And I shall never forsake thee

April got me thinking tonight about those people around you being proud of you. Most of all, your parents. I was thinking on the way home that parents are never trully proud of the offspring. However, if they are it usually results in that child not being happy with themself. My parents have always told me that they are proud of me. But, the thing is is that when I made them the most proud I was being untrue to myself. I was trying to fit the cookie cutter mold of what a reputable child should be. Always be obiedient, spoke when spoken to, a place for everything and everything in its place. Things like that. It is frustrating.

Even when I was on drugs my parents would tell me that they were proud of me. I know that they weren't. What they were probably proud of is the fact that I was still productive and responsible even though I was addicted. Whatever the case I was very happy when I was on drugs. Would I go back to doing them. I can honestly say yes. The feeling that you get when you are high on pills is that which I miss. A great deal. I am happy that I am not addicted anymore but if I had the means and the way I would still be a pill junkie. I like the way it makes me feel about myself. I feel like I am actually alive when I am high.

But, that is not the conversation I'm supposed to be talking about. Does anyone ever truly believe that their parents are "proud" of them? Or is it that the children shall never live up to the expectations set forth from their parents?

To April: I say to be strong. Your parents will always treat you as the outcast even though it shouldn't be that way. But, you know that it will always be this way. You have done nothing to deserve the treatment that you get from them. I have bit my tongue for years now but, that time has passed. Your parents treat you like a fucking piece of dirt. The way they make you do things for them, answer to them, and bow down to them is bullshit. Now don't get me wrong I love your parents to death because they have done things for me that I appreciate but, I can still have an opinion on how they treat my bestest bestest homegirl in the world. I think that you honestly need to start standing up to them. Don't take their bullshit. The most they can do is kick you out and you know that you are more than welcome at my house. You and Adam just pack your shit and get here safely is all I ask. Just know that they have put you through way too much bullshit April that you don't deserve. Maybe they are jealous of the person you are. You are independent, strong, smart, and know how to fend for yourself. I don't think that they like that. They want you to depend on them and in return treat you as if you were Cinderella. In any case don't take their shit. You always have somewhere to come...not that living here is a fucking Mary sunshine picnic party.

Whatever, I don't want to think about it anymore because quite frankly, it despresses me. But, lately everything depresses me.

Night my children.