Don't Take It Personal

You know I really hate it when you are having a decent day and someone manages to ruin it for you. This one sales girl that I refer to as "Bitch Face Girl" because she always looks mean (by the way I don't say that to anyone here) told her sales manager that she gave me an order to place UPS 2nd Day Air. Well she then informs him that I did not put the ship method as that. She gives her manager a new printed ticket and not the ticket that I gave back to her with date, time, PO number, and ship method handwritten on the ticket. I had told her last week that the representative that places our orders with the factory did not put it as 2nd Day Air and I told him to call the factory to have them change it. Well he did and the factory did not do it. So, I did my part it was the rep and factory that screwed the order up. But, she tries to blame it on me like I did not do my job. So I take and go into the system that keeps original PO's. It is the original copy and even if you change the PO you cannot change the original copy that the system holds. And what do you think that it shows? UPS 2nd Day Air. What is it with people that they feel they have to lie because they screwed up. Did I mention that she forgot about the order for two days and then gave it to me? Did I mention that she was well informed and that the order was promised by the factory by the day she needed it and she was not responsible for the shipping charges thanks to me having to get everything straightened out on the order? Does she tell her manager that she thanked me so much last week for working on the problem to get it resolved and that everything worked out perfectly? No. She plays dumb and tries to get someone in trouble.

The whole thing makes me mad crazy because I hate it when people lie about my work performance. But, that is ok because I went over it with my manager who is well aware that I fucking rock at this job and have yet to mess anything up and he realizes what type of person "Bitch Face Girl" is. Also, her manager is well informed that she is a lying bitch faced whore.

Loves it.

When is too far?

Last night Cheri, Dad, and I went to see Silent Hill. After, we left the movie we were going to get something to eat but Cheri's girlfriend called. Her name is Marissa. She was yelling at Cheri for not bringing her lunch and what not and hung up on her. I said do you need me to take you back to your car when she was on the phone again with Marissa. Marissa starts spouting off at the mouth and sends Cheri a text message saying "If he has something to say tell him to kiss my ass." Hold the phone. No this bitch did not just fuckin' kirk out on me and for that matter I was doing her a favor.

Let's just say that their relationship is no where near being healthy. Marissa has hit Cheri on several occassions and I will never forget about that. But, I was so mad last night that I was searching for Marissa's number because I was going to call her and tell her how it was. People say it is none of my business. Well when someone physically hurts a friend and makes them feel like shit and tells that friend that it will never be over until one of them is dead and I have to hear about it I am involved.

Marissa works for a government military place and if they found out any of this information that I have on her. Especially, the police report I am sure that her career in being a military cop would be over. I would hate for that to happen.

And to clarify I would do this for any of my friends. If Adam ever did something to April that would be it. If Marissa ever lays a hand on Cheri again she is done. That is just the way it is. I only have a hand full of friends and whether it be my place or not to get involved fucking hurt them. I dare you.

And, April we all know if anything was ever done to you he wouldn't have a chance with your father and uncle. But, I would still try to at least pull his hair!

And Silent Hill was a mere ok in my book. Never fucking believe the critics. I fell for the good reviews and was sadly disappointed.

I feel a sin coming on...

And it involves the use of a rusty spoon and several casualities. Who you may ask? Well you will find out in the evening news. (*Note: This is just a joke people not an actual promise)

If people would just bow down and realize I am the king of everything then all would be right in this fucked up world.

You know? Now bow bitch!

Moving Too Fast

Lately my weekends seem like they do not even exist. It seems like I get off on Friday and when I wake up on Saturday it is already Monday. Does this make sense? It does to me. The weekends of late fly by. I feel like I do not even have two days off of work. Why is it that the weekday can last longer than the average male orgasm but the weekend day busts before it even gets the condom on? I think it is a conspiracy. Either the aliens or the government (which by the way is not too far from being an alien) fuck with the time continum or whatever time thingy that makes time zoom by. And we never notice it. Well I have and I say to either add a day to our weekend or slow time down on the weekends because it sucks...it sucks worse than your mother. And that is bad. For the time being I guess I will just have to deal with the two "short/non-existent" days that I get off each week. Or I could build me a PaulBot to fill in for me at work when I need that extra day off. But, I am really not sure how to build one.

