50 years and counting

My grandparents 50th wedding anniversary party was today. It was so good to see them. However, I'm realized today that I will never be part of this family aside from me loving my grandparents unconditionally. I don't want to be part of this family aside from that. As presents were being given out and opened by my grandparents everyone started talking about "Josh" my Aunt's ex-boyfriends son who is gay. Well they couldn't just ask how he was doing since we haven't seen him in ages instead all you hear is "fag" and "faggot". And people start impersonating the stereotypical comedic gay male. I sat there wanting to cry because deep down I'm thinking and you all don't know at this moment that you are amongst that which you laugh at. I got up, got my phone, went to the car, called Cheri and April and cried. I don't want to be part of a family where even though I know my Aunt Ganda and Aunt Velma love me...that I will never be accepted in. I could never tell anyone else about this. It is my secret part of my life...it is me...and those who will never accept it will never know the real "Paul." But anyway, going to the movies. Here are two pictures I took of myself today because I was bored and tried to speak as little as possible to the family. Aunt G and Aunt V I love you with all my heart and this has nothing to do with you it is the rest of the fucking ignorant family. And last you will no longer see me at family functions. This is my last one for the sanity in me.

Everyone enjoy the picture. I hope I'm not frightening!! LOL



What is it with 3am blogging?

Just got home from Cheri's apartment. She is my angel. She makes me feel so much better when earlier I felt like a total outcast of society. I love my Cheri to death.

Talking to Ralphy right now. God how I have missed talking to him and he the same.

I feel better but I'm over the whole "being part of a family." I thinking of myself more as an "orphan" at this point.

Night everyone!!

P.S. Happy Birthday to Patrick ...the sexy comedian of my dreams!! LOL

OH MY DAWG

So has anyone else out there in blogworld ever had a dog that licks walls? Seriously. Licks walls. My dog Lucky aka "LaQuita" tends to lick walls out of the blue. Is something wrong here or should I have not fed her those Frosted Paint Flakes when she was a puppy.

Last night Cheri informed me that Michael thinks I am very sweet. How did she put it..."Michael said you are such a sweet guy. He can't believe you wrote him a "Just Because." He really liked it and said he will never lose it." I am so in the field for victory now. Michael said I was sweet...that's enough to lift my spirits for a couple of days. Anywho, if you don't know what a "Just Because" is it is a poem that reflects on a person's outer and inner beauty. I don't think that people are told enough how good looking or how great their personalities are so I do this for very few people. So far I've only written one for Cheri, Michael and Rafael. The one to Summer is the "Just Because" of how she broke my heart...bitch. Anyway. Since Michael had to work third shift this week I don't think we will be doing anything exciting. I told Cheri maybe we could all catch a movie or play cards or something. Just a chill weekend. God I so need Cheri around so I don't crawl in my little shy shell. She and Angel say that I bring out the bad in Asian women...but I believe they bring out the "superstar" in me. Hope everyone is doing well...have a good night...I bought "The Missing" and I'm just dying to watch it...not really but you know I sometimes have to exaggerate.

Night all my bloggie boys and girls!!

Standing Ovariation

Aside from not falling asleep as I so desperately wanted to do at work today I had a conversation about the female reproductive system. Has anyone ever noticed that it sort of resembles a "moose head" when it is drawn in textbooks? Am I crazy or are women harboring "moose heads" but we call them vaginas? Here moosey moosey...want a carrot? I infact have too much time on my hands. If you add water to the "moose head" will it be like a chia pet and sprout foliage? Oh the endless questions that I have with the female vagina...as opposed to the male vagina.

Today was a pretty good day except for the whole "I'm feening" episode. But I'm proud of myself for I did not try to score anything. Those days I have told myself are over. It has been a long time since I've gotten high off of pills and I truly don't need them. It just comes up every once and awhile. It's sort of like the recovered alcoholic feening for a beer a year later. So in conclusion to this story I'm happy to say that while my brain was telling me "You need vicodin" the Pop-up Conscience Angel told me "Get over it." And I did. Yay me.

