When the shit didn't hit the fan but everything else...

You know that I usually only write once a day if that...but there has been a huge change in events today. The shit almost hit the fan! Here we go...

My mother is in the basement...Lucky (my dog) is upstairs...I'm in bed....Dad's in bed. Lucky proceeds to shit everywhere with diaherra. Talk about gross. So after she shits everywhere she decides that it would be neat to paint or leave her shitty mark all over the house. I think that the art side of me is rubbing off on my dog because she used her tail to paint the walls and draperies as if she were the next Michaelangelo or Di Vinci. Thank God I shut my door! She got shit all over the dining room walls...the guest bedroom(my mother had to through away the pillows because they were covered in shit). But the best part of all is that when my father woke up this morning...not knowing what was going on...he stepped in dog shit! What a wake up call!!

Wise grasshoppah say dat: When you foot land in da shit firs ting in morning ecspect shitty dai!!!!!

How friggin hilarious is that? But so far as I know his day hasn't been that shitty...just rainy and wet.

I've had 14 cups of coffee in about and hour so I'm wired. Just thought I would share this dirty little story with you. Later :)~

What the FUCK?

Is it just me or am I getting tireder and tireder (<----This is a new word tire-dur) by the minute. I need some ginseng or ephendren or something. Question of the day is posted above...I'm supposed to be cleaning my room right now but I needed a break. The dusting part made me yawn and yawn. Then I laid on the bed and chilled for like 10 minutes listening to nasty worded music so the neighbors could hear it. I was looking for Khia...my neck...my back. But, to no avail it is not readily available. <----This quote sounds like something from some Shakespearean shit.

I've decided that even though I told Cyn she could possibly be the funniest person in the world that I've changed my mind. I think that I deserve that title. Or maybe it is just that I amuse myself too much when I'm alone. And no this does not mean masturbation...it means I get all these crazy thoughts in my head and crack the hell up thinking when no one is around. Like for instance when I had Baby Girl out this morning...she has the problem with obedience when it comes to digging at the carpet. Well I caught her digging up the carpet and I held her in my hand and told her no. I know this sounds crazy but I think she is starting to get it. She only digs at one corner of the wall now instead of like the whole room. So progress has been made. So anyway...my mother bought me this thing that has wheels that you don't have to put on and I didn't use them. So I figured that since I had for wheels and the rat has four legs I would make them into roller skates. Then she wouldn't be able to get around the room to eat the carpet. She could got roller skating in the kitchen. Ceramic tile is a good surface to go skating. Now do you see what I mean? Who thinks of this shit...putting video stand wheels on a rat to go roller skating. It would probably break her friggin legs. But I'm really thinking of going to Wally World and buying two pair of Barbie skates for her....I mean actual Barbie DOLL skates not Barbie toddler skates. Then my mother will have to crochet her a scarf because I'll get her ice skates too for the winter. See there I go again with that stupid shit. But I still have to wonder if it would work? You think? Let me know?

Last night I mean't April at the river to have a couple of Smirnoff ice's. So we are sitting there and:

April: We can't drink here the cops are always coming here and checking for that shit.
Me: Fuck that bullshit. Drink. (Paul opens his drink and so does April)
WHAT THE FUCK?------>As soon as we each take like two sips the cops come. They didn't do anything but it's the WHAT THE FUCK principal!!

So anyway we wind up in the Food Lion parking lot and I'm all drinking at Mike's hard lemonade 24ounce. April won't drink she was afraid that another cop would come and she can get in trouble for that shit...so I don't blame her. I finished my second drink. I was feelin' loose but not buzzed. So April gave me another ice and I finish that...then we go back to the river. I head to 7-11 to get some Boone's(<----damn this sounds so ghetto and teenage like). But this Boone's is really good (Snowberry Creek or something like that). I finished the first bottle before I met back with April. I was bad I know it. I was literally drinking and driving at the same time. Aunt Ganda if you say anything I know it's you!! I mean I wasn't drunk...okay there's no excuse. It won't happen again...until next time....just joking. When I finally got home I had a buzz but it was small. I fell asleep. And now I've got to go finish cleaning and probably fall back to sleep. I need soda to get some energy but diets only allow the NON-WAKE-YOU-UP kind of soda! I'm going to get some coffee. Later alligator!!

