Anyone out there?

Hmm. I'm almost at a loss for words right now. Thinking can be one of the most dangerous things that we as humans do. I've come to the conclusion that I will never find anyone. It's pretty depressing when you think about it. But for the most part I'm happy being with myself. I mean I don't get into arguments or have to serve anyone but myself. So those are pluses. But there also come a lot of negatives. Friends just aren't filling the void anymore. Not that I have the most friends in the world. But I love the ones I do have. I really want someone...is there anyone out there? That is what I have been thinking about over the past couple of weeks. Anyone pretty much specifies anyone. I'm not partial to dragqueens or midgets or any oddity of a person. You can't choose who you want to love or choose to live with. I have seen several friends go through this. They are happier now than they have ever been. Sex really doesn't mean much to me anyway...it's too sweaty(hmm...weight loss). Me...I find many people attractive and some more than others I find myself more than attracted to. This isn't a coming out of the closet moment it's just a thought. Yes I have been with someone of the same sex before but it amounted to nothing and I actually felt like the world was going to cave in because it was wrong. But that relationship was purely sexual. I've been with one person who was male. But, I was really young and immature as well as the other person. Experimentation can be a bitch. It lasted for several months. However, I have been with several ladies...but I haven't went the distance. Let's just say that the other things people mention are quite fun especially with women. Hang me on the cross if you must but it's part of who I was. I cannot predict the future. For those of you that read this you may find this alarming but oh well it's really no one's business except my own. Only several people know this about me and I really don't think the parentals need to know more than I've shared. I wouldn't be alive if my father found out about the first relationship. My mother knows some things but I choose not to hurt her more than I already have. I have always found myself attracted to anyone. I guess it's my flaw...I don't know. I think that all people are beautiful in some aspect. Whether it be their eyes, hair, teeth or personality there is always something that is attractive about a person. Now I'm not saying that all people are gorgeous because I have meant some dogs if you know what I'm saying. More importantly, I think I am hopelessly attracted to someone that I've not said before. It has gotten to the point that I wake up thinking of this person. I don't know if any of it could amount to a pile of beans but oh well. Maybe I'm just being silly but I don't think so. But damn did I meet one sexy bastard last night. Hmm...you're probably wondering. It's not a sexual attraction I just want to bite him. I have this thing with skin and biting. Didn't know I was such the freak did ya? Amanda totally understands it. It's not like I want to jump this person's bones I just wouldn't mind a random kiss. Dwayne you bad bad man why do you have to be so attractive. Oh and if you think I'm all Queer as Folk it's not that...because the person I want to be with is female. God my life is too confusing. But I think I'll be happier one day...hopefully sooner than later. Why couldn't shit just have worked out with Summer. I could have babies and everything now. Sometimes I think that I've had a horrible trick played on me. Summer...damnit. Why do I always think about her? I know the first love thing and what not but it gets to be annoying that I compare everyone to her. She was placed on my throne and not many people live up to her. My heart sometimes bleeds for her. It's like a dream that I can't wake up from. Thinking of her almost everyday drives me crazy and I try to block it out. I guess pain has a longer staying power than I thought it could. Anyway, I'm bored and tired of writing my life story so I'm going to find something else to do before I go crazy.

And please keep this entry to yourself that's all I ask.

Paul