Written in Red

This morning on my way to work I was going down the very steep hill that leads to the bridge between WV and VA. I was just drifting along. No foot on any given pedal. Wouldn't you know it...today is the day before the end of month quota for Mr/Mrs Policeman/woman. I'm the proud owner of a brand new white/black and red Traffic Violation. I was doing 61 in a 45. Oops. I honestly did not know. I thought the speed limit was 55 at the top of the hill the limit is 60. When the officer turned her lights on I was like oh shit something must be wrong with the car. I had no clue that I was getting a speeding ticket. The fine is $118. I don't know about the points yet. But I am going to fight it in court because I've been driving since I was 15 and this is the first time I've ever gotten a ticket. You would have thought that she would have said "Look for being such a good driver (which I know is so not true) I will give you a warning but slow the fuck down...Okay." No she had to give me the damn thing. I think I would have gotten out of it if I hadn't pulled over in an inappropriate spot. When you get over the bridges there is a road that leads up the side of the mountain that the people that live on the mountain use to get off the mountain to head to MD. Well I pulled over there and made a big traffic back up. I knew it wasn't appropriate but she kept on flashing her light and beeping her fucking atomic bullhorn thing. So I didn't know what to do...I have never been pulled over before. She tells me this is a really bad place for you to have pulled over. I replied:

"Well you kept on flashing your lights and beeping that horn so I didn't know what to do. If I would have kept on going up the road to the gas station you would have probably thought I was going to run from you. So yeah I know it's not the best spot but I'm new at this."

She proceeded to ask for the license and registration. Bitch!

I spent the day worrying about it but I'm okay with it because while I really didn't realize I was speeding if the radar said so then it must be true. So I'll pay the fine but I'm going to court to make sure I don't get any points.

Aside from that after I got over the drama of the morning I did absolutely nothing at work. I had the motivation of a paperclip or piece of tape. I just hung around. I tried my damndest to be productive but I figured "Hey everyone has days where they just don't want to work." So I did exactly that...didn't work. I danced, tried to do the moonwalk, sang, tried my talent at beat boxing with Cheryl (it was pretty much me spitting), and doodled on pieces of paper until it was time for me to run the daily reports. Oh yeah and I talked to my mother, my father, April, my Aunt Ganda, and my friend Cheri. Work should be this productive personally everyday. I mean I did do my part yesterday and save the company $3000 for a hospital putting in fraudulent claims. I just need to get a phone number to enter the information and there you go...money in their pockets.

Calling people has proven to be more enjoyable than I thought it would be. Not that I like talking to these people but the messages that some of these people leave on their answering machines. Here are two examples I have written down to share with you. Remember these are actual messages. Would you leave a message to any of these?

"No one can tell you so you was. No one can tell me who I am. No one can tell me I was failure for I am so I say I was and am and only God and tell me who I am. No one but you and God can determine who you was and who I was. So remember that and know who you baby's daddy is. Thanks for calling and if I want I will call you back." Hello fucking speaking properly much?

"Who da fuck do you thing you are ni**a? Who you was with...who was it that you was fucking. You ain't nevah been no baby's daddy to our baby. Listen mothafucka if you call here one more time ni**a I'll fucking kill dis baby daddy drama." Is someone bitter here? Sorry for the use of the n word but that is what she said so can't help that much.

Tomorrow night Cheri, Michael and I are supposed to go to D.C. I get to meet Michael finally. Wish me luck that I get some compensation in the "lucky" department. At least a fucking kiss...shit.

If tomorrow never came

When you are at work do you ever think to youself (and I know you do) "God I wish this day would end?" What a stupid thought. Think about it. When the day ends it just starts a new day at work unless it's Friday. Sometimes I wish tomorrow would never come. Not that I'm talking about death but think of the day or a day when you were extremely happy...so elated that you could burst. Imagine if that day just lagged on for a little longer. Imagine if you could stretch time out just for a little longer. Would you even do it? I would. On those days when I feel like "life cannot get any better than this." Take for instance when Desi and I were in Hawaii on Waikiki Beach for the first time. The morning sunrise leading to the evening sunset. I was far away from home and yet being there was like home. I would love to have been able to stretch that day even if just for a few more hours. But I've got to realize that it just can't be done. I don't even think when I was Wiccan that I ran across a spell for time stretching.