Tent of Imagination

So my father bought this big tent to go on the back porch so we could eat dinner out there without rain, heat, and bugs. It has become the tent of imagination since I do nothing but sit at home all day and night. Rose, my really for real crazy aunt said that it seemed we were in Egypt and that she could hear camels coming to pick her up. April said now all Rose needs is a turbin and to desert boys to fan her. And the cigarette ashes on the table have now become the sand in the desert that rose and I have been staying in all day for the hell of it.

I think tomorow it will be a fashion show tent and Rose and I will change outfits and bust through the curtains that surround the damn thing (it is a fucking damn thing since it took forever and five days to put up). We will be like the models in "Head over Heels" the movie but more spectacular. We have fun dreaming up new adventures to where the tent is taking us.

Kee-mo-sa-bee says: To infinity and beyond. May your tent stay with you and Rose and adventures be ah' plenty.

This tent is taking over our lives. It's just one of those crazy things. Tents+two fucking crazy ass people=adventures of those who seem like they are on crack but are not.

Later ya'll....more details about our adventures if they happen!

Love ya'll....Paul

The Amazing Cyn

I really cannot express how muh Cyn's website seems to perk my day up. To me she is one of the funniest people that I've ever not met but may meet this summer. Haven't heard from her though because she's in Oberlin. I read my dad the thing about Buffy Spoiler and he for once laughed his ass off. Thank God for you Cyn...you actually got a laugh out of my father. If anyone reads this who doesn't know where this website is...it's www.pinkhairedgirl.com ! It is kick ass!

If I were a balloon I would be high

Yes that's right...I would be high if I were a balloon. Coming off these damned painkillers is like trying not to eat the piece of Cheesecake Factory cheesecake from Ruby Tuesday's. Oh the torture. But I'm doing really good. I'm down from like 8 a day to like 3-4. My back was swollen last night so I took 2 instead of 1. I think I did too much yesterday. I mean come on I got out of bed...went to Bonton and spent $120 on clothes, Nautica visors, and CK Undergarments and then went to April's work and sat and then took Amanda her graduation present. I got her a 14k gold white cat and gold cat that are holding paws charm and a 14k gold necklace. Let's just say the credit card is off limits as of right now. Between myself and the gift I spent about $220. So tolerance Kee-mo-sa-be is the new phrase. But I can only charge stuff because I only have like 20 bucks in the bank...This will be quite the feat.

Whoa Momma...where did you learn to shop like that?

My mother was the shock and amazment of yesterday. She went to Bonton for a bra. Two boulder holders. Two Keepumfromflappin. But NO. Momma must of listened to you better shop around before she went into the store.

She tells me before entering the store "Remember only let me buy a bra."
I'm like: "Yeah..you're telling the person with no self control for shopping. Come on I bought a stuffed animal that laughs the other day just for shits and giggles and I have no money as it is."

So we are in the shoe department and she spots them. A pair of sandals that are wonderful and of course I'm all like..."Those look really good on you I think you should get them in the tan and possibly the black." But then I start pointing out other shoes. She tried on like 9 pair but only bought the one. I have this think for women's shoes. Not that I want to wear them it's just that I think they are niftier than sneakers. Plus they come in so many shapes and sizes! Oh the temptation to have had her buy two pair of shoes.

So then we move on to the men's department. I'm like Father's Day!! She's all let me pick out everything. She picks out four tops for my father for the summer. She paid for two and I the other. But she was persistent that she pick them out. Damn...I had to buy shit that I didn't even have a say in. She was all Evil Chinese Judge like: My verdit is you will buy everyting you see he you bad whi boi! Oh-K. Dat is wha' I thaw whi boi you do as ah big ah momma say! And of couse I obey.