And I cannot express to my readers how much I am considering William Hung my American Idol. I only watched the first three episodes. But he is wonderful and the reason behind this is that when he went to a professional voice technician or whatever they are called he improved his version of "She Bangs." But it doesn't stop there...he sung "Can You Feel The Love Tonight." And what makes it even better he added a little zest to it...what do I mean...read below:

The correct line in the song: It's enough to make kings and vagabonds believe the very best

The William Hung Way: It's enough to make kings and wiggabons believe the very best.

How cute is that? Wiggabons..he is so my new hero! I can't wait until his LP drops..."White Dragwon." Am I being mean...nah...he lit up my life for just a moment and I think he rocks because he believes in himself. So big thumbs up to you William Hung...you prove Simon, Paula, Randy wrong...you become the American Idol.

Vaginas, Drugs and William Hung...enough said.

I'm in love with the photo



Cyn had a link to pictures from Gay Weddings in California. I really love this one.

Eating Out

I have come to the conclusion that I will never eat out for breakfast, lunch or dinner again. Not only did I get food poisoning last week from Subway but I had the opportunity to go the hospital yesterday to find out that I had gotten food poisoning from dinner Saturday night. Considering that I couldn't even hold a glass of water down yesterday I knew something was wrong. And the fact that I passed out at the hospital surely indicated something was wrong. So no more eating out side the home for me. Unless it involves the dinner partner from last Saturday's dinner. I'll get fruit this time. I mean it can't be that easy to get food poisoning from fruit...can it?

Other than that I go back to work tomorrow. I'm feeling okay. Except for where the doctor pressed on my stomach. It hurts like a bitch. And the fact that I can't help but think of that certain someone's smile/teeth. Have any of you ever seen something about a person and just can't stop thinking about that certain feature? God, what perfect, straight, white teeth. Ummm...umm...good.

It's almost 3am...

And I just got home with Cheri. No Michael. I can't see anything right now aside from a friendship developing. However, might I add that seeing Michael's face at dinner in non-club lighting is oh so beneficial. Not only did I think he was muy caliente before. Jesus Christ throw some cold water on this guy because he is fucking gorgeous. His teeth...words can't describe how much I'm hoping I have a bad dream tonight that involves certain people that I went out to dinner and to Deer Park with tonight. Michael is very shy at least he was a the club. Not that I was much different. However, at dinner he was very amusing. And did I mention that he is gorgeous? Yeah it bears repeating. Oh but what I wouldn't give to end that 4 years drought in the sex department. Not that I haven't had the opportunity to have sex...with some crazy obessesive women...but damn.

Let it just go on record that I did have a faboo time at dinner. The club I could have passed on. Due to the techno/house music that they play nonstop. Hello throw in a little variety. It's not hard. And also let it be on the record...

That whatever Michael would have wanted he could have had tonight. And that he is so ooh la la in the looks department.

P.S. I so have to get a picture to put online for you all to see. Patrick I think you would fall in love with him...or at least be aroused.

Where have I been?

Aside from not writing since the 17th I have been sick. Not the "oh I'm achey sick" but the "Oh My God make it stop" sick. I got food poisoning on Wednesday. I'm pretty much recovered. Food poisoning sucks. Really bad. That is why I haven't been writing. Today is the first day that I have actually been online. I know you all have been missing me. Thanks for caring.

Tonight is the date with Michael. Dinner and a movie/bowling/pool. I haven't decided exactly what will come after dinner. And yes Patrick I am paying for it. I'm going shopping with Cheri today in VA to find something to wear tonight. Not that I don't have enough clothes but I figure I need something new to wear just because. Plus I need a new scent. I'm thinking Blue by Ralph Lauren. It smells yummy. Anyway wish me luck on the date. My mother asked who I was going out with tonight since I didn't want to go to the Virginia Beach area with them. I told her Cheri, Michael, and I think Angel. She so thinks that Cheri and I are dating. If she only knew the date was with Michael. I'm hoping that sparks fly...I mean I do have the house to myself until tomorrow afternoon. And no I'm not some big slut that is going to just jump in bed with Michael if the opportunity arises...I'll more like glide into bed...LOL. Just joking. Anyway, details will follow tomorrow. Later ya'll