I would love to know why I think of ideas like this? I wonder sometimes if people actually think as I do. If their minds race at night with thoughts and ideas that even scare them. I think I should have majored in Philosophy or Writing. I mean yeah writing in my journal I could care less about punctuation, spelling, grammar and all that mess but my Professor for English 101 told me that I would be an excellent fictional writer. I've always been told that by teachers/professors. Is it because I crave that which can never be had...the life of an imaginary character? Or my sense of living through other people's thoughts and actions? I don't know. Even though my mind scares me sometimes I still enjoy my voyages to other plains. God this is going to sound like I mind travel to other planets and shit but what I'm talking about is the higher level you reach when you aren't just thinking because you have to. The place your mind forces you to go when it makes you think. Maybe I should really consider that brain scan afterall?

So...umm...let us see. I had to give Prissy away tonight. It was a better thing for her to go with my friend Amanda where she could be around other dogs that wouldn't try to kill her. My dog Lucky would have no part of her. She tried to attack her every chance she got. It wasn't fair to keep her in separate rooms when all she wanted to do was play with a dog that just wouldn't let her. Aside from that the stress of raising her was too much. My parents were getting agitated and I could tell. It was wearing them out especially my mother. Aside from that I thought today about how I just can't see myself giving anything to this animal. My schedule doesn't allow me much time. I was so worn out from it all and it had only been a week. But I've realized that while I will miss coming home to her greeting me at the door that she is so better off with Amanda and Billy and Raina and Raimee (I hope I spelled his name right). But then on the way home from Amanda's I got to thinking which I always do.

If I can't give my love and attention fully to an animal what makes me think that I could in a relationship? Am I as greedy and self-absorbed as a lot of people tell me I am in their joking manner? Or am I just to independent and used to routine to settle down? I can go and come when I please and wether it be a dog or relationship can I actually tolerate having to be committed to something? Who the fuck knows. Maybe later down the road I'll figure this out. It just scares me that I can't even commit myself to raising a dog. Damn it...so I've fucked things up again as I always seem to do. Fuck.

And then there was

A thing I remembered called sleep. A thing called grass. A sun. A not so fucking snow/ice covered day.

Today the weather is depressing to look at. All the white I feel like I'm in a bad version of J.LO's dressing room...shit.

Talked to Ralphy last night for eh...8 and 1/2 hours. So yes I'm tired. Yes I should have gotten off the computer earlier. And yes I'm ready for bed.

But...

Seeing that I have a 7 week old puppy to tend to I don't see a black haze over my eyes for quite sometime.

Hope everyone that has all this snow is keeping warm and toasty!!

30 Minutes

Mama, Papa
Forgive me

Out of sight
Out of mind
Out of time
To decide

Do we run?
Should I hide?
For the rest
Of my life

Can we fly?
Do I stay?
We could lose
We could fail

In the moment
It takes
To make plans
Or mistakes

30 minutes, a blink of an eye
30 minutes,to alter our lives
30 minutes,to make up my mind
30 minutes,to finally decide

30 minutes,to whisper your name
30 minutes,to shoulder the blame
30 minutes,of bliss, thirty lies
30 minutes,to finally decide

Carousels
In the sky
That we shape
With our eyes

Under shade
Silhouettes
Casting shade
Crying rain

Can we fly?
Do I stay?
We could lose
We could fail

Either way
Options change
Chances fail
Trains derail

30 minutes, a blink of an eye
30 minutes,to alter our lives
30 minutes,to make up my mind
30 minutes,to finally decide

30 minutes,to whisper your name
30 minutes,to shoulder the blame
30 minutes,of bliss, thirty lies
30 minutes,to finally decide

To decide
To decide, to decide, to decide

To decide
To decide, to decide, to decide

To decide

When I look at the world I see so much beauty and wonder where do I fit into all of this? Am I the square to the circle? Am I the piece of the puzzle that just doesn't fit? I want so much just to be happy. Have you ever thought of being happy so much that it drives you to the point of sadness? The type of sadness that you know may never leave? I'm just so fucking frustrated. There just isn't enough for me to classify myself as happy yet. Or am I happy and I just don't know it? And what exactly classifies one as being happy? You can cry and be happy, laugh and be sad or just be and that is all. I sound like a fucking depressed psycho but my mind just races with thoughts and questions. So many questions that will have to wait to be answered. So many questions that don't have answers. If you peeled away all that was me I think there would just be a void. It's my missing piece to the puzzle...it's my eternal longing to have and be had by someone. I appreciate everyone's advice so very much but I just need someone, a twin to talk to that understands my thoughts and how erratic they are. I find myself looking for answers within myself and sometimes I find them. I want to go back. Relive everything so that I understand myself more. If I would have just been myself these 23 years I think I would be a hell of a lot more mentally stable. But that can't be done and I'll have to grow. Come what may...hopefully it brings understanding.