So then I go get two new pair of my CK's! And I spot sunglasses. I'm trying them on and she is all like they are crooked. I think my nose is deformed. So I start looking at visors. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't do hats, or visors. My mom comes over and is all like "Oh that is a nice visor. BUY IT! BUY TWO OF THEM!" I do. So now I'm learning how to wear visors...not that you need an instruction manual. Then we are walking toward the bra's which we orignally came for. Amanda's grad gift and two bras. And I see two southpole tops. I'm debating in my head. I don't want to show interest because I know she was in one of those Hollywood Starlet modes where money is just trading dirty paper for fabulous goods. She can see in my eye the interest. She is all like..."I know you want them...I'll buy you one...GET IT! I wind up buying two and paying for both...how the hell did that happen? Mothers!

So the end of this story we get to the bra section and they only have one 38DD to fit her big ol' boobs. And we check out. Great right? She spends like $200 and me like $220. Wonderful we are leaving the store and I'm like "Dad is going to kill us...he knows when we come to the Bonton we always get in trouble."

Here is the best part. Yesterday if you were a Marquis Member(which it states on your card you got an extra 20% off) plus everything was like 25-50% off. My mother and I used to be Marquis Members. They sent new cards but we through those away and kept the ones that said we were Marquis members. So we got an extra 20% off everthing when we really weren't supposed to. Is that stealing from the company...Oh well!

So here is the bestest part and the moral of the story. My mother says after I inform her of Daddy Drama! I have to bold this because I love her theory...oh and she bought a ruby bracelet.

"JUST THINK I CAME HERE FOR TWO BRA'S AND THEY ONLY HAD ONE. ALSO WE CHEATED AND GOT THE 20% DISCOUNT. SO WE SAVED MONEY AND I HAD TO FIND SOMETHING TO REPLACE THE BRA THEY DIDN'T HAVE FOR ME. I'LL TELL YOUR FATHER I COULDN'T HELP IT BERT...ONE BRA WAS JUST NOT ENOUGH I HAD TO REPLACE IT WITH SOMETHING...I MEAN SOME THINGS...AND BESIDES I WORK TO DAMN HARD TO HEAR YOUR MOUTH...SHUT UP YOU GOT CLOTHES OUT OF IT...AND IF HE TRIES TO SAY ANYTHING TOO LATE WE ALREADY HAVE THE GOODS AND THE RECEIPTS...HE CAN'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT BECAUSE I HAVE THE CARD AND RECEIPTS AND HE DOESN'T....BRING IT ON BIG POPPA!"

I'm totally for real. But knowing that I'm not working now I'm trying to think of what my excuse could be but so far he has seemed obilivious to my shopping spree on his dollar since my parents are paying my bills until I go back to work in June. Thanks Dad for the indirect Christmas present/Birthday present. I have a feeling Santa is going to be sparse with presents this year...Nah!

Remember Me?

Well it has been like over a week and I am finally able to make it into the basement to use the computer. Oh what joy!! I got an email today from Cyn in Philly...she has her own blog... www.pinkhairedgirl.com ! It is absolutely fabulous. She said that she would love to meet April and I. I hoping to get Tricia from work to go with us since she is the one who got me hooked on the website.

My back surgery went well. Except for the muscle spasms that happened that night and the following day. They had to give me something that is ten times stronger than morophine. I don't remember much because they said that it would block out my memory. That's a good that. I want to say thank you to all the people who responded to my previous blog. I know that I didn't get to mention everyone but remember that just because I didn't mention you by name doesn't mean that I don't love you.

Tasha!! I hope we get to see each other again! I would love to do lunch or something. Girl you made me happier than you know. You are crazy girl and please don't think that I don't think or want to see you again because that is the opposite. I would love to do lunch when I get some money. I only have 55 dollars left compared to the 2 grand I usually keep in the checking account. Surgery is not only expensive but it wears out what little bit of money I did have saved up. But who cares as long as I better.

Erin! You know I still gots love for ya! Never think other wise. And yes when I read the comment Fam I Ly! I almost pissed myself. Ha..ha..that was at Thanksgiving about two years ago! That was one of the funniest things that I have ever witnessed in my life. I love and miss you!

And just to wrap this blog up because I can't sit down that long in this chair...I have to lay down for like 30 min. then stand for like 10 and on and on and on and on! I just wanted to say that the Terrerium of Terror is doing wonderful and that it hasn't managed to eat me yet....and I haven't shaved in almost two weeks! I look like Sasquash! Big foot whatever! Later to all my people!!

