To Trust or Not to Trust

I was on the phone with Cheri tonight. I say "on the phone with Cheri" like it is a surprise. However, we started talking about the issue of trust and the principles of trust. She talked about how she gives so much trust to people as a relationship/friendship develops until they have her full trust. She said that in order to really live you have to give your trust to people.

I on the other hand trust no one. I never have. I never will. Cheri said that this made her feel sad for me. Sad, because I could never really live until I have given away my trust fully to someone. She asked if I trusted her. And my response is "no." I told her that she does not need to take it personal because I again, trust no one. Not my family, parents, friends and especially not enemies or strangers. Cheri wondered where all this came from. The fact that I have trained myself to never trust anyone. She wondered how it is that I can tell people things that I don't want to "get out" if there is no trust there. I tell people things but when I do I always expect them to be passed on. I always have. If the person I am telling doesn't repeat it fine but I always expect it to go to at least one other person.

Now, I am questioning if what she said is true. Do I need to give my full trust to someone in order to actually have lived? Or can I continue on never trusting anyone?

I know this will probably come as a surprise to most that I don't trust you. But, it is something that you will have to deal with. Because unlike most people I don't expect trust in return. I trust no one and I expect no one to trust me. Not saying that I get all gabby and spread everyone's business because I don't. If you ask me to keep it to myself I will. I always have and will continue to do so. I don't run and tell anymore...like when I was younger. I have learned that it is best to keep things to yourself when someone gives you information and I have stuck to it.

Then, I wonder if people around me actually give their trust away? Or do they just say that they do? We are all posers in some aspect of our lives. When it comes to trust though I don't fake it because I never give it.

Now don't get me wrong if you were hanging on a cliff and I knew I could heave you up to save your life and you didn't believe me if I say "Trust me on this" that is a different situation. You never have my emotional trust. Just the trust that I won't let you die when I grab your hand. I'm not down for letting my friends and family die. But, this phrase is a loose sense of trust.

Anywho, I just got to thinking about trust and needed to write a little. I have a job interview on Wednesday for a skip tracer position for credit card fraud and on November 12th an interview with the government.

And trust me I will find your ass if you have bad credit or credit fraud...LOL.

And I give you two new pictures...

The first is the pumpkin I carved. It is supposed to be a vampire but looks more like Satan. The second is the alien slime picture. Mel seems to think I was covered in slime when it was actually water.

The Slahudge...

Just got back from the movies to see "The Grudge." Now I appreciate the shots of Japan, the use of the Japanese language, and the very minimal scary factor. What I do not appreciate is the lack of fucking story. Hello aren't movies usually driven by a plot or something? I don't know? Maybe I have mad a new discovery and the movie industry should follow that elementary outline for a story. You know the one that your teacher made you draw using a triangle missing the bottom...rising action, climax, conclusion...blah blah...blah.

However, I did get to buy The Vampire Armand. So that made up for my disappointment and the fact that Sarah Michelle Gellar still rules.

And then God created Boredom...

Not much going on lately. Actually, the only thing that is going on is me still looking for a job and partying on the weekends. During the week I am at that point to where I am looking for something to do. I have been cooking a lot lately. However, I do not eat what I cook. I make my parents dinner.

Rose is up right now. She came up on Friday and is leaving today. So for her last night here I fixed homemade chicken and dumplings. And when I say homemade I mean from scratch. And yes even the dumplings were made with flour, buttermilk, salt, butter, and a little bit of poison straight from my heart.

Everyone said that they turned out good. I wouldn't know considering I didn't eat them. Actually I only had white cheddar cheezits yesterday. I am slowly starting to really not eat anything. I like it that way. Not that I eat a whole lot anyway but the way I figure it is that the less I eat the tinier the stomach will get.

I rented Young Adam and Velvet Goldmine with Ewan Mcgregor. I have managed to watch Young Adam where Ewan just happens to do a full frontal nude seen. The movie is actually quite good. I am going to watch the other tonight after Van Helsing.

Sunday night Cheri and I went to the movies with Susanne and Kelly to see The Forgotten. Let me just say that you do not need to waste your money on this movie. I don't even think that you need to waste it on a rental. I hadn't planned on doing anything Sunday. The farthest I had went was to the store to get some cough syrup. I came home and laid down for a while and Cheri and Susanne showed up to take me to the movies. We also went to a Breast Cancer Fundraiser at Deer Park. They raised made money...around $5000 with only 50 people there. The drag show was great and I am glad that I went because my grandmother is a breast cancer survivor.

This weekend I am going to hang out with April and Adam. April asked me what I was doing this weekend and I have nothing planned so the weekend is all theirs if they want it or actually want my company.

Anywho, I'm off to look for some more jobs to apply for that I won't get. So until I write again, everyone have a great day and I hope that it is not too cold for you yet.

As I Will It So Shall It Be

I traveled a long long way today,
So far back it didn't seem like I had left.
But, how can you ever leave something like that undone?
Somehow, you know it will come around again,
Rearing its ugly fucking head in the shape of sharpness.

Dare I trespass again back to that place?
Dare I not and feel it merge with more strength?
Then you decide that you should just go with it,
I mean what else have you got to lose?
What is another drop of blood spent?

If you will it away somehow it wasn't strong enough,
But how can will be strong without will's master being equal?
Will is a burden, free will, all bullshit,
Do you ever think what drives bullshit?
That of the worm in the gound, so so weak.

As I will it so shall it be,
However, it never turns out that way.
What the fuck was the point of trying to control it?
I knew I never could and maybe never will,
But it's nice to know you can't either.

Dying to Fall

So this weekend was a blast. Cheri's employer Kraft had their annual company picnic at King's Dominion. Cheri took me. Prince took Natasha. We had a fucking blast. However, let me begin by saying that I didn't have very much strength Saturday. Actually, none of us did. Cheri, Natasha and I went out with Brent. Who by definition is so hot it is sometimes hard to look at him. We didn't get in until 4:30am Friday night. Got to bed at around 5:30am at Prince's apartment and got up to leave at 7:30am. Plus I had only gotten 2.5 hours of sleep Thursday night. Anywho, we left and got to King's Dominion at around noonish. We rode every ride possible or that was at the park. My favorite however, is the Drop Zone. Or what I like to call "Death Drop."

It is nothing but a 500 ft pole. You are taken to the top and dropped. Free falling if you will. I have to say that I have never been scared on a ride until then. That is why I got on it again. The second time I accidentally skinned my thumb on the second go around. I lost about 7 layers of skin from the lock. My hand slipped when I was getting the lock thingy off. But it was well worth it.

The feeling you get from falling is unbelievable. I wish I had my own personal Drop Zone at my house.

As for the job search I have another interview on Wednesday with GeoConcepts which is an Engineering company out of Leesburg, VA. I hope everything goes well.

Other than that not much else is going on.

April started her new job today so I hope that she enjoys it!! Congratulations again homegirl!! And I need to know if that girl still wants me to do her perm sometime soon...could you find out Ace?

Until later and when I have more going on...Peace Out...LOL!!