Weighing In

Today I feel like the steam building up inside of a pressure cooker. Or the chicken...doesn't matter. Can there possibly be more pressure put on one person to make them want to become a drug addict again? Why yes, yes it can happen. My mother calls me today and we have the following conversation.

Mom: Don't be mad at what I have to say.
Paul: Okay. (in my head I'm thinking please just load the gun now.)
Mom: Dad called me and said that he watched the movie Gia.
Paul: Yeah. What's the big deal?
Mom: Well he said that it was a crazy movie. That there were people kissing in it. Like from your norm kissing.
Paul: I know. What is the big deal? Why did he watch it anyway?
Mom: I don't know but he told me that the more he finds out about you the more he questions you. He questions if he really knows who you are? So I think it best if you don't say anything about going to Deer Park, Michael, W & G, or any other topic that is gay related because I really think he is starting to suspect something. And I don't know if he can handle it. I don't want this to pull our family apart.
Paul: Okay. I'm not mad and I understand. It's cool.
Mom: Are you sure?
Paul: Yes. It's cool. I'll see you when I get home.

So let's see...should I feel like there is more pressure on me? Maybe. Maybe I am reading into this more than I should. Maybe I'll start reading history, or watch only the Spike network. Maybe I will revamp my whole entire fucking life to please someone. Maybe I will start playing sports and blech and drink a six pack of beer everynight. Maybe I should just move away...get the fuck out of dodge. To hear this bullshit is unnerving. To have someone suspect something by the television or movies I watch. I am interested in many things. Gay, straight, bisexuality, animals, cars, decorating, shopping, fashion, music, art, cooking. Why is it that only the "gay" aspect of what I like is seen when there is 9 million other things that make me...me?

Anyway, today I came in and popped in W & G and my father brought me the phone. He saw what was on the television, handed me the phone, and rolled his eyes, and proceeded to walk away. I have this fear that he is going to ask again soon. This time if he asks he will have to deal with the consequences of it. If I have to move so be it. If I lose him in my life, if I lose my mother in my life so be it. If this breaks the family apart so be it. I am tired of caring about what other people think when it comes to me. Get the fuck over me. I'm not that important. Focus on yourself for once and analyze youself. No worries. If he asks and I say yes I hope I get to make another entry. That is honestly what scares me the most. Take from it what you will.