Saint Patrick's Day

So at work we decided that we would have a seasonal tree up. We started decorating it after I bought the tree for Christmas as a gift to the people I work with in my department. So far it has been used for Christmas and Valentine's Day. We are going to decorate it next for St. Pattie's Day. Aside from the normal shamrocks and leprechauns one of my supervisors Shelby has found "beer ornaments" that have a beer mugs with fakes beer in it with a shamrock on the mug. I think that this would be an awesome way to decorate the tree. I mean the true meaning of being Irish is drinking from birth on. Plus our Manager Tim said that the only reason he doesn't let us drink at work is because there is only one ladies room and one men's bathroom for the entire building and he doesn't want to have his employees outside squatting and pissing because the bathrooms are full.

I think I'm going to take a 40 in for the tree topper...that should make the tree perfect and show the true meaning of St. Patricks Day. What do ya think?

Anywho, as I said earlier today I got to meet Michael who is my friend Cheri a.k.a Ling-ling's friend. Her is on fire! I mean gorgeous. I think he is out of my league but when Cheri told him I said that he said that he didn't understand why I would think that. He told her that he really enjoyed talking to me on the phone the couple of times we have talked. Our encounter at Deer Park didn't go to well though because I was extremely tired from only having 2 hours of sleep and we really didn't get the chance to talk because at a nightclub you can infact not talk but yell at the top of your fucking lungs to communicate. I told Cheri that I would like to see him again. She hasn't had the chance to talk to Michael because they are working opposite shifts this week. I haven't asked Cheri for his phone number yet because I think that he should be the one to give it to me the next time we go out. He told Cheri that he wouldn't mind going out again. This time I told Cheri that I would like to take her and Michael out to dinner so that there isn't a whole lot of awkwardness. We will have a mutual friend there and if later we wanted to be alone Cheri would completely understand. She is going to try to get ahold of him this week to see if he wants to go out to dinner this weekend or next weekend. Please pray for me that things work out because I do enjoy talking to him and a relationship would be great right now and to have a guy that is as hot as Michael as my own...oh God the possibiliies.

Summation of the past couple of days

-Stayed up until 5am talking to Rafael Friday night...went to bed at 530am...got woken up at 8am...

-Woken up by Angel and Cheri to go to Virginia to go shopping...picked them up...went shopping...

-Angel took us out for Valentine's to dinner at TGIF's...

-Got back from VA and wanted to sleep but Cheri and I were going to Deer Park with Michael and Becky...

-Met Michael....HOT DAMN....want to meet him again real soon...

-Got home at 4am on Sunday...went to be at 5am...woken up at 930am....had to go to VA and Martinsburg, WV to pick up the girls...

-Still recovering lost sleep...fell asleep at work yesterday! It was great.

Happy Vowrentine Day

In the spirit of St. Valentine's Day I shall wear all black. Enough said.

In the spirit of St. Valentine's Night I shall wear red and hope that the whole clothing thing will be taken care of later tonight. Enough said.

Happy Valentine's Day To Every Last One Of You Committed Bastards!!

Untitled

Have you ever had the feeling that something isn't right? You can't exactly think of the "what's not right" part but you know something or someone is having something happen to them. Or is it just your mind playing tricks on you? I hate when I get that feeling. I hate it. It starts off with the thought that something is going wrong. Then I just zone out. Random thoughts. Then my hands start shaking. And I get extremely cold. What the fuck man?

From what I can remember I heard my mother get a phone call. She started to cry. This will happen within a month's time. Someone's heart is going to give out on them.

Where does this shit come from?

Thoughts as of the moment

Since I'm took the day off I have nothing better to do than write down current thoughts of the day:

1. If I ate meat today would I get sick since I can't remember what meat tastes like at this point?

2. Where can I get a nipple like Janet Jackson's with matching accessories (sunburst jewelry)? Yeah the whole jewelry thing is hot on Janet.

3. Which color in the Crayola box is the brightest? Because that's the one I want to be.

4. Will the naked images of Meg Ryan ever leave my mind? And how does one make a fake penis as a movie prop? *These questions came after I watched the movie "In the Cut."

