The stone cold facts
Hmm...hmm...hmm. So this one time I was writing on my journal and I figured I was going to tell the people that I work with how I truly felt about them and I did but then erased it because I felt a nice wave come over me. Well I was going to do that again tonight but I'm better than that. Now don't get me wrong not all was bad. I really enjoy working with 90% of the people that I call my co-workers/friends. Don't make assumptions and think you are on the bad list because you probably aren't. If you suspect you are on the good list you probably aren't.
I don't exactly hate my job. I just can't stand to go. I really loved my job when I was working ACD on the weekends which miracously is gone. Who would have thought that. Me! I just think the politics and power trips that people have at the Alphabet Group is ridiculous. I'm not mentioning any names I'm just venting because I think that everything is going to work out okay.
(*Note: Remember if you have access to this site it is not to leave the site and go to work with you...these are just my personal thoughts and ways of venting when I'm frustrated...bring it to work and bring home the unemployment check...this is not a threat...think of it more as a promise that the government will uphold for me...I've done the research on this okay...okay)
I know that the people that I'm dealing with are doing their damndest to help me. And I honestly appreciate the effort more than the result because other people would just say oh well and move on.
My time
This is my time to not be weak and take the back seat. When you have dealt with two back surgeries over two summers and having to leave college then come and talk to me. When you think you are having a bad day come to me and take a walk in my shoes...even though they wreak right now. If you are willing to be in constant pain and not be able to feel the lower part of your right leg then be the frog and leap. When you think that your parents are going to get a divorce because of you and you think it's true take over. This whole thing, situation, drama is because for once in two years I can finally spend time with my parents and friends but as of yet it is being denied. There is nothing worse than thinking everything is going wonderfully for once and then have it burst into shattered glass that can't be repaired. I haven't caught a break with my health and emotions in over three years and now it's my time to enjoy life for once. People say that it is "their time to shine" but I just want a couple of days of "my time to appreciate." Appreciate what I have been missing out on for three years and take every moment as if it will never happen again.
I'm not bitter or going to go psycho. I just want this moment...this time to enjoy life again. When you deal with the issue of suicide for three years and you are in and out of depression for three years don't you think it's time for a break when you actually can say "I feel like a new person today." You should not have to answer to what others think because deep down inside you know that what you are holding out for will make all those years of "dealing" disappear for a split second.
I would gladly give you the opportunity to take the walk if it could happen but I can't. I don't regret for a single second thinking of suicide or being depressed because now I've grown and reached a different plateau. A lot of people of reservations about me. Whatever they are you have to look past my wonderful ability to be hilarious and realize that I can do what you are asking of me. I've reformed myself so much at times that I didn't even know who I was and now I'm back to the me that I remember in high school. If you can't take a joke or a goofy moment then you are the one that is dead inside. I know that there is a time and a place to act professional and so on but if you play your cards right and let a little bit of that humor you have bottled up inside you escape I guarantee that people with enjoy you more. Like I've said many times...I think that God has given me the gift to make that storm over other people's heads go away with my witty personality and fast comebacks. It used to be that I would be so depressed that I thought "it could all end" but still I made the other people around me feel good about themselves while I was slowly falling apart inside. I'm not saying I am better than anyone...but I am saying to not take me for granted (that's a little vain but who cares) because I know that I've brought bad times however, balance the good times, laughing, and the warm feeling that while everything isn't okay for that 10 seconds you forgot about it and you'll see that you have more of me with you that is good. Friends have taken me for granted in the past (high school) and you know they have lost out. That's why they are drug addicts and who knows what now. I'm not saying that I have the power to change someone's future but I know that I can help keep it on the right track. Summer is a perfect example. I gave her my heart, mind, soul and anything she wanted and I was left behind...but, who is doing better now? I'll never do that again...ever for anyone. I can give you my love but never my heart. It is dormant, empty and is guarded by the brickwall that was put there five years ago. So just let it be known that if you ever need help or need someone to talk to I'm here. Regardless, unjudging, and open minded.
I hope that when I do die that God gives my family and friend's children the piece of me that is still human. And that piece is...the ability to show others bliss if only for one beat of their heart.
Touche...
Paul
