Memoirs of a Gay Boy



*Note: The above picture is me. Do not be fooled that Tyra Banks and I sort of look like. And the "V" topped pole that I am carrying was such a stupid prop. I tried to reason with Victoria's but they made me use it anyway.

I remember very little of my childhood. I am not sure if it is because something happened when I was a child or what. But, I only have maybe a hand full of memories that I remember without having to be told the stories. The clearest memory that I have of being a child is the one in which I always practiced being a super model. I thought that I would grow up to model clothing, jewelry, that cute Victoria's Secret nighty I saw in a window display, or model a hot guy. Here is the memory.

I would gather different sheets and materials as my wardrobe. I would put them into my closet and get dressed in the closet because it was my backstage. But, before I got ready for my catwalk I would get a window fan and attach a sheet to the back of it so that it blew in the air like some glamorous effect. I mean it is not like I had a fog machine at the age of eleven or a crew that could throw pink glitter sparkles from the ceiling as I made my big entrance sporting the couture of 250 thread count or sleepy chic as I like to call it. Well after my catwalk and special effects were set up I would prepare an outfit behind the closed closet doors. Not to get away from the point too much but I spent a lot of time in a closet, literally. Then I would knock the closet doors open and do my signature "Tyra meets Naomi meets Twiggy meets Tyson (the model not the chicken) meets Paul" walk. It would be utterly fabulous. I would do my pose at the end of my made catwalk and then go back in the closet (Jesus am I the meaning of irony) and perform this over and over again. I would perform it until my mother would burst in the room and tell me I was going to catch the house on fire by having the sheet over the fan. Then my show would end.

It was so much fun being a growing girl. I really miss being that little princess that could make a fan and some sheets into a world of fashion. Now if I could only get my mother to stop hiding the fan from me. You can take the fan away from the girl but you can never take the girl away from her catwalk.

Jealousy

What is the problem with a gay man having "girl" friends. I find that the boyfriend of the "girl" friend becomes jealous of the "gay" friend. Do we permeate some hormone that says "I am gay but secretly I want to fuck your girlfriend so be advised?" I have experienced this with several of my "girl" friends. I just do not get it. If I were interested in women I would try to be with one. If you think that I am scheming on your girl you are wrong I am really scheming on how to convert your dumb straight ass.

The Problem At Hand

I do not mind working. Honestly, I don't. Well I am almost sure I don't mind it. But, I do find that there are certain tasks that I do not enjoy. Showing up on time is one of them. I am working on that now. I was two whole minutes early to work today. And yes I do plan to note that on my timesheet. The biggest chore for me would be filing. I hate it. I think that the world would be a better place if it just stopped filing. Who cares if you don't have a copy of a purchase order from 1879? I mean I couldn't give a damn and the company I work for shouldn't either. I mean how many instances are there when you really need a copy of something to evade the IRS or that hooker that you banged in your 1979 Pinto and decided to sue for child support for the precious gift she birthed...Little Ray Ray? Exactly. It only happens once in a lifetime. So you see my point. At least you better because this rant does not have options. And it doesn't welcome any opposing opinions so keep them filed away in your mouth. Each day I have filing to do and I have not done it since Friday. So that is tree days of filing I have managed to save for a rainy day. Would it be a bad thing if it fell in my trash can and got escorted to our local landfill? Would I feel guilty? Would the filing trollwhores that I work with suspect my involvement?

And the answers to these burning questions are as follows:

Question 1: Our landfills are getting overwhelmed so I will just burn them.

Question 2: No. Not feelin an ounce of guilt.

Question 3: There is a chance but these ghastly beings rarely come out of their caves. And if I threw them a Snawsauge they would be fooled.

So, it comes down to the age old question: What outfit will go with my file burning extravaganza?

Your Village Called Asshole

My day started out pretty good. Granted my night was not that enjoyable considering I could not sleep due to me getting a muscle spasm about every hour in my leg. But, I survived and managed to get up on time for work and to get to work on err...let's just say by my standards on time. (*Meaning that I was five...um...okay okay ten fucking minutes late.) Damn it I just can't lie to you. I even remembered to bring my iPod charger to work so that I do not have to listen to Smooth Jazz 105.9. I was thinking you are on a roll today. Up early, dressed, smelling good, the hair could use a little help but it's not like I work with a bunch of beauty queens, car has gas, charger in hand, lunch in hand, cock in hand...(my bad that was yesterday). So as you can see I was headed toward a Strawberry Whorecake kind of day. All roses, hearts, pink glitter sparkles, and hot gay action...(yeah that was yesterday too).