5. Do movie stores offer refunds on terrible movies? I want a refund for the above movie.

As of the moment that's what is one my mind. I'll write more later if something else should occur.

Career Move

If I could be anything at this present moment of 5:53pm I would like to be either a dancer for Britany Spears or a song writer for Benadryll. I mean I am already well versed in dancing. Actually, I believe that I excel tremendously at dancing. At least when it comes to what most people think a white man dancing entails. I'm even better at lapdancing believe it or not. Ask Angel and whoever was out with us that night at the Casino nightclub. I haven't gave anyone or anything a lapdance in a long long time. I think things will change as of this Saturday. Although I have to wonder would I enjoy giving someone a lapdance or getting the lapdance? I mean I'd love to get a lapdance from Prince but the excitement of giving a lapdance and being all mysterious and naughty is just a little too tempting. Plus sex or whatever can happen regardless of who gives what. Moving on because this topic can lead me in a really bad erection...I mean direction...LOL. Since I don't kiss and tell the temptation to talk about these kinds of things makes me want to share more than I should. Moving on like I said.

I would like to be a composer for a song dedicated to Benadryll and how much I love it for all that it does. It takes away some of the sinus problems but more importantly it takes away the "being awake part of the night." I heart Benadryll. It and its pink luster are just the most wonder thing since NyQuil. Tomorrow since I took the day off I think I will write my "Ode to Benadryll."

Today however since it is close to Valentine's Day I am going to try to write a little poem using some people's names that I find as my friends and people's names I find as friends that I would like to fuck (*wink...Patrick).

Ode to Everybody I can tie into this poem for Valentine's Day

Funny, beautiful, you are a complete dish,
Happy Valentine's to my friend Trish.

Witty, fresh, and just don't give a damn,
Give it up for my girl Sam.

Some call you Ling-ling, your driving is scary,
Happy Vowrentine to asian gurl Cheri.

Oh my Gawd is all I can say,
Loving you sent to my girl A.

I miss you so, you moved so far and it's being to stink,
Sending love to Michigan to my friend Tink.

My best bud, who wears red panties with lace,
Hey there, ho there, to my friend Ace.

On the west coast you are out of my reaches,
I miss you more than you know my precious Peaches. (Erin...nothing rhymes with your name.)

Yeah you're hot,
At the traveling spot.
You'd be my number one Valentine's hookup pick,
Don't think of it as turning a trick, my precious Patrick. (Don't you feel special...four whole lines?)

So fucking on fire you burn my eyes like hell,
One day I'll have a piece of you my Rafael.

I'd take this doll for a twirl,
Hugs and kisses my Barbie Girl.

Yeah this poem is going to be discovered 1000 years from now and the human race will know that in 2004 the creatures that inhibited this planet were on crack.

But all in the same at least I thought of you. Happy Early Velentine's Day. Hugs and Kisses to everyone...even those people that are beauty challenged.

Big Corporations Can Kiss My Ass

So today at work we found out that we were completely merged with United Health Care. All you would think would be fine and dandy we were bought out by a 300 billion dollar revenue company. Not so. Here is the situation.

MAMSI gives it's employees at the beginning of each year 6 sick days and 3 floater/personal days. I was due for my vacation February 25th. I have used 46 of the hours I had between the nine given on Jan. 1st. United does not have a classification for each time they give. It is all lumped together in what is called PTO (Paid Time Off). Well they were giving us 2 PTO days right off the bat. Here comes the catch. The spokesperson for United tells us that you have 2 PTO days but anytime you used while you were a MAMSI employee (i.e. my 46 hrs.) will be subtracted from the 16 PTO hours you have. If you are dumb at math I will calculate this for you.

16-46= -30 hrs.

