Man I just mess up everything

I've done as you have asked. And by you I know this person will know who the "you" is. I just want to say that I didn't mean anything by the comments that I made on the website. If anything it was stupid of me and I want you to know that I would never ever do anything in that respect. I really do value our friendship. You are the first male friend that I have had in forever who has accepted me for who I am and not wanted to change me. I couldn't believe that you were able to read the comments especially since I erased them a long time ago. April knows that I erased them so I'm guessing that the page was saved to your computer. I really can't tell you how sorry I am for hurting you this way. Please know that I would never act upon what I had mentioned in the blog that day. It was just me expressing myself which I should have kept to myself. I never expected you to read it or for the other person to read it. I deserve whatever you have to say to me I know this I just hope that we can still be friends because I really really do enjoy having you as a friend. I cannot stress enough how much of an idiot bastard I was for writing that about him. It wasn't right to say that about him and I honestly didn't think it would upset you that much. From the bottom of my heart I am truly sorry and if there is anything that I can do please don't hesitate to let me know you have my cell number. I cried all day long when I thought of losing your friendship because of how stupid I let myself be. I would never act upon what I said and I can't stress this enough either...please believe me when I say this. You have done so much for my self-esteem and overall happiness that I can't believe I was so stupid. I love you like a brother and that is really no lie. I talk about you all the time because I enjoy you that much. I even think about you and how you are doing and what I can do like when I stopped by to tell you about the Brittany video to better our friendship. Ugh. Umm...so just please know that I fully understand you being mad right now because you have every right to be but when I did write that I really didn't know you two all that well and I would take it back in a split second. I have really moved on from that it was more like a I have to write about it to get it out of my system. And please don't think that I come by to see the other person because I come by to see you. You are one of the greatest people I have ever met in my life...seriously. Actually, I don't even think about stopping to see that person because I tell April all the time when can we go see "you" I need so see "you." So if you read this please let me know that there is some type of hope that we can mend things and if there is anything I can do to make this up to you please please let me know because I am truly truly crazed right now at losing your friendship.

I want you to know that I love ya even if you decide we cannot be friends any longer and I'll always be around if you ever need me and I say this with the very core of my heart.

I am so sorry.

Blonde moment for the day...

So rehab was kick ass. The doctor is insane. He cursed and everything. He was like you have a fucking lot of prescriptions. This is a shit load. So here is the blonde moment for the day.

I was laying on the table and the doctor says "Do you like Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper?" I was like "No thank you I'm fine." Little did I know this was just a question to see how much soda I drink. The doctor replies with "I'm not asking you if you want any I just want to know if you drink soda...and I'm not giving you any...he..he..he." I felt like such an idiot.

I'm on the phone with Constance ard Sarah right now. I'm so happy to hear from them. I miss them sooooo much! I'm going up to Michigan to see them in January. My parents are going to buy me a plane ticket to go up there for Christmas. I told them I want a ticket, a bottle of absinthe, and a tattoo. That's not too much. So I'm going to go because I have lots of catching up to do.

Long time....no write...

Been pretty busy at work. It's going good except for me having to leave early on Friday because of my back. But whatevah! Nothing has really been going on in the neighborhood. At least nothing entertaining. Didn't do much of anything last night except for watch the 3rd DVD of Will and Grace. I finished up the 4th DVD and managed to watch Charlie's Angels Full Throttle today. Other than that I have been one lazy bastard. YaY! go me! I think I'm going to take a bath and maybe watch the whole W & G first season again. It amuses me. I was supposed to get a tattoo today but April couldn't go and I really don't need another one. I mean I think that 9 is enough for the time being plus to get two in less than a month's time is ridiculous. Yes keep telling yourself that Paul so not getting the tattoo today seems okay!

Later

And my shoes do not resemble fucking bowling shoes...they are the latest in fashion!!!!! Damn it...I knew all along they would be called bowling shoes...it's a good thing I didn't get them in any other color but I love them and they love me.

The Battle Has Begun

Today at work I wore my new shoes: Look below





So Kim K. tells me that they look like old man slip on bowling shoes. I'm like no they don't well then she gets Cheryl and Shelby thinking about it and they just bust out laughing. Then my supervisor Kim B. comes over and is like they are cute for bowling shoes at least your bowling shirt matches them.