Then I get to work on time and things are running smoothly. I talk to some people. Have a few laughs and get prepared for the day. I talk to Cheri because her mom just left to go back to Taiwan for a month and we start discussing our voyage to Taiwan this year. Then the phone call comes.

I will not go into the whole conversation. Let's just say that I did my part and the company did not do theirs. I am told that a fax did not make it to this company because their fax was out of paper. Is that my fault? Oh I'm sorry I am totally going to talk about the conversation details. Scratch the second sentence. So, I am asked to re-fax the papers over that are needed. No problem "supposedly certified office worker fax whore." I'm right on it. Actually I would be right on your neck with a rusty spoon if I had it my way for all the confusion and arguing you put me through this morning. So, I proceed to re-fax the papers to "supposedly certified office worker fax whore" and it goes through! Yay! All is good. Then the second phone call comes. Oh shit dejavu. Or was that a mini stroke?

SCOWFW: "Could you re-fax that one more time our fax machine jammed?"

Internal Sensai: "Breath. You are so above this. You are over it. You can kill her when you go to their office on Friday. Jam her hair into the fax machine and push send. No to suspicious. Jam her hands into the fax machine. Priceless. Then she can never dial the phone again."

I play jolly and send it. But, the point of the whole fucking story is that I hate when idiots fuck up my natural high for the day. Now, I am frustrated and pissy. I just can't let it go. I know she did it for spite that evil fax whore. Revenge will be mine.

Oh someone else just had a run in with diaster. My boss! He is pissed. I guess my ability to transfer things mentally isn't just my own bit of make believe.

I have a super power now! Yippy!

Very Vigorous Voyage

This obviously has something to do with the letter "V" and I really hope that you caught on to this before you read this sentence. If not, now you know. I spent the weekend with Cheri and managed to see two movies. One being not so good and the other making up for the first. Saturday we made the trek to Frederick to see "Stay Alive" which if the movie would have contained more of a back story/better plot it actually would have made a decent cinematic experience. The fact that they tried to base the movie's villian on the real life Blood Countess just dumb founded me. Hello? The Blood Countess killed vigins and bathed in their blood because she thought it would keep her young forever but that happened in like 1500 or some really time long long ago. The Blood Countess in this movie killed all the girls at her dormitory in like 1800 or something. How did this bitch find out about video games? My point exactly. Plus the fact that all the "scary" dead girls and the Countess herself were CGI really ruined it. The only good that can come from this movie is if they actually come out with the game for PS2. Because the graphics for a video game and the premiss would be awesome. I am looking forward.

Cheri and I had much better luck with V for Vendetta. I am in love with this movie right now. It surprised me that the story had so much to do with how the government is secretly plotting to kill us "bi-homo-lesbo-sexuals" and that they will kill thousands to prove their point. Whatever it takes. Because as we all know the world is going to hell is a Prada handbag thanks to us homos. The current President or evil world leaders have nothing to do with it. Nothing. But I digress. When will we get our first woman president? She is seriously needed.

So all in all my weekend was wonderfoil. Cheri even bought me a shirt. And here It is. Love it. Live with it. Because Brokeback is in the motherfuckin house. Oh yeah and I'm wearing it right now at work.

