Go Shawty It's Yo Burfday...

So yesterday was my mother's 46th birthday. Gwen and Scott took us out to dinner to celebrate. And I did the most awful thing. I betrayed "The Order of the Cow." Yes my pretties I ate moo. But moo never tasted so good. Especially when it is a $27.00 filet mignon. So now I must pray to the Goddess of Moofa to forgive me for my trespasses and for eating her husband.

Sunday should be interesting considering that we are having a Memorial Day Party at my Aunt Velma's house. I just hope it is hot enough outside to get in the pool. What makes it so interesting is that my Aunt Crackhead...I mean Aunt Cathy is back with her husband that started the fight at the Mother's Day Party. Will he or will he not show? If he does my Uncle Keith's family will be there as well and they are known to be fighters so we will let them knock the shit out of Billoholic this time. As my family has already represented in that department.

Oh and I so turn 26 on 6/6/6. I have been communicating with my father. You know Lucifer and he said that it will be a fabulous day.

Whoa Nelly!

Happy Mudda Day...

I hope that mothers across the world enjoyed their special day yesterday. I went to get my mother flowers on Saturday night and had to stand in line for over 25 minutes. Now mind you it was 10:45 p.m. and the lines were that bad. And to top it all off my mother was still awake when I went home so I had to give her the flowers then. She ruined the surprise as I was going to put the flowers in a vase and have them sitting in the kitchen for her on Sunday morning. But all that really matters is that she liked them.

I was in Baltimore all day on Saturday visiting with my Granny, Aunt Ganda, and Aunt Velma. We had a good time. Saturday night I went to April's for her birthday party. God how I love her macaroni salad.

I found out yesterday evening that the cookout that my cousin had for mother's day turned into a brawl. My Aunt Cathy married some alcoholic who we all think is very strange. Let's just say we were all surprised when we heard she married this man. It is number three for her. So, what I was told was that my aunt was filling out mother's day cards at her van and hubby came up yelling at her (because he is loaded at this point) and throws the van keys at her missing her and her niece by inches. Well they get into a screaming match and he is all "Fuck your family" and "Fuck you whore." Well my Aunt Velma hears all of this and goes outside to try to control the situation and he calls my Aunt Velma "A low life fucking bitch" and tells her to keep "her fucking nose out of it." Well my Aunt Velma punches him in the face and then my Aunt Cathy punches him in the face five more times for what he was saying to her sister. Then my uncle Keith comes out and hears what he is saying to his wife (Aunt Velma) and he knocks the shit out of Hubby #3 and gets a metal baseball bat out of his truck and runs after Hubby #3 and swings and luckily Hubby #3 trips and the bat misses his head. Needless to say Hubby #3 runs and no one knows where he is. Now the thing is that he is a really nice guy when he is sober but that is never the case. He found out about a week ago he has throat cancer and had signed a paper so my aunt who is his wife could not get any information about what was going on with the cancer. How fucked up is that? And, he called my aunt a whore last week and said she was no good trash. My family is far from trash believe me. Very far from trash so it is an insult to the whole family when he said this to her. Also, he called our family trash so I do not think he will be coming around to any family events soon. If anyone is trash it is him. A low life who depends on Jack Daniels to cure everything.

Doesn't that sound like the type of Mother's Day cookout you would like to attend? I thought so.

Cashing In

What a fast weekend. I spent Friday night at Gwen's house framing pictures, arranging picture groupings, and hanging pictures. I did not get home until around 1:30 a.m. When I got home I was extremely tired since I had been up since 5:00 a.m. But did I go to sleep right away? Hell no. I was up until 6:00 a.m. When I finally fell asleep I slept until 4:45 p.m. on Saturday. So it seems that I missed a day on my weekend break. How much does that suck? It sucks worse than your mother I can tell you that.

I went and saw An American Haunting on Sunday. It was a pretty good movie. It had some jump out of your seat type moments. But, when the movie concluded you sort of feel sad. From the movie I went to Rockville for some Shrimp Chow Foon and a stint at the Asian Markets.

And this is where the hilarity ensued. I had made a purchase of some Yan Yan and it only totaled $3.62. The Asian lady proceeds to yell at me and tell me that the minimum for credit cards is $10.00. I had figured this for some reason. So I tell Cheri to put her Milk Tea with my stuff as I had bought out the Milk Tea at the other market. Well that brings the total to $6.31. So I drag Cheri to pick out some more Milk Tea. We were gone for no more than 20 seconds when the Asian Cashier Lady comes running up the aisle for us yelling "You hurry...you hurry." I was like no this bitch is not yelling at us like we are about to skip out and make her have to void the transaction. She told her co-worker that we were bad customers because we should have been prepared when we got to the register with more than $10.00 worth of stuff. Little did she know but Cheri speaks Chinese. As we are leaving Cheri looks back at the lady and thanks her for her patience and for being so polite.

Milk Tea = $.69 a can
Yan Yan = $.79 a tube
Embarassing a Chinese Cashier Lady = Priceless

Conversation Station


I totally rock my people. Why is it that people think that I am super intelligent? I have people tell me this all of the time. I just don't get it. Do I really make that good of conversation? Or do people feel sorry for me so they tell me that to try to boost my confidence? Actually, I know that I am intelligent. Not to toot my own horn. I think that the way that I get my point across is what makes people believe that I am intelligent. There is no one better to bullshit with then the king of bullshitting. Yeah I know a good bit in the book smarts division and I know you know I know a lot when it comes to street smarts. I didn't grow up in the best part of Baltimore.

My friend Gwen told my mother that I am a true friend because I make excellent partner for conversation. She said that I am so versed in art, culture, and just a lot of things that other people neglect to keep knowledge of. Now when I have conversations with Gwen they are great but I have to wonder if she is just saying that because she is so high off of valium that even talking to a roll of aluminum could be great.

Oh the pressing questions that life presents.