The battle has begun. They made fun of my shoes all day. And to make it worse while I was on lunch they cut out bowling pins and hung they throughout my cubicle. Damn them...damn them all!

I think they are cute? Don't you? Tell me your honest opinion. I had to stop on the side of the highway to take the pictures because I had to have them. Yes my phone has a camera for those of you who don't know and the internet. I'm a total net freak.

I have more to write about today but I want to eat and take a bath and watch Moulin Rouge!

Bye ya'll from my new alter ego.... G'Storm (it's a strippers name that April came up with by combining Geo and Storm together...isn't this a great name for me?)

Yee-Haw

I need a video camera. Why? Because I want to submit a tape to "The Real World." I think I would make a super cast member. Seriously. Imagine a Baltimore/West Virginia guy making it onto "The Real World." Yee-Haw Bitch!

And last night I had one of the best dreams I have ever had in my life. I wish that I could revisit it. I woke up and was like no please don't tell me I'm awake. Please. So I tried to go back to sleep right away but couldn't get the dream to come back. Damn the fucking sun!

And has anyone ever noticed how sexy Melissa from the New Orleans Real World is? And has anyone ever noticed how sexy Danny from the New Orleans Real World is? What a sandwich that would make. Melissa is way hot, damn hot! And Danny is Apollo-nistic to me.

God the troubles with being sexually frustrated. Even the people at the dirty bookstore get more action than I do what the fuck?

Yippy Skippy

Fuck.

Fuck you.

Fuck me.

Fuck for fuck's sake.

Everything is so not yippy skipy as you can tell by the poem or whatever above. I had a pretty good day today. I got a new pair of shoes, a furry green visor of Oscar the Grouch, and to top it all off a shirt that says "Don't Annoy The Unmedicated Person." That so fits me. I'm going to by a cape made out of black velvet this Friday from HotTopic. It's only $50.00. Good investment right? I thought so. Well the shirt is so fitting me right now. I hate withdrawls...they suck big ass. I was okay all morning and afternoon. But tonight I'm like fuck where can I score some pills? But I know that it will pass. Hopefully. Hmm I want to make a list of all the drugs that I have done...here we go:

1. Pot
2. Ecstacy
3. Acid
4. Xanax
5. Valium
6. Percocet
7. Darvocet
8. Ocycontin 10mg, 20mg, 40mg, 80mg
9. Wellbuterin
10. Soma
11. Vicodin
12. Lithium
13. Librium
14. Loratab
15. Ultram
16. Adavan
17. Liquid Hydrocodone
18. Tylenol 3
19. Kadian
20. Neurotonin
21. Hash
22. Opium
23. Loracet
24. Roxacet
25. Flexaril
26. Moriphine

That's all I can thing of for now. I'm sure there is more. That's a pretty long list though. But what I really want now is "The Green Fairy" or Absinthe. But it has to be purchased from Russia or other places in Europe. Don't worry it's a liquor. No drugs all though it does have a small amount of hallcinigetic something or other in it. I want it for Christmas. Ever since I saw it in Moulin Rouge I've wanted to try it. It's totally legal...in Europe but I still want to try just a shot of it. I really hate detox/withdrawl. But it's for the better. I wonder how long you have cravings? Probably your whole life, knowing my luck any way. But moving on. Here is a picture of the word "trademark" that was stitched into April's mom's hoodie:



Notice the "E" is not there. I just love Tradmarks. It was made in Vietnam but I'm not going to blame them for misspelling it I'll blame it on the designer. Any way it's late and I want to go watch a movie and crash for the night. I can't wait to get my cape on Friday. I will look super-de-duper!

Back what?

Today I was going through claims and I found this name...it is a child Philip Backover. Get it...Flip Backover! Yah..ha..ha!

The day was pretty uneventful until I discovered after 23 years and 4 months how to make paperdolls. The kind that link together. Well I just went crazy. I made children first then moved on to women, men, gangsta's and angels and then pregnant women. Well it didn't stop there I colored them in and passed them to people. Then I thought hey you could connect anything together Paul. So I made a pair of earrings and a tiara that had ruby's and emeralds on the top and the words "Burger King" written across it. Oh what fun paper has made for my day. I can't believe that it has taken me this long to figure out the solution to paperdolls. I plan on getting construction paper this weekend and having a paperdoll fest so I can have paperdolls on my Christmas tree this year. Yay! Oh and I made eyelashes out of post-its. They were really pretty. I secured them with tape.