Could I Be More Pathetic

As we all know I am a huge movie fan. I have over 700 in my collection now. I am a movie whore. If you want any services rendered by me all you have to do is give me a movie. I am a cheap whore. Unless, I want a boxed set. Then the standard is raised and so is the price. I am that whore that you buy that is walking down the street and she only has one spiked fuck me pump on because she left the other one with her last trick as he has a foot fetish. My parents had rented a movie called "Half Light" starring the wonderful Demi Moore. Now I had never heard of this movie before. It did not even come to theatres. Now I am thinking that it is going to be some horrible independent film that I am so accustomed to when watching independent films. So I figured I would give it a try and see how things played out. It scared the living shit out of me. I was scared like a queer at a Jerry Falwell convention. But, I do have to admit that I scare easily. The whole children dying and coming back from the grave thing has always bothered me. I mean "Godsend" even sent me home with the wiggins. I really do not enjoy children being put into scary movies. There is something about them that makes me want to scream like a little girl and throw the covers over myself. I really do recommend the movie though. I can't help it that I am so pathetic that I have to leave a light on all night after watching a movie about a ghost child that sort of looks like he is special needs before death and his dumb ass drops his toy in the river and goes in to get it knowing damn well his little ray ray lookin ass can't swim. And, to top it all off little ray ray is right next to the ledge that is not even a quarter of an inch high and still drowns. Hello!

Rant over.

And All That Jazz

Remember yesterday when I was excited to have the channels HBO, Showtime, and Cinemax? Well I had them on Tuesday. And as of last night I do not have them. You have to pay extra for them so I had them for one day and shablam they are gone. Like a guys virginity in a New York alley. I have no idea why Adelphia wanted to crush my television viewing pleasure? Did I do something to deserve this? Did my parents not pay the cable bill? What? Was it because I was talking about a baldheaded pink saran wrap wearing dead girl yesterday who was murdered when I was in high school? You tell me because at this point in time I am totally clueless. As if! You know if you are going to be an Indian Giver Adelphia do it to someone who totally doesn't deserve cable channels. I was deprived as a youth not having "the fancy channels." I mean yeah I did get them for like a year when my father bought stolen cable tubes that you hooked on the back of your television and you got "the fancy channels" for free but that is way not the point. And now I'm being told that I have to pay extra for different packages that you offer when it comes to "the fancy channels?" You can't be serious? Well to hell with those channels. I don't need them in my life. I mean they are probably like liquid crack to the viewing population and I would never get anything done. I mean I have a routine anyway. At 4 p.m. it is Trading Spaces, 5 p.m. While You Were Out, 6 p.m. Golden Girls, and after that it is fly by the seat of my pants.

Enough bitching.

Hey Cuteness



I am really freaking out about these puppies. They are the cutest thing to come up on the internet in a long time. I really would love to be able to get a friend for my precious Amelia. And one of these would be perfect. Actually, both would be perfect to add to the Paul's Chihuahua Fund. Someone please buy me them. I am not asking for much. Really.

My father decided that we needed to go to digital cable. I picked up the boxes on Monday afternoon and he installed them yesterday. Now I know that it does not take a rocket scientist to operate a television but this whole digital cable is just too much. I am terrified at the fact that you have porn right there. It can be ordered 24 hours a day. I am not afraid of porn however I am afraid that I will hit a random button on this torture device they call a remote controller and blam...bumping nasties on the screen for a low price of $14.95. I think I am going to try to program it so that it cannot be ordered. Like parental control. I mean I am not even interested in the porn they have to order. It actually has women in it if you can believe that. Who wants to see vaginas? Not me. I did however program my favorite channels but have yet to figure out what that does. I programmed Lifetime, MTV, Vh1, and Disney Channel. When I hit the FAV button on the t.d. it does nothing. I was expecting something but I got nothing. I do have HBhoe, Skinamax, and Hoetime now. I have never had these channels and I must say I am excited to be able to watch movies that have been out for the past 30 years. And hopefully some repeats of QAF. I just bought season one on DVD. The cable company makes digital cable out to be like some fantastic adventure. Well I will pass because all it has done is made watching television a chore.

Lawd help me!

Moving Too Fast

I had a great weekend in Baltimore this weekend with my grandmother. She is a hoot. If hoot can describe said Granny. That woman is a shopaholic. She is the only woman I know that has enough curtains to dress the Von Trapp children and the Ming Dynasty and still have material left over to sew dog collars for the 101 Dalmations. Needless to say she added more curtains to her collection. Actually the tune of $150 worth of curtains to her collection. For two windows. I can think of a lot of other things to buy for $150. Like speakers for my iPod, a down payment on my next Louis Vuitton item, a rent-a-slut, or the medicine to get rid of the STD I catch from the rent-a-slut.

