Better off being alone

So I finally decide that I need to open my heart to people more and let them a little closer. Well that was my 450th mistake of the decade. So why is it that when I decide to try to become a more open person that the door gets closed right in my face. I've decided that I am better off being alone. I mean I'll have my family, April and Amanda but as for that I'm going to have to distance myself from a lot of other people. Constance, Angel, and Sarah please don't take this the wrong way...you three are still my homegirls for life. But I've decided that my heart is going to remain permanently closed...vacant..dormant. I've had it with being Mr. Nice all the time without even asking for anything in return. What I do get in return is attitude, snide remarks, and sometimes even extremely hurtful things said to me. Sometimes I wish that I didn't exist because I'm the person that will always be on the outside looking in. When I finally start to share myself with people it's like I'm judged, call a freak, or even worse. I have many layers to my personality that I would love to share with people but I've come to the conclusion that these layers will stay permanently bond for only me to know and understand. Have you ever wished that for one day people could experience what it is like to be you? Well I have...actually I've wished that I could be someone totally different on a regular basis. I'd love to escape from my own reality into some better reality where I'm actually accepted and not seen as a nuisance. My heart is so full of pain that I feel it will give out on me sooner than anyone expects. It sometimes eats me alive to think of certain things that have happened to me and still continue to happen. I'd love to have a family one day and you know it may happen but I'll still think I would be better off alone. Alone is a place where I find comfort and stability. It's where I learn the most about myself and about who I truly am. I'm not the person that people see me for because everyday I wear a masque that hides the true me and that's how it will always be. I've always hid behind masques like I'm on an extended trip to a Masquerade Ball. I'm not only 3 dimensional emotionally but probably 100th dimensional. Being silly is my way of dealing with everyday life. Again I do believe that God has blessed me with the talent to make people smile...even if it is only for a second but I wish that I got something that I enjoyed in return at least once. Granted that I do have a lot to be thankful for in most part to my family...especially my mother and father but the only thing that I truly want above all things is peace. Peace with myself to accept that I will be the person who grows old and dies alone. But I've come to realize that alone is a comfort that not many people have been able to master. Love Paul