Today when I went to visit with Heidi she told me that I should be a drag queen.

Heidi: You know you should really be a dragqueen.
Paul: For what? For life?
Heidi: It's not like a lifetime achievement award dumbass. It's a career. You could be Liza or Cher.
Paul: Imagine me getting the life time achievement award for dragqueenism.
Heidi: For life? For what?

She lost it for some reason when I asked the question "For life?" Don't know why.

But then someone told Sharon because we were on the topic of christening children that usually mountain people and country people have their children baptized or whatever it is. So Sharon was called a cave woman for growing up in the mountains. She proceed to lug her pregnant body around as an ape and speak in broken twang. Could life get any better than seeing a pregnant woman walk like an ape?

And today I also did the running man in my cubicle and down through the isle so Esther would be amused. All in all I would say today was boring for what usually happens. But it's not everyday that you are told you would make an excellent dragqueen.

It comes in 3's

Today I learned that April's grandfather passed away at about 1pm. I got the call from her at work. I hope that her and her family will be okay. Especially, her grandmother. But, I know that he is in a better place as is Bob. I told everyone at work today stories about Bob and they throughly enjoyed them. Sharon and Heidi want me to tell more stories about Bob because they say he seemed like unique individual. Which of course he is. I mean was. God that's hard to comprehend...writing about someone you know in the past tense. But everyone asked about April's grandfather and when I told them that he passed they said "it comes in 3's" which I had already realized when I got the call from April. My father said not to be so superstitious but i really think that it comes in 3's. It has before. When Barb's son passed away it wasn't a month when Robbie and two other people I knew passed away. I just hope that Zac isn't freaked out by the email I sent to him...if he is I hope he at least let's me know. But I think he will be okay and hopefully we will be able to develop a better friendship. Bob had just joked that Zac and I had to be joined at the hip because we both like black women. Anyway...

On to a brighter note...

Please pray that you never get Paradactyly (don't quote me on the spelling). It is when a person has 5 or more fingers or toes on each hand or foot. Imagine the possibilities of having 12-14 fingers. And better yet 12-14 toes...you could hang from trees or power lines. Oh the possibilites are endless for those with extra fingers and toes. You are probably counting your fingers and toes like I did after learning about this disorder. I wonder if you can get that disorder when it comes to downstairs...having two or more dicks or vaginas in one crotch area? Now that could be fun....

I am way to perverted. My journal will never be published. I shall never be famous. Or thin...I'm ready to eat dinner!

Yummy...yummy...in my tummy...

Now it's starting to fall into place

The thing that I was talking about that is hidden. Well guess what? It was talked about today and where I know it's at the person came out of the blue and said it too. My father just about dropped dead and so did the other person because of me mentioning it last night on the ride home. This is exactly why I don't deal with death...because something weird always happens. It all started with me quoting stuff to Susan that her mother used to say to her before she died. Ever since then I just have these weird thoughts and questions and messages. I feel like that guy that was on t.v. but I get really freaked out about it. Well I'm off to finish "Tale of the Body Thief." But first I must email Zac. I know what the "he wanted you to know" is and I'm trying to figure out how to say it with seeming all crazy.

You drunken crow...

This picture was taken at SuperFresh in Brunswick, MD. It reminds me of my friend Joyce when she decided that pulling over and passing out in a corn field was a good idea.



And I've decided that my contacts and glasses are a piece of shit. I think I could see better with glass eyes. Plus I could coordinate them with my outfits. Oh the woah's that life brings.

And for those of you who haven't met or talked to my Aunt Velma...I've decided that I'm her clone in a male form. Conversation with her today.

Paul: What are you doing?
Velma: I can't get this fucking mouse to work. It's all eliptical and shit.
Paul: When is your paper due and does that mean it has a laser?
Velma: This fucking thing is a piece of shit. I swear I'm going to put my fucking fist through the computer.
Paul: What's wrong with it?
Velma: It won't move. I swear if you are going to buy a mouse buy a fucking decent one that works.
Paul: Are you sure the computer isn't frozen?
Velma: I don't know how do I fix it? How do I turn the computer off?
Paul: With the off button.
Velma: What the fuck ever. I don't have a job yet. I have to take Granny furniture shopping.
Paul: Hmm. What time is your paper due again?
Velma: Sometime tonight.