I must admit though that I did have an obsession for shower curtains at one time. I had over 50 of them with the matching towels and rugs. I decorated my bathroom continuously for about three years. Then I found another addiction that took all my money. Luckily, my new bathroom does not require shower curtains so I can't go back to that addiction. Flowers, stripes, dots, butterflies, it did not matter I had a shower curtain for every taste. It was sad. But it made me happy to entertain people as they used my bathroom. I mean could you imagine having to wipe your ass next to a vinyl shower curtain? Oh the thought just makes me cringe.

Memories. Oh what fun they bring.

It will only take a minute...I swear!

I am officially the world's most tired person this morning. Laying in bed this morning I thought to myself "Just give me one more minute and I'll get up. I will even have energy." It is weird but every night I wake up at 3:00 a.m. Every morning around this time I wake up and do not know why. It is like my brain has decided that I have to wake up to look at the alarm clock. From this point I fall back to sleep and wake up and hour later. Fall back to sleep and wake up 20 minutes before I have to get up and pray that I can fall asleep for 15 more minutes. All I know is that it is annoying. I wish that I did not wake up so much during the night. When I wake up if I start to think about anything...shopping, money, world peach, how much I would like to be the next Miss America...I cannot go back to sleep. My mind becomes obsessed with whatever I start thinking about. The real problem happens when I start thinking of song lyrics. I run the lyrics over and over in my head to different beats in different voices. It is like I become a studio and Remix Master P Funk. It drives me insane. Does anyone have a suggestion on how to get a full night's sleep that doesn't involve getting shitfaced and passing out?

Send Em' Out

Yesterday I went for the first stage in testing to become a dispatcher for Loudoun County. The test was moderately easy. There were a couple of things I know that I could have done better on but I am not used to the type of test that they gave. Some things on the test were map reading, data entry, prioritization, comparison, memorization, and the ability to respond to things while doing something else. All in all the test went great. At least I think so. However, there was a woman there that asked the question "What exactly do you mean by data entry?" I was like is she for real? How the hell did she even make it this far? I am sure the instructor thought the same thing. It baffled me that someone in their late 20s early 30s did not know what data entry meant. I am sure she would be an excellent candidate for Jeopardy if things do not work out with becoming a dispatcher.

After the testing I went to have lunch and a movie with my father. We went to see UltraViolet. Which by the way I really enjoyed and recommend for people to see. It is not your average movie. It is mostly green screen but the whole movie is good. It actually dealt with vampires which I did not expect. But not the typical vampire sucking blood. It was a virus that changed you into a vampire but also killed you too over time.

I am heading to Baltimore this weekend to see my Grandmother. I called her last night. You see calling my Granny is a task so you have to be prepared to at least be able to give up an hour or more of your time. The conversation is ended by her at about 30 minutes but it picks right back up after she says she is getting off the phone. I checked so see how long I was on the phone with her when she said she had to get off to do some cleaning and it was 37 minutes. The conversation wound up lasting one hour and 9 minutes. She was talking about a neighbor of hers that she believes is running a drug cartel out of her house. She said that the cartel woman is huge and that she wears spiked heeled boots that she cannot walk in because of her ass being so big. She told me that the woman's ass is so big that you could ride it from here to Europe and back and not put a dent in it. She then informs me that the woman has handicapped tags and that the reason she has them is because there is so much lead in her ass and that they gave them to her because she cannot walk too far or the national oceanic associate would have to be flown in to get her from her car to her house. My Granny is the best. She is the only person I know that can make fun of anyone and get away with it. I hope I am just like her when I am older because she rocks.

Granny Power!!

Cheap Doesn't Even Begin To Cover It

I guess that this post is a little biased considering that I approach all day time talk show/educational shows with Oprah in mind. I think that most of America associates the quality of their daytime viewing pleasures with Oprah type standards. If Jerry were the standard setter I have a feeling there would be an even greater amount of male unemployment. That is all men would be unemployed by choice and supporting their local strip club. But, that has nothing to do with anything. Sorry for the tangent. What I am talking about is more important than our morals and character. It is the one thing that holds us together as a nation. Makes us stand up for our country with pride. I am talking about greed and the need to be compensated. It used to be that you went on a talk show to discuss problems, learn, or to try to be a talk show whore and spread your lovin all over Maury, Donohue, Sally, and last but not least Jenny Jones. Ricki Lake was a step above the sloppy seconds and no one ever watched her show so the tsw's never wasted their bad acting skills. In this day and age I find that people would sell their souls just to go on a talk show because of the free prizes and giveaways. It is like liquid crack for the stay at home mom. They just can't get enough swag. The audiences expect some type of gratification for gracing the host with their presence. Just being on the show is not enough any longer. And as we all know Oprah is the queen of audience gratification. However, Martha Stewart is not.