Rule of thumb

Never think anything is easy to do. Especially raising a 7wk old puppy. While she has lots of energy and love she is a handful. I've been so consumed with her that I haven't done much of anything else. I haven't talked online to anyone (Ralphy) or even called anyone to see what's up. So a big I'm sorry to those of you who I've been neglecting. Last night I made the mistake of letting Prissy go to sleep by 9pm and we were up by 5am. Plus the fact that we slept all day because my sinus' are still a mess and I'm just not feeling too well. Other than that I do enjoy having Prissy with me. I need to learn how to let her stay alone for a while like in another room so she doesn't get too attached to me. It breaks my heart to hear her yelp or cry but she stops in a matter of like 10 mins. Mom said I have to do this so when I'm at work she isn't going crazy looking for me. So I'm hoping that Ralphy will be online tonight and Prissy will let me talk to him for a while.

If not there's always tomorrow.

A combination platter please....

I'm tired today. Prissy has worn me out. She has the energy of 50 horny men at an orgy. She just wants to keep coming and going and coming and going!! LOL. But I love her. She is great. It's snowing now so plans for this weekend are ruined. Doesn't look like I'll be meeting Michael anytime soon. Damn it. I really want to meet someone. Not just someone to hookup with but just someone that at least by the end of the night there is a kiss and the holding of hands shared. Does anyone have any friends that would be interested that aren't psycho killers? I'd love to meet Rafael because this whole talking thing is getting harder and harder for me to resist not to ride down to Alabama and break the taking it slow rule. If I knew that Patrick could be interested in my I'd drive to Cleveland to meet him. He seems like a truly fascinating person and the fact that he has a great sense of humor makes him that more attractive. So Patrick if you read this and you still want to get married I'm still ready for ya...LOL. No seriously I really want to meet someone that is a combination of Patrick and Rafael. I love reading Patrick's journal for the humor and of course I just like talking to Rafael.

I don't know how much longer I can be self tolerant to not find some random slut to sleep with (note: I have only been with one person so I'm no hoe). I've been wanting affection for some time now and I'm really wanting it bad tonight. I mean just a talk leading to a kiss and hold hands and cuddling. If it should go further than that's cool. God what am I going to do with myself? Ugh...frustration sucks dick!!!!!!!!!!

Advice...

So my mother and I are looking into the advice given by Bill and Patrick about PFLAG. I read most of the site yesterday. The closest chapter is in Baltimore. And though it may seem like I'm condemning myself for my lifestyle I'm not. The burning in the hell part is just saying if that's what people think will happen to me then I'll do it to live the way I want. I'm very proud of who I am. I denied myself the luxury of me for so long I forgot what it was like to be me so I'm living everyday to its fullest and without regret.

It amazes me so much that people that I have never met take the time to read my blog and offer their advice. I am truly blessed and greatful for the people that have entered into my life. Without them I think that this ordeal would be so much that more harder to deal with. I can't express enough to Patrick, Bill, Tricia, Samantha, Barb, Joyce, Aunt Ganda, and everyone else that has been there to support me how much I appreciate the love and support they are showing me. I know that many people who know me knew before I admitted it that I was the person I truly am and I thank them for never presurring me to "come out." I've come to realize that the people around me both in real life and online are my support and that if I just open up myself to the possibilities of listening and sharing myself with them that my life will become easier each day. While I'm sure that there will be more obstacles in the future I know that if I keep my online and "in person" friends that I will be able to be victorious over these events when they come. So from the bottom of my heart to all of you and you all know who you are I am truly honored that you take the time to support me and continually show your love even if we have never met. To all of you I wish the best in life because you deserve it for being so wonderful to a person that many of you have never met...if I had the money I'd take care of each of you for the rest of your life. Pray that I hit the lottery...and it will be done.