And there's some boring stuff besides that. It's like condensed into the best of the conversation. See I'm her clone because not only does she use the word "fuck" as an adjective, adverb, noun, and pronoun but I've known that "fuck" would be my favorite and mosted used word forever. And I'm guessing that it is still hers. Plus we are both really vain and like to make fun of people. But usually those people are beneath us. Just joking.

It's 6:54am what are you doing?

I wish that I was sleeping. I am so tired that I know today at work I will not be productive, talkative, happy, and/or breathing. To make matters worse I have to work a 1/2 hr over to make up for leaving yesterday at 4pm. I really don't care about leaving yesterday because Kim said it was okay it's just the making up the tme part that is getting on my nerves. I'm so tired that I'm wearing glasses for the second time to work. That never happens...not even on my least glamarous day. What the fuck man? I need about 15 cups of coffee and about 10 more hrs. of sleep to go along with them. Talk to you all later...if I have the energy to type this afternoon. Somebody pass the jelly...

IT'S TOO FUCKING EARLY TO BE AWAKE DAMN IT ALL TO HELL AND BACK AND FORTH AND BACK AND FORTH. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just when I thought I wasn't crazy enough...

I have all these jumbled thoughts in my head. About twenty minutes into the viewing tonight for Bob I heard someone say "he wanted you to know." I have no clue where it came from considering I was outside by myself. Then on the way home I had all these questions that just don't make sense yet. There's this thing, I think it is dark burgandy with the initials JBL in gold on the front and it's hidden somewhere in a humador (cigar preserver) that is light oak quite possibly cedar lined not porcelain lined. Where is this coming from? I have no clue. Maybe it will come to me...actually I know it will...like it always does.

Mimi

So for Halloween everyone at work wants me to be Mimi from Drew Carey. Of course I'm going to do it. But I'm going to be the Miss America version of Mimi. I've already started making the dress. I have the perfect vinyl pink hat with feather trim. And glittery purple glasses. I'm going to tell people I'm Mimi...but in actuality I will be Pamela Boobsgiggle. Because the hat reminds me of Pam Anderson's hat that she wore to the VMA's. And my boobs do giggle in this dress I've started to make. I will have a picture if I think I look hot enough.

But other than that I'm not in a very good mood. Maybe it's the craving or whatever but I'm tired too. God let the 27th get here so I can get some professional help.

I can tell by last night this is not going to be a good week. I'm going to watch a movie and maybe fall asleep again...that's the only time I feel comfortable when I'm feening probably because I go all comatose.

Questions

I often wonder why people can question God so much. Is it because they are born to be damned or just because they need answers. Tonight when I got home I found out the our closet family friend died of a heart attack at 54. He would be 55 next week. I looked at the autographed pictures of Lucy Ball and Desi Arnaz and I think why would God do this to such a kind person. My father's closest friend? Why? Why do you just take life from people that make a positive effect on the world and leave all the evil people to live long and wonderful lives that most of use can't imagine. Bob White was one of the kindest and most giving people I have ever met in my life. He told me personally that he would do anything for me if I ever needed anything. If you don't know him he had the Kennedy Collection auction at Christie's in New York about 5 yrs. ago. I feel so bad for Zack his son and his wife Jackie. I couldn't imagine. When I look at the pictures that he gave me because he knew I love "I Love Lucy" so much I can't help but cry because I want to just die inside for him having to be alone. He lost his mother not too long ago and now he has passed away. If there is a purpose or test to this life I just don't understand it. I'm not lashing out at God or saying that there is not a God I just am saying that shit needs to be carried out in a better manner when it comes to people dying. Make the ones who kill, murder, rape, and are just evil die sooner. Don't take away my father's closest friend and leave him to grieve like a child from which I'm sure he will never recover from this loss. If what I'm saying is blasphamis than so be it because I really don't give a flying fuck. All I know is that a person was lost tonight that was one of the people that I not only looked up to but thought of as an uncle. He was wonderful. Words can honestly not express how great of a person he was and how fascinating a person he was. If God left him on this earth for the 54 yrs just so that I would be able to know him than so be it. I just want to know why? I know that there is not an answer...that only God holds the true meaning for why he took Bob away. But it still hurts inside to know that there are so many evil people in this world that live long lives and have everything at their fingertips. I just hope that my father is able to cope with this and not die from losing what is his true "brother." It's a miracle that God let them meet but to take them away from each other at such an early time. I just want to scream. Death is never easy for anyone to handle and I wish that it could be but it happens everyday and life moves on. Such is life. I just know that I need to straighten my life out not only for myself but for the purpose of trying to have an effect on the world in a positive way.

