Thank God

So I want to start out by saying that Ms. Pat is cancer free. Thank God!! So that is over with. I'm so glad!

May 8, 2003

Woohoo! It's surgery time. I'm putting in for my leave of absence right now. I wish I could work but this is the farthest I've been in almost a week. To the basement on the computer. Ugh. But anyway I'll talk to you all later. I don' have much to say because I haven't been doing much except getting ready for this damn surgery.

Bad news always seems to be the case

So last night my dear friend Ms. Pat came into work. We were talking back and forth about me having Thrush mouth and blah blah blah. Well Ms. Pat tells me that she has something to tell me. She tells me that she has cancer. I'm like stop lying Ms. Pat that's not funny. Well she wasn't lying. I'm devistated. I'm sad. I'm full of anger that this has to happen to her. She is such a wonderful and joyful woman. I love her just as if she were my own grandmother or even mother. She brings so much positive energy to work when she is here with us. To hear this was like hearing that a family member just died. I cried for 45 mins at work last night. I had to leave the call center and just breathe. The news was almost too much for me to handle. To actually grasp that she is living with cancer and the outcome as of right now is not so sure is haunting my mind constantly. I've just experienced the loss of someone to cancer...Uncle Gene. I don't want her to go through what Uncle Gene had to experience. It was hard enough seeing Uncle Gene wither away but I am so close to Ms. Pat. It is like all I get to hear anymore is bad news. Bad news is always the case...at least these days. Between Constance getting attacked by the bottle throwers...Uncle Gene passing away, knowing that my grandfather doesn't have much longer because his health is depleating, and now Ms. Pat. It's like how does one deal with so much bad...when will the good actually shine through? Ms. Pat isn't scared though...I've talked to her several times lately since she told me. I'm scared for her though. I want to be there for her...if it comes down to it I don't want her to worry about having to be alone and I'm willing to live with her if her illness is irrepairable. I've already told her that my parents said we could take her dog Bailey if something should happen. Her world revolves around her pets. She said that she would have to have Sassy put down because she would greive to death. I want her to know that Bailey will be in good hands and a good home if something should happen to her. I pray to God that she will be able to fight this disease and be the victor. And for anyone who reads this page please...I beg of you please say a prayer with all that is in you that Ms. Pat will triumph over this. She is a beautiful, talented, caring, loving, ball of sunshine and I don't want to see her light diminish.

So God...if you happen to read or know what I am going through dealing with this news please I pray to you take care of Ms. Pat and see through that she overcomes this and stays with us and brings us the happiness that she always has.

I love you Ms. Pat and pray for you everyday!!

Much love to Ms. Pat and everyone that I never get a chance to say I love you to!

Paul

Carroll "Gene" Cogle

It's been several days since you've gone
But to a higher place your soul was drawn.

You will be missed in ways that you will never know
You've made me learn more about life and helped me grow.

Always ready to share with April and I a story
You found humor to be your glory.

I know you hurt but you were so strong
It almost had seemed like nothing was wrong.

Sitting there with you and April at the table was great
Just watching you smoke with every puff you'd take.

You knew it was bad of course we all do
But it brought you joy and brought us closer to you.

Please know that you will be truly missed my me
Late night chats over that damned t.v.

You told stories that showed how great you were
Whether it be fishing, smoking, or hunting animals for fur.

I wish that you could still be here with us
But you are in God hands now to he we must trust.

Vic, Amy, Chris, April and I will never forget you
Don't forget about Prince and Precious too.

I wish I could have had more time to spend with you Gene
You were so wonderful, happy, could never be mean.

I woke up this morning thinking of you being so strong
And in my head repeating a song.

I know that it was you who put me back on path
Thanks for talking to God for me so there wouldn't be a wrath.

So to you I say thank you and blow you a kiss
For you are deep in my heart and someone I will truly miss.

Dedicated to Uncle Gene....Although he wasn't a blood relative of mine I still wanted to let him know a couple of things. And for those of you who don't know who Uncle Gene as it was April's oldest uncle who her and I had been spending time with lately.

Although some of the things in this poem probably won't make much sense to you they do to me. I've been going through some rough couple of days. Last night I prayed to God that he would just take me away. I really didn't realize how selfish I was being. What it would do to my parents, friend, family and other loved ones. What was I thinking. This morning I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about Uncle Gene and how strong he was through his whole illness. Then out of the blue I start thinking of Aaliyah's song "Dust youself off and try again." Well to me it was Gene telling me to be strong and that all I have to do is dust myself off and start anew. No matter how bad I ache and hurt that I can always start over. I don't know maybe I'm crazy for thinking this but I'd like to think that Gene was the one telling me this because I saw what he went through for the most part and he was strong. So so strong through the whole cancer thing. I've decided to not let illness get the best of me. Instead of wishing for God to come wisk me away in the night to just have a better mindset. To be thankful that I'm even alive and that I have those people around me that care for me. So this is just a big THANK YOU to Uncle Gene for getting me back on the right path and letting me know that I can be just as strong as him and one day I will be better and free from pain...just like he is now!