Here is another pic of Prissy...it's her debut mugshot:

My new snuggle buddy Prissy







So what do we think of her? Should her name be Prissy or Matilda? I'm undecided...drop a comment for name suggestions.

The Email

Paul, I just want to say I LOVE YOU no matter what. However, please try to keep in mind your fathers feelings regarding all this. I know that you and your father have never seen eye to eye and most likely will never. I hope that you have respect enough to try to handle things with him different then you do me. Your father LOVES you to no end, but I really think he could never handle any of this. I beleive in the back of his mind he may think something, but will never admit it nor could never accept it and to no fault of his own. Your Dad along the way somehow lost his open mind and why I do
not know and I know for a fact this would destory him. He thinks highly of you and has always wanted the best he could give to you. So, PLEASE, try to treat him with a little more respect and understanding keeping in the back of you mind how much he LOVES YOU and wants the best for you. I know you have been dealing with this along time and sorry you have to. I also know that dealing with this moving forward it even going to be harder with the fact of your father verses me. I do not want this to destory our family, because if there is one thing I believe in it is family and no matter how hard you or I would try, I believe this would never fly with your Dad. Please do not hold this against him, he is only trying to protect you and in his mind he was taught that this is not right according to the persons he looked up to as well as other avenues of teaching. Just be Happy, but try to keep me and your father in your life. LOVE YA.... MOM.

P.S. Keep an open mind to ladies, I would like to have grandchildren and a daughter in law one day if possible. HA! HA!

This is the email that I got from my mother today at work. What followed was me smoking about 500 cigarettes and crying. She says in the email that she just wants me to be happy but deep down I know inside she will never be able to accept me being "different." I think she will tolerate it but never fully be able to grasp it. She will infact never condone it. I'd sell my soul to not have to be this way because it is not easy. I wish that for one day everyone knew what it was like to have feelings for both men and women. I am making no apologies for who I am. I am who I am and that is the way that it will always be. If I have to burn in hell just to love then so be it.

We just got finished talking and she said that she really just wants me to be happy. She says she doesn't understand if she did something wrong when I was a child. She and my father did nothing wrong. You just know who you are attracted to and you live with it. While I will never be able to tell my father about my "secret" I'll have to live life as I always have...keeping parts of me hidden...and if that is the man at my side and he makes me happy I'll be just as happy having my secret lover.

So the whole point is that I will live my life no matter what the fuck anyone thinks. If you don't approve you don't have to be in my life. If you love me no matter who I am then let's party.

April's discovery....my new pick...

Check out this group: Coheed and Cambria

If you want to hear one of their songs click here: The Crowing

So what do ya think?? They rock!!

I have the luck of...

A shattered mirror that crossed black cats path while under a ladder. So last night I was supposed to go to D.C. with Cheri and hopefully meet Michael. What happens? Ice/Snow/Sleet. It's not like it was a huge storm or anything but it did enough damage to make going anywhere a risk. I did manage to go to April's and sit at the bonfire. April, Adam and April's toasted Mom was there. I love April's Mom. She makes me laugh my ass off. So last night was a bust. Hopefully things will work out to go out next weekend. But I did talk to Rafael yesterday for about 4.5 hrs in the afternoon and about another 2 hours last night. I'm starting to feel that I'm not the only putting time into this. I'm not getting my hopes up too much talking to him. I mean yeah we have exchanged phone numbers but we are just not ready to take the next step. Plus when you are talking on line it takes more effort to keep the conversation going because there is no voice to hear or body to see. Yeah I'm "falling" for him but I still know that I shouldn't give my heart away so fast so I'm good with taking it slow. And I found out last night that Birmingham, AL is only 9-10 hours away from here so he's not that far away. Anyway...I need to stop running my mouth...the butterflies are overwhelming...

Everyone have a good day!!

