Just Me

I'm tired...exhausted. I just want peace. Sometimes I feel like the only peace I'll find is when I die. I don't know just how much more my heart can take. I am a stone wall whose barriers are slowly starting to breakdown. There breaking down so fast that I don't think I'll make it to see 23. I'm depressed..confused...I'm slowly dying inside. All I want to do today is cry. Cry because that's all I have left to do. It seems like in my life when things are going for the better there is always some obstacle that arises. Why does it always have to come so soon when things seem to be in order. I've cried over the whole Constance and Sarah and April issue. I feel like it's my fault...like I should have never introduced them then everything would be okay. I feel like I create all the drama that comes in my life and I also feel like that is all my life will ever be. One big let down. All I can say to Constance and Sarah is that I'm sorry for excluding you in my life. I've been dealing with demons that I sure will overtake me. But no one needs to know what they are. I'm a mess....a total mess. Today is the first day in a long time that I've thought life just isn't worth it. Today is the first time in two years I've wanted to end it. No this isn't a cry for help it's just another part of me that most people never get to see. The depressed side. Although it is there everyday I keep it bottled up inside because it's something that I have to deal with and no amount of love or any amount of pills will ever take it away. I will always have a wall when it comes to showing my emotions...it's just something that has always been here with me. I'll die with a broken heart because I'm not willing nor will I ever be ready to let people inside. Sometimes I think that I'm truly crazy and that I avoid reality. I'm tired of being happy all the time because happiness isn't coming from a happy place. Life is just a mess. It would be better off ended. I wish that I could take some pills or something to make me feel better today but I have a feeling that no matter what I were to take that it wouldn't help. It would probably spiral me even deeper into myself. And that is not a good thing. The deeper I go the more I seem to find out that I worry about. I am absolutely losing it. I just want to go away. If Dr. Kavorkian were here today I'd probably take him up on his offer. But I'd have to decide that I am that brave. To take your own life is the bravest thing someone can do. At least in my book. But aside from that I'd never do it because deep down even through all this bullshit I'm still thankful to be alive.