The Email

Paul, I just want to say I LOVE YOU no matter what. However, please try to keep in mind your fathers feelings regarding all this. I know that you and your father have never seen eye to eye and most likely will never. I hope that you have respect enough to try to handle things with him different then you do me. Your father LOVES you to no end, but I really think he could never handle any of this. I beleive in the back of his mind he may think something, but will never admit it nor could never accept it and to no fault of his own. Your Dad along the way somehow lost his open mind and why I do
not know and I know for a fact this would destory him. He thinks highly of you and has always wanted the best he could give to you. So, PLEASE, try to treat him with a little more respect and understanding keeping in the back of you mind how much he LOVES YOU and wants the best for you. I know you have been dealing with this along time and sorry you have to. I also know that dealing with this moving forward it even going to be harder with the fact of your father verses me. I do not want this to destory our family, because if there is one thing I believe in it is family and no matter how hard you or I would try, I believe this would never fly with your Dad. Please do not hold this against him, he is only trying to protect you and in his mind he was taught that this is not right according to the persons he looked up to as well as other avenues of teaching. Just be Happy, but try to keep me and your father in your life. LOVE YA.... MOM.

P.S. Keep an open mind to ladies, I would like to have grandchildren and a daughter in law one day if possible. HA! HA!

This is the email that I got from my mother today at work. What followed was me smoking about 500 cigarettes and crying. She says in the email that she just wants me to be happy but deep down I know inside she will never be able to accept me being "different." I think she will tolerate it but never fully be able to grasp it. She will infact never condone it. I'd sell my soul to not have to be this way because it is not easy. I wish that for one day everyone knew what it was like to have feelings for both men and women. I am making no apologies for who I am. I am who I am and that is the way that it will always be. If I have to burn in hell just to love then so be it.

We just got finished talking and she said that she really just wants me to be happy. She says she doesn't understand if she did something wrong when I was a child. She and my father did nothing wrong. You just know who you are attracted to and you live with it. While I will never be able to tell my father about my "secret" I'll have to live life as I always have...keeping parts of me hidden...and if that is the man at my side and he makes me happy I'll be just as happy having my secret lover.

So the whole point is that I will live my life no matter what the fuck anyone thinks. If you don't approve you don't have to be in my life. If you love me no matter who I am then let's party.