Awkward

Last night I went out with Cheri and a group of her friends to Manassas to a place called "Sharp Shooters." Why the title of awkward? Well Cheri has a friend named Michael. Cheri is trying to play faghag matchmaker. We are at Cheri's room last night and Michael calls to see what she is doing. She tells him that we are going to go out and asks if he wants to come but he is sick so he can't. So I'm sitting there like "Please Cheri don't say hey Michael...Paul is here I want you two to talk to each other." What does she do two seconds later? My nightmare came true. Now you must understand that I am very shy when it comes to talking to people I don't know especially over the phone...unless I'm at work because shit that's just a job. So anyway, we are both on the phone and I'm nervous as hell as too is he. The first five minutes were like "I don't know what the hell to say. We are going to kill Cheri." After the initial ice broke we wound up talking for another hour and 10 minutes before we had to leave. I had asked Cheri what he said to her after we got off the phone with each other and he had said "Cheri why the hell did you do that to us? Now I'm feeling all awkward." When Cheri told me this I was like shit blew this one. But then she says and then he said "Your friend Paul sounds really nice. I'd like to meet him." It's about time that my mouth aside from getting me in trouble is taking me places. So tonight if Michael is feeling better (sinus infection...I'm sympathize greatly) we are all going out to a strip club called "Wet" in D.C. If he however, is not feeling better and the weather is supposed to be bad we are driving to Kaiser to see him. I told him that I would make him some fresh chicken noodle soup if Cheri and I came up. So I'm hoping for going to D.C. with Cheri, Michael and Tiffany. But either way I'd like to meet him. Wish me luck!!

Happy

Today I woke up with a smile and butterflies. It could have been the lack of sleep considering I was chatting with Ralphy until 3am. I may have just imagined the whole thing. But I'd like to think that I didn't. My current status is "Fallen." My current music pick "Fallen" by Sarah Maclachlan.

I'll write more later I've got to get ready to meet April. Shopping day.

Suck me dry...

I thinking that Lipo isn't all that bad an idea. Exercising sucks ass. Well if you do all those stupid exercises like Richard Simmons. But if you decide that your exercise is dancing alone for 45-60 mins then it isn't that bad. Preceeded by stretching and the followed by 150 sits ups and weight lifting. Now this part isn't too wonderful but I don't mind it.

So tonight I did my 150 situps and probably looked like a complete idiot dancing by myself for an hour but hey no one was around. The fact that I can "shake ass" has its pluses. I should totally be on Soul Train. I would show those people a few things or two. I am pretty wore out from all this I must say. But it will be repeated tomorrow...the weekends are mine though to relax. I figure that M-F can be the work out everynight plan.

I smell like a pig covered in it's own shit so I'm going to get off of here for right now until later when Ralphy is on. So have a good night ya'll.

Cheers

Through the looking glass

When I look in the mirror all I see is a reflection of a person confused, angry and lifeless. I am that which I have feared. Lost. I am who I am but I feel that there is more in the world for me. There is so much more for me to experience, touch, see, taste and love but sometimes I wonder if I will ever get the opportunity to make such dreams come true.

I am alone. I am lonely.

I want for there to be more in my life. Sometimes I crave the life of others just to know what it is like to live. Yes I live but do I really "live?" I feel like my life is at a standstill. It has gone stagnent. I want to make this now tattered cloth into a kite that flies freely. I want to breathe new life into myself. I want change.

More importantly I want love. I want the type of love that lasts for all eternity. I want a love that fills my body so that only it is what I need to live, to breathe. I want a love that cries rivers of sadness but at the same time brings the one joy from the hundred griefs it has caused. I want love to redeem me. I want that which has betrayed me before.

I just want peace.

Who named it? and Why?

Someone tried to send me a Trojan Horse virus. I know the whole story about Helen of Troy and the Trojan Horse and how it can apply to this virus but I'd like to think that the virus is more fantastical than that. If possible. So my opinion...which surely doesn't mean shit is that:

A. Ron Jeremy named it.
B. Reason being: Because the virus just slips in and slips out.

Aside from my new theory on the Trojan virus I look like a total "nerd" today. Let's see...no contacts...glasses. Jeans, a Banna Republic Shirt, CK fleece, and sandals. It's only 31 degrees out. I didn't do my hair. I think this comes from the total lack of inspiration I felt this morning for trying to even put and outfit together. Plus the fact that I didn't sleep well last night. I'm thinking that I need to hire a team to take care of me in the morning. I want to feel like J-Lo except that I wouldn't have fake hair put in everyday. Maybe every other day...

Well I'm off to watch "Uptown Girls." I hope it is okay because Brittney Murphy has some issues and I'm thinking I may have to tell her about herself.

Patrick

If I could give you a hug and a kiss right now I would. I wouldn't slip you the tongue that would be taking it too far. Thank you for the comments.

Pattykins

I knew you knew but with the alphabet group some things are better left unsaid. I'll stop by and see you soon.

