Here's a thought

So the other day my father and I were driving around Frederick when I came back from the doctor's and we had been talking about whatever and he had mentioned this:

"You are the best thing that could have happened to your mother and I."

And all I could think of was:

"But the worst thing that has happened to myself."

For whatever reason this has stuck with me over the past couple of days. It's amazing to me how self destructive I am. Wether it be when I drank all the time or was heavy into taking pills. Regardless, I've come to realize that I am dangerous to myself when it comes to tolerance and pressure. You see I made a pact with myself not to drink this weekend. Friday night was a breeze since I slept it away. However, Saturday was not so easy. When April asked me if I wanted to go have a margarita I really wanted to. But I knew that taking medicine I shouldn't. But then to make matters worse it was either stay home and read or go to Frank's party. Well somehow I managed to stay home. Maybe because I took 3 sleeping pills so I would be too tired to go anywhere. But I did it. This is like the first time in a long time that I have been able to resist. Now when it comes to pills I can't say I'm as successful. Although I haven't been around any so I can't say for sure. Hmm. Realizing that you are an addict or an in the process of recovering/was an addict is a lot different than I thought it would be. Trying to buy pills, steal them, whatever it's just not cool anymore. Thank God Charles Town and the latter is dry because I'm feening and not in a good way. But somehow I'll manage just like I do everyday. It's crazy that doctor's give you something to take away the pain but don't give you anything to take away the craving of what took away the pain. Now I can almost see eye to eye with the people that go the all natural remedy way. I woke up this morning feening for pills just like every other day but for some reason today was different. Today I realized that wanting them this bad is not good. I mean yeah I like the euphoria they bring but it is only temporary. Plus Barb had said something yesterday about me being "stoned" all the time. How does she know without actually knowing. I'm glad that she said something..it's weird. It's like she knew I had been bad without me having to say anything. I'm tired of people associating me with the name "Pill Popper." Now I have the stigma. People are always asking me "are you still on medicine?" like they know I abused them and for some reason I'm sure they could figure it out on their own that I was. Maybe this is just a phase but I really hope that it isn't. I think I need to have more respect for myself and now that I'm starting to actually be myself I'm not going to let myself rely on drugs or alcohol for that temporary fix of emotions. So whatever is whatever...I just know I don't want to be that person found dead from a night of too much fun.

I really think that I have this woman to thank for me starting to appreciate myself more: Lyrics to Beautiful by Christina Aguilera

Don't look at me Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the fame, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone and the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words won't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words won't bring you down

Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay
And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

Serious thought of the day: "It's amazing to me how words can have such an effect on the mind. But when they are sung not spoken do they really transform the soul."