Loves Ya all!

Paul

Minnie.......Minnie Ripperton

Do you know who this is? Probably not...unless you know me. This is the hooch who sung...."Loving You...is easy cuz you're beautiful." I can't get the fuckin song out of my head and I haven't played it since last weekend for my aunt and to torture my father. He really hates this song...when I bought Minnie Ripperton's greatest hits I made sure that it was the first to hit the cd player on the way back from Best Buy....my father was in the car and I blared the song....he yelled at me and told me that it needed to be turned down or off because I shattered his ear drums(<-----is ear drum one word or two?). I hope this isn't the song I'm thinking of when I go to surgery could you imagine what that dream would be like when you go under? Flower, bunnies, rainbows, an earth shattering high pitched diva breaking bottles, windows, and champagne glasses spontaneously throughout the dream. Ugh. I want to go under thinking of like "I see booty" or "Back that thing up." That way I can be at the club with my friends in the dream. But on second thought if I hear something like that and I'm all dreaming of what they say it could lead to arousal on the operation table. That is like the worst possible thing that could happen. But I'd never know unless the nurse showed up in my room after surgery for some "Sexual Healin." Today is like the add song titles to every sentence because it makes them seem more "Bootylicious." You see what I mean...."A'ight"(<----the thing they yell in the Macarena).

What I have to say...

So I'm driving and I like what if something happens during the surgery and I never get to see my friends and families faces again? Well for those of you who read this I want to send some little shout outs and you can pass them along if you want just so people know that I do think of them.

April

The song title that comes to mind for you is "You are my sunshine." Don't even ask. You make me laugh more than anyone else has ever done or ever will do. Our little Lucy and Desi spats (which are all fun) seem to be getting more intense everyday but damn most of the stupid shit we say to each other could be put on Tee shirts and you know this. You make me happy. You make me laugh. You make me love to have someone around even when I don't want them to be there. You are my sunshine...especially when I'm depressed but you some how bring me through the rain. We never say this to each other but maybe in the "Be careful getting home" everynight but do know that I truly love you being my friend.

Amanda

Turn your desks to face the person sitting next to you. This is your new buddy. That is always what comes to mind when I think of you. That first day in Phillips class. Who would have known that he would have made two totally similar personalities bond that day and now five years down the road they are still bonded. You, Amanda are my twin...since we are both Gemini's. I think that we have found each other while most other Gemini's spend forever searching for that balance to their personality. We compliment each other with stupidities and sarcasm. You too make me laugh the living hell out of myself. Whether it me Product Patrol or Carcus Control we are always ready to have a good time. I'm really proud of you dealing with school and now having a baby!! I'm really excited because I get to see this baby from the get go. Loves Ya!

Constance and Sarah

While we aren't even as close as we used to be I do truly miss you both. I know that you are doing well. Desi told me that you are both doing really well and I'm so glad to hear that. And for all the times that I didn't say it Constance I do miss you. I know that it doesn't do much justice now but hey at least you know. Constance you are too cute...the thing I love about you is the way you love to take care of people. No matter what they, I mean I did to you. I could have stabbed you and damnit you would still be there for me....you truly are blessed with the notion of nurturing. Sarah, girl you are so much crazier than I thought. You bring out the bad side of me...the sexual side. And for that, I'm really glad because I don't get to see it that often. You make people relax and have a good time and just chill..!!! I love you both like my little sisters and you know this!!

Desi

Even though you told me not to write about you anymore in my journal wether good or bad I going to break the rule this time. The song that I think of when I think of you is "At Last." I know this is your wedding song....well I'd love to be the one on the other side of your arms when you dance to this. Hint...hint. I know you probably know that I have feelings for you that you cannot return because you aren't into me like that but, it's still nice to know that I have you as a friend. You are so beautiful to me. I don't know why. To this day the first time I saw you I know my heart skipped a beat...and how long ago was this...when I worked at AB&C before I got fired the first time. You make me laugh, work hard, enjoy work, mad, sometimes sad...but it doesn't matter because your friendship is well worth it and I know that half the time it's not me it's just frustration. Don't let people hold you back because you are an asset to this world even though others are trying to discourage you. Much love to you from the very core of my guarded heart.