Samantha

You provide such excellent advice all the time and I am truly greatful for that. I love the doll site.

The barrier I once held is slowly fading

Loving someone is never easy. Especially when you are the person that is devoted to that person but their feelings aren't intense as your own. Summer who many of you know from my past was that one girl that I was insanely "in love" with. This was not puppy love or lust it was the kind of love where you would bleed yourself dry for the person. Needless to say it never worked out and from that point on I told myself that I would never allow myself to love like that again. I put a barrier around my heart/emotions. I've let it stay there for years now. I have never looked for anyone because I was afraid of what could happen again and the thought of it and the pain I went through with Summer made the wall that enclosed my heart grow stronger and stronger everyday. However, I am now starting to let myself love or at least acknowledge the notion of love again. I am so just "head over heels" right now I don't know what to do with myself. I find myself constantly thinking about Rafael. Yeah yeah yeah...he is a guy but I have separated myself from loving for so long I don't care if the person were half man and half woman that I'm not worried about being with or living an alternate lifestyle. I saw this happen with Constance and she is happier than she has ever been. So from the above paragraph you can tell that there must be something special about Rafael and there is. He and I talk for hours on AIM and time just stands still when I'm talking to him. I cannot get enough. I even try to chat with him at work if he is online on my phone. Yes there is the notion of the physical attraction but more over the conversation out weighs all of the physicality of the situation. I'm just hoping that he will feel the same way in the long run. I know I'm not the most attractive person and that he isn't 100% attracted to me but I'm hoping that the inner person is what will make him feel as I do. Actually I'm not sure how he really feels...he has told me that he does enjoy very much talking with me and that we will sometime from now start talking over the phone. Neither of us is ready for talking over the phone yet. Also he told me that if things work out as they are now he wouldn't mind me coming to see him at UAB (University of Alabama) in four months or so. I'm so proud of myself for finally starting to be the person I've always known I've been since I was 10. I am letting it be known that yes I am attracted to men and women and that's just me. I have no control over how God made me and I think deep down inside God just wants us to be happy and at the present time Rafael is filling that void I had in my life. Pray for me that things will work out and I'll finally have someone to call my own.

Love ya'll...is it that obvious that I'm falling?

For the love of meat...not that kind...the animal kind...dirty bastards

What is it with people not thinking that chicken and pork is not in the category of "meat." The other white? And why do so many individuals thinks that eggs are not animals? Hello can we say chicken abortion! That's what I thought. I'm doing quite well with the "giving up on the meat" thing. I'm back to my old ways when I was a veggie-tarian. I don't even crave it. The whole "giving up the soda" thing has only caught me yearning/lusting for a Pepsi yesterday. But I was victorious and resisted. Blah...blah...blah...I'm going to be so fucking hot my summer I'll need a air conditioner shoved up my ass to keep the sizzle down. So far 27 lbs. lost. Whooo hooo...go me!

At work today I busted ass to get shit done. It has been a long time since I've actually "worked" or "been productive" at work. I mean what is the whole point of going to work if you are going to "work?" There is none. I prefer to talk, file/buff my nails, listen to music and pray that tomorrow I am still employeed. I should be my own business owner...it would be great and fresh.

It is cold outside around the teens or something. I think I may have become allergic to the therometer. When it gets lower than 60 I start to cough and wish I were dead. I cannot wait until spring. I'm planning on inventing the world's first "heater" to further global warming so that at least stepping outside can be for a moment enjoyable not torture.

Night ya'll

I'm lazy so if you visit Cyn's Page you will see the same entry

Moronic Tales
I consider my family to be well educated...on my mother's side. Now my aunts, uncles and so on may not have college degrees however, they all offer something to the conversation or a specific topic...again on my mother's side. Now my father's side of the family...hmmm? I can't say for certain but if a catscan was done the doctor's would probably discover missing brain or the whole damn thing missing...maybe not even a brainstem. Why am I talking about the family in such a tone? Here are two questions my 56 Aunt asked...one tonight...one when her mother passed away:

1. "Paul, where exactly is your hip located? Is it attacted to the leg?"

2. Situation: The nurse had told my Aunt that her mother had went to rest (i.e. she was in the hospital for 3 months with bone cancer...rest=death). My Aunt proceeds to ask the nurse, "So when did she fall asleep?"