For those of you who never met Bob I want to let you know that I wish you had the opportunity to meet him and this is dedicated to him tonight. I will miss you always Bob and I hope that you watch over my father because he has soooooooo much love for you that it is killing him right now to realize that he will never see you again for whatever reason. Please Bob if you know what is occuring right now please make your presence in Heaven have a positive effect on the world because to me everything just seems to go wrong at the wrong time.

Zack and Jackie my heart goes out to you tonight. I am there for you for anything even if it's just to dry your tears.

I love and will miss you always Bob. It's good to know that I have you looking over me now. I like to think that Aaliyah watches over me but now I know that I truly have an angel in Heaven.

Good night...and remember to love everyday and everyone that you hold close to your heart because in an instant they could be gone.

And good luck on the surgery Pappy (April's Grandfather) I hope to see you well and back at home with Granny.

Like two gorillas in the jungle making love (you know they R Kelly verse)

Last night I'm in the garage making sure that I put my work badge away and just doing whatever one can do in a garage...which makes me think now. But as I'm standing there I realize that there is a cricket near me so I shew it away. Actually if you know me I screamed and jumped away from it and it fled. So I go back to whatever and I hear him starting to chirp. Then out of no where the chirping gets way way way loud.

The crickets were getting their freak on. It was like a room of multiple orgasms. God they are so lucky to have that. It lasted for like 6 mins of good ol' cricket lovin' and then it was over. But if you have never heard crickets go at it it is crazy. It almost sounds like a mutant cricket that it is so loud. And no I didn't try to find them to watch I could tell they needed privacy or a cigarette.

Just the thought of bugs grosses me out but I'm thinking about wishing myself into a cricket for one fun night and then wishing myself back to the "Supermodel/Actor/Singer/Songwriter/Diva/Everything other's which they could be but can't" Superstar. I'm so full of shit I make cows look bad.

I had a fantastic day...

I was so involved in work today that I almost forgot to take a lunch. What a shame. I was like in hyper mode reviewing claims and stuff. Man I thought I had it bad but damn some of these people are like "eww...I don't even want to touch you with a stick." I made Cheryl laugh again today when I put on my afro wig and sang...It's your birthday to her for like the 50th time. Kim B. is pregnant so a big congrats goes out to her.

Guess what? I know you are dying to know...

I got to see Underworld again and it was even better this time than my virginal time seeing it. I went with Manieka...I'll have to get a picture so you all can see the "supermodel" as my mother likes to call her. But I can't disagree either. Manieka's hair is sooooo pretty especially with the highlights. After the movie we went to Romano's Macaroni Grill and it was so good I can't even begin to speak about it without my mouth drooling. I had this drink called a Tiratini. It's tiramisu made into a drink using Vodka, Bailey's, something else, and the vodka has Godiva white chocolate in it. Ugh the ecstacy that tini brought to me. Had some really good conversation tonight. It has been eons since I last saw Manieka so we had about 6 hrs to catch up with each other. Next time we will have to go bowling or to a club or something. So Manieka thank you for a wonderful night. It was way fun.

Aunt Velma: Thank you for the email. It is much appreciated. Please keep this between you, me, Aunt Ganda, and mom. No one else is to know. I know you won't say anything but I figure I told Aunt Ganda so I have to tell you. I'll call today and hopefully we can go to lunch. I wouldn't mind going to the House of Rock. Where is it exactly? And I'll kick some ass with you. Yah...ha...ha!!

Good night ya'll it's 1:02am and I am now tired and ready to fall asleep to a random movie.!!

