The Dark Half

Well things had been going great all day yesterday until last night. I had fixed dinner and went up April's house to play Scrabble/PlayStation II when I got a phone call at 9:09pm. Dad tells me that I need to come home as soon as possible because Baby Girl is dying. I am thinking what the fuck is he talking about? Dying? So I rush home to find that she had had a stroke. I take her to my room and just hold her and talk to her. I laid her on my chest and it was weird for some reason she would crawl up and lay on my collar bone and put her head up under my neck like she used to when she was a baby. Now when I say crawl I mean she would drag herself with her two front legs because she lost mobility in her back legs. Her eyes would not blink either.

I know she was suffering but, couldn't do anything for her but be there with her. I asked God to either heal her or take her. It wasn't fair to do this to a creature. No matter how big or small. Well nothing happened. Not as much as I prayed, begged, and cried. This is why my faith is faithless. For a long time now I have lost faith and last night seeing her suffer and become this paralyzed being I realized for the first time that I don't want to believe anymore. That is not important though but, don't talk to me about praying for help, praying for forgiveness, praying for anything because when it comes right down to it when I needed it before it never came and when I needed it last night He let her suffer.

Needless to say I was going to try to take her to an all night vet in Winchester, VA. I got her bundled up in my scarf, took her to the car, laid her in the seat so I could get adjusted and picked her back up to hold her. She died a minute later at 11:17pm. I went to the store and got her a beautiful gold and white box. I put raffia in it with her, a yellow rose (mom), a red rose (dad), and a white rose (me), a picture of me, and a miniature Buddha she had tried to chew once. Then I proceeded to bury her at the corner of the house. She has roses atop her grave.

I love her and miss her already and can barely stop crying long enough to type this. But, with the sweet always comes the bitter.