You know it's on ething to be deconstruction to property but it's another thing to destroy yourself. God how stupid I've been. Mentally I'm a total basket case. And when Imean basket case I'm like an endless picnic basket full of dark thoughts. Dont take this as me being all blah..blah...blah. No I'm not thinking all homicidal or suicidal. I'm just bored with thinking. It would be great of me to think nice things all day but lately I've been at a loss. Good God the song I'm listening to is "Cry Me A River." Well I just need to build the bridge and get over it. Right? Anti-depressants just don't seem to work. What is it with being depressed anyway? It's like I'm happy for so long but it just fades away and I'm in that shell again. I don't know exactly what drags me down but something does. Wether it be lonliness(companionship), my health or realizing what a big old addict I am. I just don't know. I told my mom today that I was attracted to another guy. I have no clue how I had the courage to do it but I did. I expected a "click" but she was okay it with as much as one can expect. The thing is I don't want to define my sexuality. I mean I find myself attracted to all kinds of people. Male or Female it just doesn't matter to me. I don't really want a relationship, which my parents say would do me wonders. I wish I could just pop out of this mood. Today has been an awful day of feening. It's amazing the cage drugs builds around your thoughts. When you try to concentrate on something you always seem to be distracted. What I wouldn't give for some mental clarity. I almost feel like I've been on a binge and I'm strung out. But I'm not. Pain management or the better word rehab starts on October 27th. Hopefully this will have a positive effect on me. Mom told me today that my doctor knew I was addicted to pain killers or what have you before she even told him. See I knew people could tell it's just I didn't want to face it myself. But time changes and I guess you finally "wake up" or whatever the quote is. I'm really glad I'm lucky enought to have woken up at such an early age. I couldn't imagine being a junkie in his late 30's and be worth noghting or ever worse dead. But such is life...sa la vie. At least I know I have friends and family that are cool with being there for me. They have been there for a long time it's just that I've ignored the problem. No more hiding this time...right?