And guess what .......no cravings today...yeah me!

Today was a good day....

After finding out that someone I sort of knew overdosed on OC's it made me realize even more how stupid I was. I'm so glad that I'm growing mentally and starting to appreciate myself more.

I want to send a special thanks to two people:

Manieka: I thank you so much for taking the time to leave a comment. I know that you were probably shocked to read some of the stuff I've been up to but I know I will win this battle. You still sound as beautiful as ever on the phone. I can't wait to see you on Friday. You are the one person that I've always wanted to keep in touch with even if it is every couple of years because you were always the person that could brighten my day. Plus your easy on the eyes. My father thinks you are one of the most beautiful women he has ever seen and I'd have to agree. See I'm blushing telling you this. But seriously you comment truly meant a lot to me to know that you still acknowledge me as a friend as I have always done with you. But I'm still jealous you got to tour Europe without me. It's my dream. Hawaii was wonderful but Paris and the other countries I'm dying to explore the architecture. See you Friday afternoon.

Tricia: Again I deserve to give you a big kiss and hug for being so non-biast. You truly understand me more than anyone else I know besides April. It's almost like you knew I needed help and you are always there for me even if it is just through your funny comments on my page. Words really can't expres what a God sent you are to me for being so open minded. When you quoted "Be who you are because there is no point in living if you can't be yourself" was one of the first things that started me on the path to wanting to make myself realize I have an addiction. So again thanks and telll Cameron I said hello even though he won't remember me. It's funny now that I think of it because you are such a great person I wish that Dan could have seen you for the amazing woman that you truly are. But I'm sure he is watching over you and appreciative in his own way of what a wonderful person you are.

So there are my shout outs to two of my wonderful and supportive friends.

Mom is so open minded to the fact that I could be bisexual even though I don't want to classify myself. She told me that she will love me for who I am no matter what. Even though she doesn't agree with men being with other men she said that I can't help who I am and I have to be me to be happy or there's no reason to enjoy life. So she is on the same wave length as Tricia. I really just need a companion that I can really spend time with and just talk and talk and talk. I'm good at that. April you are my number one supporter and I know you always will be so don't think that I'm brushing you aside. I would hope you know how much I love you and I hope the feeling is mutual. Ewww incest...since we consider each other brother and sister. You know I would do anything for you for a klondike bar....just joking.

Well enough blabbing...I'm getting tired and looking forward to tomorrow and going to dinner and a movie with Manieka.

Good night...and I thank God for giving me such a positive day and a chance to reform myself.

Now if I could only look like a super model I'd be set!! But that will come in time.

You know it's on ething to be deconstruction to property but it's another thing to destroy yourself. God how stupid I've been. Mentally I'm a total basket case. And when Imean basket case I'm like an endless picnic basket full of dark thoughts. Dont take this as me being all blah..blah...blah. No I'm not thinking all homicidal or suicidal. I'm just bored with thinking. It would be great of me to think nice things all day but lately I've been at a loss. Good God the song I'm listening to is "Cry Me A River." Well I just need to build the bridge and get over it. Right? Anti-depressants just don't seem to work. What is it with being depressed anyway? It's like I'm happy for so long but it just fades away and I'm in that shell again. I don't know exactly what drags me down but something does. Wether it be lonliness(companionship), my health or realizing what a big old addict I am. I just don't know. I told my mom today that I was attracted to another guy. I have no clue how I had the courage to do it but I did. I expected a "click" but she was okay it with as much as one can expect. The thing is I don't want to define my sexuality. I mean I find myself attracted to all kinds of people. Male or Female it just doesn't matter to me. I don't really want a relationship, which my parents say would do me wonders. I wish I could just pop out of this mood. Today has been an awful day of feening. It's amazing the cage drugs builds around your thoughts. When you try to concentrate on something you always seem to be distracted. What I wouldn't give for some mental clarity. I almost feel like I've been on a binge and I'm strung out. But I'm not. Pain management or the better word rehab starts on October 27th. Hopefully this will have a positive effect on me. Mom told me today that my doctor knew I was addicted to pain killers or what have you before she even told him. See I knew people could tell it's just I didn't want to face it myself. But time changes and I guess you finally "wake up" or whatever the quote is. I'm really glad I'm lucky enought to have woken up at such an early age. I couldn't imagine being a junkie in his late 30's and be worth noghting or ever worse dead. But such is life...sa la vie. At least I know I have friends and family that are cool with being there for me. They have been there for a long time it's just that I've ignored the problem. No more hiding this time...right?

