (it's this part of Baltimore that smells like fifty day old used tampon...it's gross). And at that I'd have to pay for it or give her a ride back to Martinsburg.

What a small ass world!

The Granny Translations

So my Granny is notorious for mispronouncing words and here are a couple that I heard on my visit:

1. Hankchakiff...or more popularly known as hankerchief. Used in a sentence..."Your grandfather is not supposed to use tissues he has to use white hankchakiffs (hank...cha...kiff)."

2. Teajus...or what would be pronounced tedious. Used in a sentence..."Wrapping the porcelain to be boxed is a teajus (te..jus) job."

3. Reppickle...or in webster's as replica. Used in a sentence..."My Princess Diana plates are the real thing they are not reppickles (rep...pickles)."

When I think of somemore I'll be sure to inform you all. Remember to use these words from now on...oh and the sentences above are the ones that were spoken by Granny...Lord help her.

Laytizzle my bizzle on the skizzle repizzle...

Paul