This lady has more money than the federal reserve. Most anything that she desires is given to her for free. So you would think she would give back to her audiences for supporting her. Especially, those that stuck by her while she became a temporary lesbian while held up in prison. Don't tell me you don't think she wasn't prefecting her new found love of muff diving while on barred vacation. Well she is not a giver. She is a receiver. Yesterday the studio audience got to take home some seed packets to start their own herb garden. Fucking seed packets that cost .0003 cents per pack. Come on Martha. I mean it is one thing to be frugal but it is another thing to be a stingy mommy dearest craft whore with only oneself being important. I mean are you going to start giving away the leftovers you cook on the show as door prizes? Or your used kotex? Talk about cheap. Sheesh! I wouldn't be surprised if you start charging admission and then a surcharge on studio oxygen. Martha I am truly disappointed in you. So stop calling me and begging me to be a guest on your show. Our relationship is over. You have betrayed me by giving away cheap gifts. How can I ever look you in the screen again? I am strictly Oprah now. Maybe in time we can mend this relationship but as for now please give me time to heal.

Tears.

Hack-e-Sack

I was invited to the movies this weekend with April and Adam to go see "The Hills Have Eyes." Now I have seen the original when I was a child and of course it scared the shit out of me. This version of the movie was pretty good. It did not scare me though like the original. Plus I am older. But, the movie was full of gore. People being dismembered and eaten. All the things you expect when you are in the desert on a cross country family vacation. At least that is what I expect. To hell with flying and staying at a resort. Give me some deformed crazy's any day. There is a part in the movie when someone commits suicide. He blows his head off with a shotgun. And it looked like you were there and watched the whole thing. It was beyond accurate. God love nuclear testing coupled with humans and cinematography.

Thanks to the previews at the movies this weekend I realized that birthday is 6/6/6 this year. Is this not the greatest thing since the second coming? It freaks me out that my birthday this year is officially the mark of the beast. Why? Why? Damn you Satan for having to make this number your own BINGO!! What were you thinking? I guess you were just trying to be smart and pick a number that resembles a coiled snake and has the sound of the snake sssssix and hey just for shits and giggles you picked three of them. I must be the luckiest damn person alive to have my birthday on your special lottery number sequence. What queer could ask for anything better. Just don't come a knockin at my door if you should decide to pick the anti-christ that day. I'll pass. I have to much work to do anyway. And trying to reign as the prince of darkness on earth is so overrated anyway. I mean I am afraid of the dark so what good would that position do me? Exactly. I think those evil girls on My Sweet Sixteen would be much better candidates. So there is my two cents and vote if you want it. Especially that little bitch that told her mother to shut up and sit down when they were dress shopping. She is an evil scum sucking road whore. Take her out!! Just a thought.

Well off to do some work. Yeah. Work.

Well you did piss in my cheerios by the way!

When I am at work I find that for me to be productive I need to listen to music. Now I do not enjoy the music that they provide throughout the building. Smooth Jazz 105.9? If they want us to be productive don't give us a dose of the most boring music to ever grace the air waves. I go to Launch by Yahoo everyday. Yesterday I am listening to their "Today's Big Hits" station and all of a sudden the music stops. It tells me that I have reached my monthly usuage threshold and that I can only listen to a free channel with a no skipping the shitty music option. Is this a spaceship? How do you reach maximum threshold on a computer music program? Damn them. So I have brought in my iPod today to listen to the music I enjoy. Well, I forgot to charge it so I only have a quarter of the full battery. And if I plan on watching an episode of "That's so Raven" or any of my videos I will probably get to see about five of them and it will die. I knew I should have paid attention to my inner thoughts last night when it said "Charge your iPod battery you idiot for tomorrow." Instead I fell asleep extremely early only to still be in a coma this morning at 5:30 a.m. when I am supposed to be up for work.