In other breaking news I replaced Brewser with two...count them...two hooded rats. They are absolutely rat-tastic. They are both females and are about 8 weeks old. Pepper is white with a grey hood and Pancake is white with a blonde hood. Pepper is out of control. She is nosey and ready to investigate everything. Pancake on the other hand is more timid. Actually, she is a scaredy-rat. LOL. Needless to say they have filled the void that was caused by having to return Brewser. Mom loves them and so does Mia. She watches them and does not move. I don't think she realizes what they are and that they could take her out with the ninja moves that I am teaching them. I have to get someone to teach me how to knit sweaters for them. Now that would be absolutely rat-tastic.

Easter went by without any problems. Except for my stomach. It has not been right since I ate that chicken that was bad. I had to cancel on April and the family on Saturday because Mr. Tummelsworth was not letting me leave the house. The same thing on Sunday. And at 4:00 a.m. this morning. I am not sure if it is the lingering results of eating bad chicken or that I am drinking too much Sunny Delight? So I am on Sunny Delight withdrawals.

But, I have managed to lose 3 pounds from my troubles with el camode.

Neverland Lost?

I have come to the conclusion that I am a grown up wether I want to admit it or not. Now I may not always act like I am mature or even remotely close to the term adult but, I am noticing however that I am becoming more and more to the "older" people mold. The first thing that I noticed is that my energy level is no where near what it used to be. I used to be able to go to work on two hours sleep. Now, I do not even have the energy to want to go to work on 9 hours sleep. Not that I really get that much sleep anyway. I am having a really hard time sleeping again. The next thing I noticed and this is some what too much information is that I am getting drier skin. It is like my youth is draining out of my body and I am turning into an geriatrics best friend...a prune. I would prefer to be a California Raisin because at least they were cool at one time. Prunes have never been in style as far as I know. Probably because they don't stick around enough if you know what I mean.

Another thing is that of my television habits. While I do have a daily schedule I find myself getting bored with it lately. Please don't mistake this I am still in love with the Golden Girls. To shun the Golden Girls is a big no no in my book. However, during the other programming I tend to switch the television to more informational shows. Like the history channel. Hello! What do I care about what happened 180 years ago or 26 years ago? I wasn't born yet so it had nothing to do with me. Old people are supposed to watch those shows. At least the old people that I know. Sorry April it is true Adam is secretly an elderly man in disguise and as much as he flows I know that he is using prunes. Please don't ask for details to that one. And this morning I came to an even bigger revelation.

I am listening to talk radio! That is one of the final steps in becoming an adult/older person. I should be jammin to rap, hip hop, opera, showtunes. But no! I have to listen to Elliott in the Morning and I listen to it like it was my religion. WTF. Next, I will have become a conservative bald headed white male with hair as long as The Great Wall of China coming out of my ears.

I don't want to grow up. And no I'm not a Jerry's kid. At least I haven't been for a couple years.

Be Nice...Okay...Not Going To Happen

The first issue that I have to cover is that of Brewser. I had to take him back to the breeder last night. He tried to bite my mother three times. I am sure that it was nothing personal and just him testing his limits but, it is odd for a puppy to be that aggressive. We also found out that Jack Russell's are known for killing other small pets, i.e., Mia Mu. She is two pounds and not going to get any larger so that is a risk I am not willing to take. However, the weekend with him was awesome and I really hope that he finds a good home. I cried like a little girl. But, today is better.

The next issue to be discussed is that of Cheri's half sister Sharon. Cheri brought over her step-sister and half sister yesterday to see the puppy. Well when they were leaving Sharon was walking toward the door to leave. She is six years old by the way. I don't know if she wasn't looking or what but she ran smack dab right into the glass storm door. Bang! And then stumbled backwards. Now, generally speaking it is not nice to laugh at a child when they injure themself. But, I am sorry that shit was hilarious. How do you not see a closed door? Granted it is all glass but it does have a handle and a frame. I blame it on my mother's obsession with windex. Child + walking + glass door = cackling!! If I could send these images to you telepathically I certainly would with an evil MWAH HA HA attached at the end.

God love moments like these!

The Name Game

Here is a picture of the newest edition to the Paul Clan. But, I cannot decide on a name. I am thinking Mu, Brewser, Tobias, or Shao Pei (mandarin).

#502

I just realized that I have broken the 500th entry mark on my blog. It has only taken over three years. It is amazing. I am sure that it is over 502 because I used to post more than once a day. But, I guess that you can only count each day as one. At least that is what Blogger is telling me at the present time.

A friend of mine told me yesterday that I should seriously look into writing sitcoms or an advice column because of my wit. And, I am seriously thinking about contacting some local papers/magazines to find out if it is possible that I may do this for them. They will have to pay me for it. I mean come on I am a whore and any services rendered must be paid in full. I am wondering how to go about this though. Does anyone out there have any advice? I am seriously thinking about contacting The Blade in D.C. I could be as vulgar and crass as I wanted to be as my people run this magazine. And, Jerry Falwell says we are the spawn of Satan so I feel it is my duty to prove him wrong because even breeders are vulgar and an abomination. So take that Mr. Falwell. You fucking idiot.