Yes I will have to take the PTO hours I earn each month from United and pay the hours back I used while I was a MAMSI employee. So I'm starting off with United Health Care owing them 30 hours leave for leave I took when I wasn't even their employee. To make matters worse the 2 1/2 days I have left of sick time will not be considered sick time. It will now transfer to Debilating Fund. It can only be used if I am in the hospital or a family member is in the hospital. So for me to have a "0" zero balance on time I would have to work until July to make up the time that I somehow owe a company I just became an employee of as of TODAY. There was a woman in the meeting who said "I have been here 5 years as a MAMSI employee. I have saved up 120 hours of sick time. Are you telling me that I cannot use this to take the day off to see the doctor or when I am just "sick?" The spokeswoman replied "No you can only use it if you are in the hospital." This to me is bullshit.

Reason 1: How am I going to pay a company that I didn't work for until today back time that I used while working for another company?
Reason 2: How can you just convert our sick time into something that we will probably never have to use?
Reason 3: How can you deny me my vacation time because it happens on 2-25-04 and your policies are effect 2-21-04. That is too close?
Reason 4: How can you tell us if we don't say yes or no to a 401k with you you will automatically deduct 3% of our wages and put it in a fund that you chosose?
Reason 5: How can we contact your HRDirect Department if we don't have access until 3-12-04?
Reason 6: How can you offer us a hotline for questions that is not toll free? Are you going to pay my long distance bill?
Reason 7: How do you expect us to get answers from our supervisors when they just went to the meeting with us today?
Reason 8: Do you not realize that you are violating Federal Statues on Labor Laws deducting out of our paychecks without our permission or signature?
Reason 9: Can you tell that I'm pissed and on the job hunt?

If not then something unfortunately is wrong with you. Just joking. But seriously I have a Federal Attorney looking into the situation. The Denton side of the family is coming out of this gayboy. The bitch I have deep down inside of me combined with the Annie Denton in me is sure to get this fucked up issue resolved. If you see me coming you better get under your desk because the Denton side has emerged and let me tell you it will not be pretty. If you are going to bitch but don't have the balls to do anything about it then you my friend are fucked. I however, have the balls and I'm taking it to the next level.

I may not have my degree in Politics yet but I'm damn near not so stupid that I can't see the violations this company is making when it comes to this merger and how its new employees as of 2-10-04 are being dicked over. Honey I may be interested in dick but I'm certainly not going to be dicked over.

Peace.

Yeah um okay

So Saturday D.C. was a no go because everyone took too long to get ready. Am I depressed about it? No. We wound up going to Deer Park. Did I have a fabulous time. But of course. All that eyecandy. It was like walking into a male model party. And to make it even better there was a drag performance at the end of the night. It was more than amusing as this white dragqueen that resembled a witch sang Beyonce's "Crazy In Love." I myself would have never wore the outfit that she chose but hey who am I. A bra and booty shorts with pearls everywhere. Did I mention she weighed like 350 lbs? I'm exaggerating but mama was stacked. A little too stacked to be wearing that outfit.

Anywho, I will be returning to Deer Park this Saturday. More excitement I hope will ensue and that kiss I'm waiting for from Prince (yes Prince) better happen.

I have much more to post but I'm listening to Ralphy play the drums. Damn he has a hot voice...yow-za! Not only does he look good but oh that voice. More to follow...but quite depressing stuff. Maybe I'll wait until tomorrow.

Here is where I'm headed tonight

Tonight is VelvetNation!! Woohoo!!

Nation Nightclub in Washington D.C.

How soon we forget

I know I probably shouldn't even write about this but it wouldn't come up if I didn't feel it was important. Knowing that I keep very few friends in my life it should also be known that these friendships are a lot more "intimate" than regular friendships. A lot of time and emotions have been vested into building these friendships. However, now I'm seeing that they are starting to fall like the Roman Empire. They have held strong for so long but they are slowly deteriorating. Not because that it is really one persons fault. It is just time taking its toll I guess. My friendships that are coming into light more than ever seem to be headed in the right direction. I should have invested more time into these relationships than I did in the beginning. It is funny how people just start losing the communication they once had. The way the bonds they once shared start to disappear and you are not exactly sure that the other person sees this happening. But if it happens it happens and there is not much else I can do about it. Time makes people grow individually and it also makes people grow apart.