Susan

"Keep your nose clean." That should be a song because that is what you do for me and I so appreciate it. You keep me in line and have faith in me no matter what I do. You always tell me that I can do it. Unless it's something that wouldn't keep my nose clean. You are wonderful. Probably one of the few people who know me better than my family. You are CRAZY...but in a good way. You make work so much fun for us! You don't even know. I love you just like a big sister who is watching out for her little brother. "Oh my god Paul take me to your house and fix my hair. What the fuck did she do to me?" That was one of the funniest things ever! You know what I'm taking about! It's something that I think of all the time about you...what a big step that was! At least you have something from me that you will have forever...the tat! "Love Ya Babe"(<-----one of your favorite things to say to me on the phone...back at ya).

Samantha

I feel like we are in the movie "Clash of the Titans" most of the time. Lord do we butt heads. But it's so funny how none of that matters at the end of the day. And we just go back to joking around. You make my blood pressure boil girl! But it's so worth it...who else would I argue with and then turn around and shoot a rubberband at! I mean come on. The thing that I enjoy about you is that you have stories upon stories and it's almost like damn this girl needs to write a book just about her mother. Your stories are hilarious and you keep me laughing. It's been almost three years of laughter. Keep them stories comin' girl!

Ms. Pat

"The only rule is...is that you can't say fish!!" Damnit...I was the one frying the shit! So I should have been given another chance. You know? Woman you are my grandmother that I lease out to other families. You have made me laugh to I've almost pissed myself...remember the time I even choked and had to leave the call center because I was laughing so hard that I almost passed out in the hallway! "He had his legs removed from the knees up!" You give me so much support and tell me to basically say "Fuck it" when things go shitty. Lord what I wouldn't give to have known you in your 20's! We would have made some crazy music around town! I love ya Ms. Pat like you were my very own Grandmother!!

Tricia

I owe this blog to you. I never really show much emotion when it comes to not being funny. You introduced me to blog! and I am so greatful. Without it I don't know what I would do. You are so quirky, hilarious, and relaxed. You remind me of my Aunt Ganda! And that does say something because not many people live up to her personality. Remember this..."Oh my god she had the worst headache of ever so I was all like I'm ACD Coordinator on the weekends...I let her go home." What fun was that one! I felt like it came out of a Lucy and Desi show! Plot well and everything will be okay said the wise grass hopper!!

Angel

Maybe one day we will be rich off of the fat bank idea! Who knows? You are my Rice Patty Yellow Spice Girl from C Town! I am telling you what sometimes you make me want to have an ethnic change surgery and become Asian! I know that sounds stupid but you make me crack the fuck up with "Lil Chinese Asian Girl..." starting out most of our conversations. Even though you have been stressed out beyond belief you still keep a positive outlook on things and I think that I'm slowly but surely starting to adapt that part of your character into my own. And for that I thank you.

Laura

If there had to be a song for you make a guess what what it would be? (<---"make a guess what" is a shout out to April's late Uncle Gene.) BOOTYLICIOUS! or BACK THAT THANG UP! Girl where in the hell did you get Jennifer Lopez's gene's from? Let me know. Again I have to say that we have butted heads many many many times but in the end it's all over an done with and I got to see a side of you (not your backside) at Janetta's party that night at the track the made me realize you aren't the "evil supervisor" but a fun loving person that I truly adore.

Mom and Dad

Even though I know you don't read this I still have to include you. I mean you did bring me into this world by emaculate conception! Even though I see like a bad ass, temper driven person most of the time I do love you both more than life itself. I'm just fickle when it comes to my temper. If changes from minute to minute. To Mom: You are so so strong. You have been through hell and back but there is still happiness in your voice. Not many people can say that they have a mother that is as strong as you but I do. To Dad: Remember, I do love you!! I know that you want to hear that more often and it always seems like..."he doesn't love me." But I do! I'm just that type of person who can't show "love." I'm better at showing friendship and stupidity. Never think that I don't love you because that is utter bullshit!(<----he is going to yell or kill me for cussing...even though it's typed and not vocalized).