Ewww

This morning I realized why I hate being sick:

1. You ache
2. You're all discombobulated
3. You get runny everything (eyes, nose, etc...)
4. You get hot, then cold, then sweaty
5. Here's the best one. When you throw up you are prone to nose bleeds...at least I was. Imagine that...not only does the puking part suck but as a consolation prize you get a bloody nose.

Work was so better off without me today.

Here's a thought

So the other day my father and I were driving around Frederick when I came back from the doctor's and we had been talking about whatever and he had mentioned this:

"You are the best thing that could have happened to your mother and I."

And all I could think of was:

"But the worst thing that has happened to myself."

For whatever reason this has stuck with me over the past couple of days. It's amazing to me how self destructive I am. Wether it be when I drank all the time or was heavy into taking pills. Regardless, I've come to realize that I am dangerous to myself when it comes to tolerance and pressure. You see I made a pact with myself not to drink this weekend. Friday night was a breeze since I slept it away. However, Saturday was not so easy. When April asked me if I wanted to go have a margarita I really wanted to. But I knew that taking medicine I shouldn't. But then to make matters worse it was either stay home and read or go to Frank's party. Well somehow I managed to stay home. Maybe because I took 3 sleeping pills so I would be too tired to go anywhere. But I did it. This is like the first time in a long time that I have been able to resist. Now when it comes to pills I can't say I'm as successful. Although I haven't been around any so I can't say for sure. Hmm. Realizing that you are an addict or an in the process of recovering/was an addict is a lot different than I thought it would be. Trying to buy pills, steal them, whatever it's just not cool anymore. Thank God Charles Town and the latter is dry because I'm feening and not in a good way. But somehow I'll manage just like I do everyday. It's crazy that doctor's give you something to take away the pain but don't give you anything to take away the craving of what took away the pain. Now I can almost see eye to eye with the people that go the all natural remedy way. I woke up this morning feening for pills just like every other day but for some reason today was different. Today I realized that wanting them this bad is not good. I mean yeah I like the euphoria they bring but it is only temporary. Plus Barb had said something yesterday about me being "stoned" all the time. How does she know without actually knowing. I'm glad that she said something..it's weird. It's like she knew I had been bad without me having to say anything. I'm tired of people associating me with the name "Pill Popper." Now I have the stigma. People are always asking me "are you still on medicine?" like they know I abused them and for some reason I'm sure they could figure it out on their own that I was. Maybe this is just a phase but I really hope that it isn't. I think I need to have more respect for myself and now that I'm starting to actually be myself I'm not going to let myself rely on drugs or alcohol for that temporary fix of emotions. So whatever is whatever...I just know I don't want to be that person found dead from a night of too much fun.

I really think that I have this woman to thank for me starting to appreciate myself more: Lyrics to Beautiful by Christina Aguilera

Don't look at me Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the fame, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone and the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words won't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words won't bring you down

Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay
And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

Serious thought of the day: "It's amazing to me how words can have such an effect on the mind. But when they are sung not spoken do they really transform the soul."

Teach me that again...

Last night was a total bust. Ugh. Aside from reading Tale of the Body Thief I had nothing better to do. Ann Rice gets on my nerves now. She totally had Lestat wanting to screw some guy named David. Who I might add wanted to screw Lestat. Then he said..."Oh I can't I just can't." Please! I was all like just fuck and get it over with so Lestat can move on and I can stop reading about David wanting him but not wanting him. I would love to take a hit of acid and read some Ann Rice though because I think it would be pretty interesting the things you would see. Not that I would ever do acid again. But more importantly, I've decided that April, Frank, and I need to take syncranized swimming lessons that incorporates belly dancing and rap. So if anyone has a recommendation for a teacher with these powers please feel free to comment.

