The Dark Half

Well things had been going great all day yesterday until last night. I had fixed dinner and went up April's house to play Scrabble/PlayStation II when I got a phone call at 9:09pm. Dad tells me that I need to come home as soon as possible because Baby Girl is dying. I am thinking what the fuck is he talking about? Dying? So I rush home to find that she had had a stroke. I take her to my room and just hold her and talk to her. I laid her on my chest and it was weird for some reason she would crawl up and lay on my collar bone and put her head up under my neck like she used to when she was a baby. Now when I say crawl I mean she would drag herself with her two front legs because she lost mobility in her back legs. Her eyes would not blink either.

I know she was suffering but, couldn't do anything for her but be there with her. I asked God to either heal her or take her. It wasn't fair to do this to a creature. No matter how big or small. Well nothing happened. Not as much as I prayed, begged, and cried. This is why my faith is faithless. For a long time now I have lost faith and last night seeing her suffer and become this paralyzed being I realized for the first time that I don't want to believe anymore. That is not important though but, don't talk to me about praying for help, praying for forgiveness, praying for anything because when it comes right down to it when I needed it before it never came and when I needed it last night He let her suffer.

Needless to say I was going to try to take her to an all night vet in Winchester, VA. I got her bundled up in my scarf, took her to the car, laid her in the seat so I could get adjusted and picked her back up to hold her. She died a minute later at 11:17pm. I went to the store and got her a beautiful gold and white box. I put raffia in it with her, a yellow rose (mom), a red rose (dad), and a white rose (me), a picture of me, and a miniature Buddha she had tried to chew once. Then I proceeded to bury her at the corner of the house. She has roses atop her grave.

I love her and miss her already and can barely stop crying long enough to type this. But, with the sweet always comes the bitter.

The brighter side

I just got off the phone with GeoConcepts, Inc which is an independent engineering company I interviewed with in October and did not get the position. But, guess what? They remembered me and want me to come work with them at their new facility. I am totally siked. I really enjoyed going there for the interview last time so knowing that they enjoyed me is great. The pay is decent...$15.00 an hour. Even if it only requires 25-30 hours a week it is all good. Vivian one of the owners of the company told me that they are getting busier and busier. So that lets me know I'm not too far from getting full time hours. I just need to work my magic is all. She told me that they really enjoyed my interview and that they couldn't forget me so they want me there.

So I am happy now!! I am also getting another part time job in the evenings for like 4 hours a night to have extra money.

Yippy Skippy!!

And I shall never forsake thee

April got me thinking tonight about those people around you being proud of you. Most of all, your parents. I was thinking on the way home that parents are never trully proud of the offspring. However, if they are it usually results in that child not being happy with themself. My parents have always told me that they are proud of me. But, the thing is is that when I made them the most proud I was being untrue to myself. I was trying to fit the cookie cutter mold of what a reputable child should be. Always be obiedient, spoke when spoken to, a place for everything and everything in its place. Things like that. It is frustrating.

Even when I was on drugs my parents would tell me that they were proud of me. I know that they weren't. What they were probably proud of is the fact that I was still productive and responsible even though I was addicted. Whatever the case I was very happy when I was on drugs. Would I go back to doing them. I can honestly say yes. The feeling that you get when you are high on pills is that which I miss. A great deal. I am happy that I am not addicted anymore but if I had the means and the way I would still be a pill junkie. I like the way it makes me feel about myself. I feel like I am actually alive when I am high.

But, that is not the conversation I'm supposed to be talking about. Does anyone ever truly believe that their parents are "proud" of them? Or is it that the children shall never live up to the expectations set forth from their parents?

To April: I say to be strong. Your parents will always treat you as the outcast even though it shouldn't be that way. But, you know that it will always be this way. You have done nothing to deserve the treatment that you get from them. I have bit my tongue for years now but, that time has passed. Your parents treat you like a fucking piece of dirt. The way they make you do things for them, answer to them, and bow down to them is bullshit. Now don't get me wrong I love your parents to death because they have done things for me that I appreciate but, I can still have an opinion on how they treat my bestest bestest homegirl in the world. I think that you honestly need to start standing up to them. Don't take their bullshit. The most they can do is kick you out and you know that you are more than welcome at my house. You and Adam just pack your shit and get here safely is all I ask. Just know that they have put you through way too much bullshit April that you don't deserve. Maybe they are jealous of the person you are. You are independent, strong, smart, and know how to fend for yourself. I don't think that they like that. They want you to depend on them and in return treat you as if you were Cinderella. In any case don't take their shit. You always have somewhere to come...not that living here is a fucking Mary sunshine picnic party.

Whatever, I don't want to think about it anymore because quite frankly, it despresses me. But, lately everything depresses me.

Night my children.

Blizzey Blahzay

Well...well...well. Let's see. I no longer am working again. It was really just not working. Combine two back surgeries and a requirement of lifting televisions and on and on and you will see why. Do I feel bad for leaving already? Yes. Am I currently looking? Yes.

Other than that nothing else much going on. Just got back from Baltimore last night. Going to April's grandmothers today. Went for my interview on Friday. It went alright.

I am currently Blizzey Blahzay about stuff.

I find this disturbing...

I came home from work to turn on the news after a hot shower. Legislature in Texas has now made it mandatory that all Health class textbooks go by the "code of what marriage really is." Now phrases like "marriage is the union of two individuals by consent" it will now be "marriage is the union of an individual man and an individual woman with their consent." There were some other phrases that will be changed but now textbooks are being censored for high school health class. What about the people that are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual that need to be informed on how to take care of their own health? What about informing these individuals with statistics on the gay community? Why are we now being pushed further back to where they are censoring textbook material and alienating the individuals that are homosexual in high school?

I don't know about you but Texas can kiss my ass with their fucking tongue out. It is complete and utter bullshit. Next, gay and lesbians are not going to be able to go to public schools. We will have to be bused out. Motherfuck that.

Enough bitching about the world. This job is so not for me. But, I will hang out until something better suited comes along. It is not that I don't like the work. It is that the work doesn't like me. Seeing that I have been through two back surgeries I should not be lifting anything over 15lbs. But, as luck would have it I have been lifing over triple that. So whatever. My back feels like it is about to come loose from my body and I am getting crazy muscle spasms in my legs, feet, and sides. But, it is better than nothing at all. And, if I become even more disabled than I already am I just have to fucking deal with it.

Life is like a fucking roller coaster it just jerks you off and you are never satisfied. Fuck.

Is that where they sell walls?

One of my favorite Paris Hilton quotes. I have taken a temporary job so that I have some sort of money coming in until I find a for real real job. I am working at none other than Wally World. Which is my home away from home. It took so much for me to apply and take a job there. I had to suck it up and swallow a dick....I mean my pride. Embarrassed? Yes. In need of money? Fuck yeah. Able to work while embarassed? Almost priceless but I still get a pay check.

I have an interview with Loudoun County Government on November 12th. I am hoping/praying/aerobisizing that I get this job. It would be working at the Fire and Resue Center in Leesburg, VA. I would be their administrative assistant. And with this applying/interview I have to fill out hella paperwork. They want to know every thing about me: driving record, past employment, drug usage, cock size, bra size, hair color. I wouldn't be surprised that when I get down there they want to do a cavity search. But that is just me.

Anywho, I'm off to look for something new to cook tonight. Wish me luck on the interview next week if you would.

Here is my picture page link:

SnApShOt