I have my first piece of advice:

In regards to Mr. Falwell we must write him off. We all know that people that preach with the cruelty he does are closet freaks. You know he wears nylons underneath his suits. Granted he trys to justify them because they have a cross printed in gold on them and they become Heavenly Hose you are still and undercover dragqueen. And, just because you did it in the "missionary" position with one of your students doesn't make it a holy crusade. You are still an undercover bi-homo-lesbo-sexual. So, Mr. Falwell the next time you preach that my people and I should burn in hell and be shipped off to a deserted remember your time at band camp and get in touch with your inner pervert.

Reservation for One

To quote one of my favorite movies...if not my favorite "I have found it I am in hell." Spoken by Quoizer in Steel Magnolias.

I have been working on filing for the past couple of workdays. I could not find the "file burning" ball gown of my dreams so I 86ed that idea. Well, it had gotten to the point that every last invoice was filed from the past week.... okay three weeks and I was in heaven. Now, I am given about four weeks of invoice confirmation. Is it just me or does someone out there not find me that funny? Or did those schemin' file trolls plan this? They can barely pull themselves out of their caves without scaring our customers so I am guessing I'm not liked. So now I have to go back to all of the invoices that I so willingly and without contempt filed as of yesterday and attach the confirmations. Now it would not be so bad if I didn’t have to use that metal thing that has projectile clamps that love to bite me. This one time I managed to close my finger in a stapler two times in one day and it has damaged my outlook on the whole process. It is a two-step process just for attaching the confirmations. Find the correct invoice and staple it. Which the whole hot mess is just three easy steps to filing perfection but it is one that I loathe. You try being eaten by a stapler…a very low quality stapler at that and see if you don’t feel my angst.
But the whole point is that I think Satan has reserved the third ring of hell for us Administrative Gays who hate filing. Well Satan this bitch is taking a stand. I’m using paperclips.

Not to sound trite

But, I put the blo in blonde. Not that I have blonde hair at the moment but that is besides the purpose.

So, I am reading a message from Meghan today and it has the phrase "ends meet" in it. I correct her and tell her that she spelled meet wrong. That is should be meat. You know like the red stuff I don't eat...meat. I always thought that when someone said "we are not able to make ends meet" that they meant that they did not have enough to even get the "ends meat" or the tail end of a cow's ass. Like we are strugglin to make it therefore, we cannot even afford to eat or are becoming subject to be close to starvation. And, as Meghan corrects me for correcting her it finally hits me. Ends meet...like that of two ends of string. We can't get them bitches to "meet" at the "ends."

We all so learn something everyday. At least I do.

Ooey Gooey Goodness

I have a hidden crush my people. One that I have been hiding secretly for about seven years. These past couple of weeks it has almost become an obsession. I find myself drooling everyday over my prince. Who could it be you are asking yourself? Well I'll give you a huge hint:



Is this man not the hottest thing since global warming? Well at least I think so. I remember Hal when he was the "Talk Soup" host back those many years ago. Oh what puppy love.

However, this is not the topic at hand today. What is at hand is a bunch of bitches being pimp slapped by yours truly. I found out today that the company I am working for wants to hire me on permanently however, the evil temp whores do not want to let me out of my contract. They are making a $4.00 an hour profit on me. They really get $7.00 an hour but that is to make up for taxes and what not. Excuse me you designer imposter perfume black root stylin eighties throw back wearin temp whores but I want out. I have not yet devised a plan for the temp whores demise but I am working on it. Those evil bitches. The excuse is that I have not been here long enough and they do not want to let me out of my contract yet because of the profit they would be losing. Well eat it up bitches because one way or another you are going to let me out of the fucking contract. You should be happy that I even gave your agency the time of day knowing that you would probably not be able to find an employer paying my pay scale. So because of my generosity you are making bank while I sit here making less than I am used to. Way less. Well I really hope that you put the profit to good use and get that dye job that you seriously need. New Jersey girls are outraged that you attempt to pull off Jersey hair and you obviously do not know the sacred art form that is called "Jersey Hair." Get some new make-up for that thing you call a face. The 70's called baby and they want their hooker blue eye shadow back. And the cast of Pretty Woman called back for those rags you call clothes.

Feel my rage temp whores. I am heated. I am out for vengence.