How soon we forget

I know I probably shouldn't even write about this but it wouldn't come up if I didn't feel it was important. Knowing that I keep very few friends in my life it should also be known that these friendships are a lot more "intimate" than regular friendships. A lot of time and emotions have been vested into building these friendships. However, now I'm seeing that they are starting to fall like the Roman Empire. They have held strong for so long but they are slowly deteriorating. Not because that it is really one persons fault. It is just time taking its toll I guess. My friendships that are coming into light more than ever seem to be headed in the right direction. I should have invested more time into these relationships than I did in the beginning. It is funny how people just start losing the communication they once had. The way the bonds they once shared start to disappear and you are not exactly sure that the other person sees this happening. But if it happens it happens and there is not much else I can do about it. Time makes people grow individually and it also makes people grow apart.

Maybe I'm selfish and want my friends just to be "my friends?" I'd like to think that I'm always there for them but I don't know if I can say all of my friends are there for me exactly. Whatever the case I finally admitted to myself that I am lonely as I have always been. Alone. But for some reason that doesn't bother me as much as most people say it should. There is reasoning behind this however.

Now that people/friends know that I am at least half way out of the closet that is all they seem to recognize me by. Everything has to be "gay." I'm no longer just a friend I have become the "gay boyfriend." I have become the reason they are faghags. I don't say anything because I don't want to hurt them but my sexuality doesn't define me as an individual. I've been told that I need to look my "gayest" because someone and I were going shopping. Do I regret ever saying anything...sometimes. It is because I'm no longer seen as "Paul" I'm seen as "the gay friend/boyfriend." But whatever I guess I should be thankful that I even have friends. Right?

I mean yeah I have always felt like the person on the outside looking in but sometimes in certain instances I feel like I'm part of the crowd. But something is said or done that makes that feeling go far far away. I'm starting to realize that me being alone right now is probably the best thing because I can "straighten" things out a bit and try to bring some understanding to my not so pleasant life right now.

More importantly my mother asked me the other night if I "could ever sleep with another guy?" I told her yeah that it could happen. I mean it already has so what makes me think any different. She however does not know about this and really doesn't need to know. She knows that I've fooled around with another guy before but in actuality I have done the deed with another guy before. Anyway aside from me talking about things of the past she tells me "well if it ever happens I don't want to know about it because I don't think I could handle that." Hello what did you think me saying "hey there mom I wanted to let you know that I'm attracted to men and women?" Did you think that I just wanted to be friends with these people forever? Doesn't this just change everything. If she believes that I am just friends with a guy than it is okay but Lord forbid that I sleep with him. This is a time when I wished I just would have kept my mouth shut but, I would have probably stayed in my depressive/suicidal mood. Which leads me to a confession that no one is aloud to repeat.

I had written about having a dream (which this actually occurred) but that I scratched my wrists and made them bleed was a lie. I said that I woke up with the scratches. Actually i cut myself about 20 times. Something about seeing the blood flow out in the shower made me feel like I wasn't so far out of the loop of being "human." The cuts have since healed and I have since realized how stupid I was to do this to myself. I now have the mental picture of the blood flowing from my wrist and that alone is a reminder than while I may be the outsider I still am part of the human race no matter how far they try to push me away.

Yeah think happy thoughts. Here is a link about Pet Mills. It took me awhile to get the courage to read it but I finally did. Pet Mill Webpage to be passed along.