Sometimes I think people read my mind. Or maybe it's just the Ann Rice thing getting to me. But Cyn wrote yesterday about stuff that totally makes sense to me today. It's like my thoughts were transplanted on her page. Except I have met to many hookers to want to snort something off of their stomach. Also, the radio is psyhic too. I will be thinking of a song and it will come on like within 10-15 seconds. It's weird.

Thought of the day: For a person as sane as me I sure do come up with some strange shit.

I think...

I'm about to faint. Okay so let me retract that statement about WV being boring because I've been reading through some blogs that were just published and these people are making me go all comotose. Is it just me or are there a lot of boring teenagers out there these days. And a lot of poets. For the love of myself...these people are all like "Daddy said" and "bwah..bwa..bawa." I feel like I'm reading but all I can hear in the background is the teacher from Charlie Brown because these people are fucking killing me. Man fuck is my favorite word...have you ever noticed that? And just for shits and giggles...I do look cute today...all prep school boy...if I were a clone I'd have to get with me.

Ugh...

Today is all gloomy and shit. Ugh. I'm bored. Although I did just have a super dinner. But other than that today has been dull and boring. I think that West Virginia may be as boring as it gets here in the United States. Although I hear that Wyoming is pretty boring and Montana. But those places are really BFE. Anyway, I'm hoping that tonight is not as boring as the day has been. Wish me luck for some good times tonight.

Sometimes...

It must be noted that the world is full of crackheads. Take for instance KK at work. I thought well her husband is in the military and she is really nice and motherly. Well guess what she is an undercover crackhead(not really she just smokes up). But I couldn't believe it when she told me that she smoked a bowl to go to sleep Thursday night. See there are just some things that you don't share with fellow employees...and that is one of them. And even Cheryl is a undercover crackhead. KK told me to ask Cheryl about smokin' up and beer bongs. I know that this story will be interesting.

I feel like shit today. Other than sleeping for like 15 hrs last night I did nothing. Tonight I have to do something though. I don't care if I have to stuff tissues up my nose just to go to WalMart I shall do something. So anyway, I getting off here. Susie W is stopping by so I can make up her advertisement for the Olde Town Christmas thing I do every year.

On the road again...(Shout out to Willie...See April I know one of his songs)

Just got back from the doctor's. I have been driving for like 3 hrs now. My back hurts and I have snot clogged from my feet to my head. Damn congestion! But I think I'm the only person who gets sick and still manages to go shopping. My father really wanted to go to the movies but I was like no because mom will be all like "you are sick you need to stay in." So I told my father that since Underworld didn't start until 4:20 that I didn't want to go...I checked the times before making this decision. But then I said let's go to Best Buy and let me buy some stuff. So I got Boat Trip, Dreamcatcher, and two Coldplay Cd's. I told my father that I was going to get drunk and watch television and when my mother questioned me on why I was drunk I was going to tell her: "You told me that I couldn't go out so I stayed in." Yah...ha..ha...mwah...ha...ha! <-----I'm going for a really evil laugh of victory here. I think it would be hilarious but I can't drink with anti-biotics. But do not fret I will be better by tomorrow afternoon. I've told myself already that I may be congested but it will not stop me from having a drunken filled weekend. And my quest to find someone is on. I'm in the mood but now that I think about it I don't think that a snotty nose is such a turn on.

Later...I'm getting ready to watch Dreamcatcher.

Color me envy...

So what is it with old women and lime green? I mean they are a death's grip anyhow but why let in on the secret. Today coming home from April's work and I saw this woman wearing a lime green polyester suit. Hello it makes your skin look like it is already decaying. She sort of had this olive/hunter green look. Dying is one thing but looking dead is a crime.

When I'm all alone...

I still hear laughter. Isn't that a weird situation? I'm so entertaining that I laugh at myself. Some people are born to be politicians, singers, lawyers and hookers...but I, I am born to be a SUPERSTAR! (And yes I will do the pose). There is nothing more entertaining then when you can entertain yourself. It's so much cheaper than the movies. All you need is your ears and voice and of course an open mind. Yay for me for being stupendious.

A new store has opened...

As April and I were on the way to the store she informed me that we could go to Wong Mart. I just love it when new stores open for me to shop at. And I love it when people mispronounce words...like I so often do. But the best part is that Wong Mart sells Chinese people figures. I can't wait...I've been dying to start a "Miniature Chinese People Collection" for a long time now.