Lost is my middle name

I at this very moment am so full of sadness. Not the type of sadness where you just cry and sleep but the kind of sadness where you cannot sleep and your mind weighs so heavily on you that you feel nothing will make you happy again. Not even next falls Prada. (Sorry there is a little humor in me). I've lost him. He said he needs time to deal with what I did. You know the email situation. This guy does not know how much he has done for me. How much I love him. How he was the first person to make me accept me for being gay and not being ashamed of it anymore. I think about that night and how I could have not sent that email. How all I had to do was let things be. But how much I wanted to pay him back for all the good he had done for me. The gifts I sent just weren't enough. I wanted him to be happy and I thought I could help. It turns out my act of love seems to have ended a friendship.

I just want to scream and cry for him. I want to know that when he says he needs time that it is soon going to be over. That he will be my friend again. That ever since we met on line on December 29, 2003 will not just vanish. I want to know that there are future memories and conversations with him. I want him to know how much my heart is breaking. How I am constantly thinking of him. How I can't look at his picture. How beautiful he really is. I want to stop crying everytime I get on the computer and he is not there. Stop crying everytime I know not to email him because he needs time. I want him to be back in my life.

I want my Ralphy back. I want the tears to stop just for a second to hear him calling on the phone or when I open his email. I want him to know I love him and even if things never change I always will.