At least it's Friday. If someone says otherwise I too shall be added to the list of America's Most Wanted.

Stewardess...Excuse Me...Stewardess

I tuned in last night for the last twenty minutes of Martha Stewart. And, she has again amazed me at how above the average person she is. This one episode I watched was about having a tea party and she said that it must be served in a sterling silver teapot with sterling silver teaware. Now how many people do you know with a fucking sterling silver teapot set? Hello? Come down here with us minions Martha. Yesterday, this chef from some exclusive New York restaurant was cooking. Lobster with marinara pasta. All is good. Then Martha opens her once barred mouth and says that this is a dish that everyone must cook on the holidays for family. Excuse me? Did you just say to cook this for my family on the holidays? How much does lobster go for these days? That's right enough for me to never be able to afford to make this dish. It is not like it was a small lobster it was at least five large lobsters. No family is worth that. Especially, for that kind of money that could go toward a fabulous outfit. Martha has lost her mind again with this high falootin idea. Whatever happened to bread and water for the family? Okay I'll go cornbread and kool aid. That's it. Martha did jail teach you nothing? I thought you would have at least picked up a little white trash while locked away. Instead you got a shawl from a very close secret admirer while in jail. Who comes out of jail with gifts? I mean herpes yes. But, a shawl? It just goes to show you what a star criminal is capable of. Or maybe she is just a witch and has us all under her "fresh herbal garden" spell. Whatever it is Martha is still fabulous even though her ideas aren't always the best for regular society.

I just got a phone call from April that she is pregnant!! Holy shit!!

Here Butchie Butchie

I was watching a repeat of Martha Stewart the other day. It was their 100th episode special with Rosie O'Donnell. The entire show was entertaining. Especially, my lesbian lover Rosie. I have to say that I have liked Rosie O'Donnell from the beginning. Even when she was just on the comedy circuit. I fell in love with her personality when her talk show premiered. Now, I really do not know what she is like outside of television but, I would expect that she is almost always witty and that she too has her bad mood days. If I were a lesbian I would surely be Rosie's lipstick bitch. I can't say that I am physically attracted to her in any way however, her personality outweighs the physical aspects. I would be a fat girl lovin' muff diver. I mean come on fat girls need love too.

The fact that Rosie does so much for the community is very inspiring too. That is why I have decided to start dressing better. I want to give back to the community. I do not want to have a negative impact on the beauty that is found throughout our streets. I want to represent the beauty by sporting excellent fabric selections paired with the finest accessories. It is our duty as American Citizens to keep our streets beautiful. And I am taking a stand. Fashionista's, gay men, and women we must stand up for what is true. Lesbians please do not leave your homes without consulting a fashion representative. Whoever said that Burkenstocks were in was obviously either blind or had way to much money on their hands. Either way they may last until the end of time but in the fashion world their time has always been up.

I think if we really took a look at ourselves. Whether you are fat, skinny, short, tall, orange, pink, a midget, dwarf, elf, or queen you would see that America has become lazy in even its most important aspects of life. People are not dressing like they used to. We used to think that looking good and appearing "put together" in society was right up there with sleeping with our bosses to climb the corporate ladder. Now we just fuck them for the fun of it and compensation is no longer a factor. What has happened to the gold digging America I used to once be so proud of? It has become a 40 year old woman in sweats and combat boots with roots as long as the Mississippi River. I say we get a move on and tell Broomhilda to take a look in that talking mirror and become the slut we all know she can be. And it starts with Versace, Dior, and Chanel.

Fight the Power!! But, do it with style.

Purchasing

So I just got done placing an order with General Electric for work. I had to place it online. I had input all the items and everything in correctly however, after I submitted the order I find that there are errors. It put a quantity of three where there was only supposed to be one and then it put and item on the order double. Now the quantity thing could be a minimum of you have to order three.

But, the double item which I am sure I put in the correct item number. I read over the order three times. That is where the problem is. You see the item is $600. I don't think they are going to appreciate having an extra $600 item sitting around. But, who's to say?

Mistakes happen. This one just happened to cost $600.

I mean in reality that is only half of the cost for the Louis Vuitton Pet Holder I want. We must look at this situation from a brighter reality. Mine.