My mission in life is now to educate my father's side of the family in hopes that they can be released into the world without too many fuck-ups. Is it wrong of me to question the knowledge of this side of the family after hearing this shit? I think not.

P.S. Hoping Cyn is feeling well and that lots of vicodin are headed her way.

NBK

Natural Born Killers. Last night at Amanda's house. Until 4:23am. Never had seen this movie before. It was quite different and interesting. I will watch it again, but I'd prefer to be on acid at the time of viewing.

When I finally made it home around 5 this morning I couldn't sleep so I managed to watch the first 45 mins of Underworld. God love the DVD. God love Kate Beckensale and Scott Speedman. God love threesomes. Anyway, I finally managed to fall asleep. Now I'm awake and it is only 11:19am. I'm still a little tired but I'm guessing it will pass.

So if something interesting happens today or when I get online tonight to talk to Ralphy I'll post more. Until then I'm going to finish Underworld and relax.

Lookie here...it's my litte thugtress BabyG





Here are the mexican barbies April brought me back from Mexico

Loopy as Lil Kim



Mari and Loopy working out to "Let's get physical"



Here is the tat:

Sorry for the lack

Of pictures. I have them I just didn't go out today to send them to myself from my phone. Don't have service back here in the boondocks. They will be posted tomorrow however.

Until then...

Have a fucking wonderful night...I have a feeling someone's webcam is going to come in helpful tonight...bad bad person making me look at you!

For fuck's sake

I took off today in hopes that I would sleep in and just relax for the day. Well it didn't happen as you can tell. I have been up since 6am. No more sleepy sleepy. I'm really not tired however, my headache has traveled long distances to stay with me from last night. Nothing has taken it away yet. It's quite annoying. If I had some herb I'd probably smoke it. That usually takes care of a headache anyway. Where is a drug dealer when you need him/her?

The whole "giving up meat" thing is going well. I really haven't even had a craving for it. Mom brought home chicken tenders last night that I absolutely love with tabasco sauce and it didn't even phase me. I think everyone should try giving up meat once in their life. It really isn't that hard. Now me giving up soda at the same time is probably what is causing the headache. Caffeinee headaches are the worst. My headache last night left me having to get offline with Rafael. But when you have already chatted for 2 1/2 hours it's pretty safe to say you didn't blow them off. I have no clue how I have managed to talk so long to one person. I mean it is ridiculous 4 hrs here, 3 hrs there. Thank god I don't get charged for each message sent. But I do enjoy conversing with him.

I'll have a picture of the new tattoo later today. I must say it is my favorite out of all of them. Yes it even shines above the "In Memory of Aaliyah" I have. That one is more personal. In case you have forgotten here is the list of tats:

1. Left ankle=Chinese symbol for spirit with a ring of water around it
2. Left calf=William Blake quote (newest)
3. Left foot=the OM symbol
4. Right Ankle=2 Celtic symbols for eternity with scroll work making a band
5. Neck=Chinese symbol for Heaven
6. Left upper arm=Chinese symbol for wind with "In Memory of Aaliyah" around it with a tear drop
7. Right upper arm=Sun/moon with the moon sticking its tongue out
8. Wrist=Symbol for Gemini

I just can't wait to get another one. I plan on having my whole left calf covered by the time it's done and over with. That's when I'll stop getting them. Any suggestions for the next tattoo?

It shall follow

Well got the next tat. Picture will follow tomorrow.

Tired now. Have a headache. Going to lie down after I finish talking to Rafael.

Night...bitches

You make me want to...

Fucking scream at the top of my lungs. Who could this person be? Hmmm. My supervisor J. Jesus Christ man give spying on people a break. Everytime you are doing something crazy (i.e. the cabbage-patch, the running man, the roger rabbit, droppin it to the floor) there his ass is. But if you need to see him to have him do something for you he is MIA. And aside from him being grotesquely Peppy Lepewish (black hair, grey line running down the middle...serious here) he has the humor of a bundt cake. Although a bundt cake tastes good. I really need to form my plan for world domination now...or it will never do anything to help humanity of people so colorless as him. Ugh.

I have officially become a veggie-tarian again. No animal in this body. I have done very well today. I had my Snapple tea this morning and water the rest of the day. A rice cripsy treat, a garden salad, and some brocolli and cheddar soup. Yay me. See I'm planning on get my "rock hard body" on by this spring. So I'm finally fed up with being Mr. McPlumpy. Last time I was a vegetarian I lost 25 lbs in a month. Hopefully history has learned to repeat itself in this instance.