I just want to say that even though I wasn't related to you Gene that I had much love for you. I can't help but sit here and cry. I can't imagine how hard this has been on April and her family. I'm sorry that I haven't been much help to you lately April. I hope that you are doing okay. I also wanted to put this in my journal to let you know that I know Gene is with us...I feel like it's almost that he knew what I was going through mentally and he has come to show me that I am a stronger person than my mind is letting me be.

So in my last words to you Uncle Gene are: I love and miss you but also thank you for a new day!!

Wait a minute

So I was proofreading my blog and guess what I have one more comment to make about the designer clothing. Well April and I have come up with some clothing lines for and exclusive group of people. FAT PEOPLE!!! They are everywhere...I'm actually a proud member myself. Here are the titles:

F.S.F.P. =Fuck Skinny Fat is Pretty(Clothing for men and women that are plus size...i.e. jeans, shorts, shirts)
F.F. =FuckaFatty(Lingerie for plus size women and boxers for plus size men)
FatForm =Shoe line made especially to support Fat Forms (i.e. Me and April and the rest of the billion of other fat bastards they need extra support for our tubbage)

Doesn't that sound lovely?

2 hours and 48 minutes

That is exactly how much sleep I have had so far today. I finally fell asleep at 4am and woke back up at 6:48am. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm like in and out of consciousness right now. I did eat a nutrigrain bar with strawberry yogurt gunk on the inside. It was good...hopefully it will give me some energy to make it through the day. I'm getting ready to watch I Spy with Eddie Murphy...I rented three movies that are due back today and I haven't watched one of them yet....except for like 45 minutes of Jackass The Movie. Ewww!! The part where that guy takes a shite in a plumbing store and they show his shite is disgusting. I don't want to look at my own shite much less someone elses. But alas, it's Hollywood. I think that most moviestars are on the same brain waves as Anna Nicole they just hide it better. Some of the stuff they do makes me wonder if they are even of this planet. I think they are primates dressed in designer clothing. At least a good bit of the Hollywood crowd. But why am I talking about this shit at 7:14 in the morning? I don't know...I've gotta go lay back down. The eyelid caper is trying to make me see black for a couple more hours.

Good Night...even though it should be Good Morning!!

Paul

Good Lord

It's only 9am and I am tired. But I have to head out to a doctor's appointment to set up my surgery. Ugh. But such is life. I'm planning for the surgery today and getting my referrals today to get the dreaded MRI and EMG (Electro Magnetic Graph) or something like that. All I know is they poke you with these needles like you are a turkey on Thanksgiving day but instead of seeing if you are baked and ready to eat they check your nerve waves. Blah! I don't wanna...it hurt like holy fuck last time. But I've gotta.

I'm going to try to work today to make up for some hours that I have been missing. Okay I'll admit it I haven't been to work but one day in like 12. But what can I do. Oc's didn't work so what else is there to turn to. STREET DRUGS!!! Just kidding. Weed would probably do better anyway. But it would only be used for medicinal purposes.

I'm actually missing work. I haven't seen anyone. I was looking forward to seeing Constance on Saturday but she hasn't been back yet. I asked Desi how she was and she said okay but I figured that she probably didn't want to be bothered. But after reading her journal today I wish that I would have called or something. But just to let you know Constance I did ask about you and kept you in my prayers. And I just wanted to let you know honey bun that Desi had said you called you brother or something...I think it is when you found out Sarah was in B'more. That's probably how people thought you called your brother I don't really know. But my God I wish that I knew you were being serious. I feel partly to blame for like not calling Angel's house. I thought to myself I don't think she'll walk home but she will probably go to Angels. I wish that I would have called your cellphone or something or just clocked out and took you home. I hope that you realize that I thought you would just want time alone. I didn't know what to do once again so I figured that I'd see you at work but I'm guessing that you need time to chill or something. I'll give you a call tonight and maybe if you want we can go to the movies or chill and watch a movie at your house tomorrow night. But please don't think that I wasn't thinking about you. I love ya girl and you know that!!

I'll write more later...the fucking stupid ass doctor's office switched to a new location and not even mapquest has the directions to get there. I feel and Adventures in Babysitting feat coming on....but the bad news is that it is with my parents!! I'll be babysitting them because they are already fighting on how to get there. Lord please grant me the patience to not swerve into on coming traffic. Later ya'll