When at work I had to write

It's weird to think about how we can never relive another day. Would we change anything if we could? What difference would it make in our future? We can only remember those days and think about what could have been done differently. Not that I would change much, if anything at all. I think I would have played more, studied more, and tried different foods. Just small things that seem to bother me today. I should have kept more people close to me and not pushed them away as I most always tend to do...just to know that they are doing well. I'm pretty content with me at the present time but, I'm starting to realize just how much of a lost soul I am. The truth is that I don't want to be found. I'd love to stay hidden to myself because only I understand me most of the time. Yes, I appreciate my family and friends but I dream of just being alone. I feel like I'm in my own political party as a "separatist." I don't really think much about current events or the other bullshit in the world. I find myself wanting to break free from society and just be the loner I have always been. Even as a child I kept to myself for most all of the day. Even at school I would sit alone, eat alone, and for most of elementary school play alone. It's not that I didn't have friends I just liked being with me...again alone. Sometimes I wonder if this is odd for a person to wish themselves to be free of others or if it is normal and people just deny themselves the truth to what they have always longed for...self. It is difficult for a lot of people to understand this concept of being alone and enjoying/loving every moment of being by yourself. Everyone always tells me it's because I haven't found that special someone and things will change, "give it time." But deep down inside, even though a snuggle buddy would be nice, I just want to be left alone. When I want to be around others or communicate I'll do so but if I don't just please understand my psyche. Not that it is that easy to grasp. Sometimes I wonder if I fully can grasp it myself. I think, and this may sound crazy, that when I die my heaven or "paradise" as Dante says will be an eternity of just me. Yeah I'll admit that I do crave company sometimes for long periods of time but I am always led to the same place of wanting to be alone. I think about all the people around me at work and how if none on them were here and there was a defening silence how grand it would be. I do enjoy their company however, I'd much rather prefer to be left alone without distraction and just do my job. Even in the car when I'm alone I love the feeling of it just being me driving wherever and being able to do this alone so that I absorb the whole trip. I'm tired of making other people laugh and helping them cheer up but when I'm happiest (quiet and distant) I'm told there has got to be a problem or that I make it hard for them to deal with me because of my mood. Obviously, I wouldn't be so defensive if they would just step back and keep quiet. I love to go into my own world. It gives me time to think and just be myself even if it is all mentally. I feel happy just being silent and having my mind race with thoughts and ideas. You get to know yourself so much just by thinking about stuff. Sometimes, I wish that I were on my own. Coming home each night to my little apartment and doing what I want to do with no one else around. Maybe I am just trying to live in a fantasy world. I don't know but I truly know I would enjoy it. Despite what other people try to force feed me. I wonder if this will ever happen? Can it? Probably not but it would be wonderful. There are times when I just close my eyes and block out the world and it is wonderful to me not hearing or seeing anything or anyone. But anyway...another day is passing that can never be seen or experienced again. At least I have my journal to remind me of what I had going on this or that day to look at years from now.

After I wrote all of this at work by the end of the day I was ready to go home. Leaving work I had volunteered to go to Professional Services which means I would transfer departments for about 5 months out of the year. Well when everyone found out it was an outcry of do not go. Cheryl was most upset. For the first time in a long time I felt that people wanted me around. It felt good for awhile but then I realized just how much it is all based on me being the goofy/silly person they can turn to just to make them feel better. I may have a good personality when it comes to making people feel good but I'm terrible at not satisfying myself. When I hurt people like Cheryl who told me "I never cared if any of my other cuby buddies left but I am devistated now that you are going to leave" I feel a need to not do what I think I should do. Maybe that is my flaw that I give of myself but never fully satisfy myself. Yeah there is the material aspect which I always take care of but the emotional side that is always neglected. Life is such a bitch...and for me questioning if I would want to be born if I had the choice I'm most certain actually 99% positive that I would say no. Is this a bad thing...I don't think so. My mother got really upset when we were talking about this one time and I told her if I had the choice I wouldn't have been born which made her extremely upset and I can understand why so the opinion changed to an I'm just joking answer. If you had the option to be born would you take it or leave it? Have you ever even thought about it? I have as you can tell.

Well it's almost 6 so I'm going to get a shower and knit or do something constructive. And Aunt Ganda it's different for you not worrying about cuddling because you have had someone for the past 17 years to do that with but for those of us that never have it...it's a pain in the ass. I just want to wake up some days and be able to see him/her/someone beside me sleeping and watch them sleeping and when they wake up feel their arms around me. So yeah maybe my thoughts at work aren't exactly accurate when it comes to me wanting to be alone but I've had someone and I just pushed them away in the end.

Whatevah...