Where to begin...

I am thinking that this will be my last journal entry. Not because I don't like sharing bits and pieces of my life. I have just realized that I don't want to remember everything. I honestly don't want to remember anything. I just don't want for anything anymore. It has been fun for almost two years coming home every night and writing down little oddities and happenings that have occurred but, after today I don't want to remember them.

Cheri decided that she wasn't ready to get married. I offered her as much time as she needed. She said she needed more time by the way. And I was told that she just wants to go back to being friends, "the way things were before." I don't think she realizes how much I loved her, how my heart broke at work today when she told me. How the wall that I let come down from around my heart has been rebuilt yet again in the matter of minutes. How can she expect me to be her friend again? I think the whole time she was feeding me bullshit. Bullshit. She told me once that whatever she told me was something that she meant. She would have no reason to lie to me. Well I can't say that I believe any of it. She told me that she wouldn't of taken the ring if she didn't mean it. She wouldn't have let me buy it if she didn't mean it. Well that was all a lie to me. She was so worried about after her surgery that she would change and I assured her that while her physical beauty may change for the better she would always be Cheri. Well I think I was wrong. Now that she is healed she is different. She is arrogant, self-centered, cocky. Things she never used to be. I'm not mad at her. I'm sad. And what makes me feel even sadder is knowing that none of this upsets her. None of it.

I am once again the fool led by music. My heart is once again hidden and this time I assure you no matter how many "you shouldn't do that's" I hear it will never and I swear never be let open for another person to trample on again.

Get used to being alone is what I have told myself today because I have years of it ahead. I am that person scorned and I'm not willing to let it go this time.