Granny

You will never ever know how much you mean to me. You are my world. The only person that I cry for when writing about. I have so much love for you that it sometimes makes me just dread ever to know that one day you won't be here anymore. I know people say that "they are off in a better place." But for me your better place is here...wether in Baltimore or Harpers Ferry. You above all people I know have been through so much in one lifetime that most people would have never made it. But you held on and I have you. I wish I could keep you forever even though I know that you will watch over me no matter where you are. I love knowing that when I come to your house that there is always a story to be told or some hell to raise! It makes you one of the funniest people that I know. You show me so much love in the little things that you say and do for me when I come to visit that it is enough love to last me the rest of my life. I love you Granny.

Pop Pop

"GD...son of a bitchin..bastard ass shit!" If you have never met my Grandfather this is what primarily is his vocabulary. He is such a Grumpy old man! I think that movie was made after him. The thing I love about you is that you don't give a damn! You remind me of Rhett Butler...."Frankly my dear I don't give a damn." You are set in your ways and that is that...there is nothing that will ever change that. But more so I respect you because you finally learned that some of the things you do hurt me and when I come around now you are more about having a good time and just talking...not pushing your opinions on me. I love you for that!

To every other friend and Family member because my hands are getting tired and this blog is way too long and I've got to go

You all make me who I am. Wether some of you see that as a bad person or a wonderful person it doesn't matter. My whole being is made up of little snipets of your personalities. I look for them. Always look for who I've become to mimic. I am who I am not only because of my own personal thoughts and ideals but because I've been influenced by some of the craziest, backstabbing, loving, caring, hilarious, and unforgettable people in the world. I personally don't think that many people realize what debt is owed to those around them. The debt is life...they are what keeps you going. They are what makes you the person you turn out to be...not fully but they inspire you subconsciously. They are what some take for granted or what some choose to abuse. But for me they (friends and family) and what keep my world afloat.

So I know this is all heart felt and shit but I don't care. I'm glad that I have the opportunity to leave my mark for the moment on the internet. It will always be here for those I cherish! So this blog is just to let you all know how much I really care for you incase something should ever happen to me. Wether in surgery or thiry years down the road....it is here!

With much love from the one above....

Paul

P.S. And for those of you who would have thought I would have left Aaliyah out! Don't even go there! She is my artistic influence and the voice that makes me know my angel was once on earth but watching over all of us in Heaven. One love baby girl!!

The Gift

Oh my God I just realized that the title I put down to write about something totally different is the movie I've been trying to think of the title of. I know this probably doesn't make sense but whatever. So I'm half asleep this morning and guess what? My parents wake me up and they are all like:

Mom and Dad: "Hey look at what we bought you!!"
Me(in my head): "This better be some good shit because I was steady sleepin!"
Action movements: I roll over and look and can barely see.
Me: "What in the hell is that?"
Mom: "It's a venus fly trap that you can watch after having surgery!"

Okay, did I just huff on some glue or is this like the weirdest present of ever. After having my second back surgery all I can think about is watching a damn plant eat bugs! I don't even like bugs...which is a good thing that it eats them but damn! But I also have this fear that I'm going to be all debilatated(<----leave comments if you know how to spell this word right!!) and the plant is going to grow gynormously and then want to eat me and I'll be like the person in the fly....all "Help me...help me!!" and I'll be eaten! But I know that it won't happen but it's nice to think that it could. Did I just write that? Of course! So that is the gift of the day! And another thing before I let the plant off the vine...ha..ha...is that it's not even a real venus fly trap from the amazon it's called "Little Pot of Terrors" and it's grown from plant tissue. OH MY GOD! What is this world coming too when a person can't even get a genuine Venus Fly Trap...the one you have to get is all the generic brand of venus fly traps! Ugh. Cheap people!!

I'm so crazy...I think Amanda's havin' my baby!! Later ya'll

They are evil

April and Amanda!! They are evil little troll whores. Ugh! But you can't be mad at your bestfriends. Especially when one is supposedly going to a FAT FARM and the other is EXPECTORATING.