Once again the fingernails are long again. Have I cut them....NO! But I did file and buff them today at work. I'm the cliche of the "California Receptionist." Thinking about getting a new tattoo Friday. I took the day off so I'm calling to make an appointment tomorrow. I'm thinking I may have the eye of Horus put on the right foot. Haven't decided yet. Picture will come if the tattoo occurs.

Well I'm off to relax for awhile. Tomorrow I'm buying Underworld because I can and because that movie makes vampires sexier than...


You in a hot nighty covered in chocolate...and yes I mean all of you!

Three more days

And I won't be sitting at my desk looking at the computer like this:



Yes that is me contemplating if work or suicide is the answer. Question: Am I really that unattractive?

My adopted family

I am learning to like myself more these days. I'm not hiding myself so much anymore. Well I'm hiding some things from certain people that don't need to know certain things but they are not bad things. Well yeah it would probably crush the father but hey. My online family has helped me deal with things so well. And even my Aunt's for being so accepting of my alternate lifestyle gives me hope that I can just be me without any consequences. So what if I dig guys and girls. It's no one elses business but my own and really only effects me in the long run. Chatting with R. I'll end the suspense...Rafael has been quite enjoyable over the past few days. He is very interesting and makes my day close on the good side. If you read this Rafael big ups to you. Plus to say he is gorgeous...I have pictures but I have to resize them for the site. Aunt's if you read this information please don't run and tell mother...I know you won't anyway you never have. Mom says she doesn't like the fact that I dip in both pools because "The Bible" says it's wrong...yada yada yada. But deep down she wants me to be happy. So through just learning to deal with me and having the support of my online family I am in a current state of being content. Except for the whole having to go to work thing.

Hugs and kisses sent out to you all:

Tricia
Samantha
Aunt Ganda
Aunt Velma
April
Amanda
Erin(you will get a response when I figure out what I want to say)
Patrick
Rafael
Faustus
Cyn
Phil
David
Tink
Sarah
Angelo
And whoever else I can't think of at the moment.

Night

Have I ever...

Wanted to sit at my desk with my lips pressed together and fun my finger over them making that ridiculous sound?

But of course.

Work proved to be more of a pain than a pleasure today. But hey I've got to make a living somehow. Prostitution and crack dealing are becoming more and more appealing these days. Umm...hmm.

Bumsheeka is doing well. She stays in my Hugo Boss duffle bag for most of her boring life. But she does see the light of night every now and again when I'm in need of being motherly and entertainment. I think I may have to knit her a scarf as well. And speaking of scarves I spilled pineapple juice on Baby Girl's so now it is sure to be eaten. I have to start a new one sometime soon or she will never have anything to wear to the Winter Formal I am throwing for her. What to do...what to do.

I must say that I enjoy guest blogging. I actually got comments from two people. Who'd of thunk it? Not I. I thought that my entries would have just went unnoticed but alas they have not. Ya..ha..ha. I really want to design my own background. I tired of the drabness that the templates bring. I want something that screams "Barney's" or "Gitchee gitchee la da da da...creole lady Marmalade." Whichever will work. Well I'm off to talk to R. Oooh..the suspense. I find R. quite interesting.

Long time no talk...

Left for Baltimore on Wednesday after work. I was supposed to go to a New Years party as Stacy's house. However, seeing that Tuesday night I only slep for an hour and 20 minutes it didn't happen. Other than that I watched the ball drop and crashed. Did nothing on Thursday except watch Buffy and listen to the grandmother ramble. Went shopping on Friday and Saturday. Two days of shopping and now I'm wore out. My grandmother, like me is good at shopping. I think that we need to have it classified as an Olympic event.

So now I'm home. I need to unpack. I need to take a shower and eat seeing that I haven't ate today and took a shower last night. I think tonight screams:

Crawl into bed with some Oatmeal cookies..pop in HUSH (4th season Buffy) and chill..maybe read a little and if the moment grabs you crochet more to your blanket and maybe knit a little...aww...

So anywho, since I don't have much to say and I'm guest blogging at Cyn's and I have to have something to write there I'm off. I mean come on how can my writing and life compare to the working of Cyn's. Something fantastic has to happen soon so I have something to write about tomorrow.