Maybe I'm selfish and want my friends just to be "my friends?" I'd like to think that I'm always there for them but I don't know if I can say all of my friends are there for me exactly. Whatever the case I finally admitted to myself that I am lonely as I have always been. Alone. But for some reason that doesn't bother me as much as most people say it should. There is reasoning behind this however.

Now that people/friends know that I am at least half way out of the closet that is all they seem to recognize me by. Everything has to be "gay." I'm no longer just a friend I have become the "gay boyfriend." I have become the reason they are faghags. I don't say anything because I don't want to hurt them but my sexuality doesn't define me as an individual. I've been told that I need to look my "gayest" because someone and I were going shopping. Do I regret ever saying anything...sometimes. It is because I'm no longer seen as "Paul" I'm seen as "the gay friend/boyfriend." But whatever I guess I should be thankful that I even have friends. Right?

I mean yeah I have always felt like the person on the outside looking in but sometimes in certain instances I feel like I'm part of the crowd. But something is said or done that makes that feeling go far far away. I'm starting to realize that me being alone right now is probably the best thing because I can "straighten" things out a bit and try to bring some understanding to my not so pleasant life right now.

More importantly my mother asked me the other night if I "could ever sleep with another guy?" I told her yeah that it could happen. I mean it already has so what makes me think any different. She however does not know about this and really doesn't need to know. She knows that I've fooled around with another guy before but in actuality I have done the deed with another guy before. Anyway aside from me talking about things of the past she tells me "well if it ever happens I don't want to know about it because I don't think I could handle that." Hello what did you think me saying "hey there mom I wanted to let you know that I'm attracted to men and women?" Did you think that I just wanted to be friends with these people forever? Doesn't this just change everything. If she believes that I am just friends with a guy than it is okay but Lord forbid that I sleep with him. This is a time when I wished I just would have kept my mouth shut but, I would have probably stayed in my depressive/suicidal mood. Which leads me to a confession that no one is aloud to repeat.

I had written about having a dream (which this actually occurred) but that I scratched my wrists and made them bleed was a lie. I said that I woke up with the scratches. Actually i cut myself about 20 times. Something about seeing the blood flow out in the shower made me feel like I wasn't so far out of the loop of being "human." The cuts have since healed and I have since realized how stupid I was to do this to myself. I now have the mental picture of the blood flowing from my wrist and that alone is a reminder than while I may be the outsider I still am part of the human race no matter how far they try to push me away.

Yeah think happy thoughts. Here is a link about Pet Mills. It took me awhile to get the courage to read it but I finally did. Pet Mill Webpage to be passed along.

I am so pissed right now

I could just spit. I had paragraphs of stuff typed and I erased it. So now I'm not in a funny ha ha mood. So I'll summarize.

*Ling-ling and Sing-sing slumber party tonight
*Went into work late...smoked lots of cigarettes...lungs are heaving and screaming for help.
*Recommendation: Junie B. Jones...for the kids
*Uncle Dave had back surgery today...Aunt Ganda says a-okay....much highness on his part in the future...share the wealth with Aunt Ganda....and me.

Now I'm going to eat my vegetarian tacos and plot the demise of the world because I'm pissed.

Everyone I love you...now bow before me or it will be off with your fucking heads. Night everyone!! LOL

Me + Mary Kate and Ashley Eyemake= I Sparkle

Every now and again I like to get highlights in my hair. Not always blonde but orange, red, blue, purple, skittles taste the rainbow. However, the cost of highlights is out of control. I mean come on my hair is like not even an inch long...okay a little of an inch. Anyway I had bought this eye pencil eyeshadow thing for Halloween to use as I was dressing up as Mimi from Drew Carey. Well after Halloween I thought I wonder what would happen if I put it in my hair? It actually looks like highlights...plus I can get all kinds of different colors and they wash out that night. I have gold, green, bronze, blue, pink. But the deepest satisfaction aside from not having to pay $75 or whatever highlights is that it makes me sparkle. I thought this from day one of the fake makeupy highlighting idea but it was confirmed when Pat at work told me that I "shimmer, glisten, I sparkle." Is it just me or is she my inner dragqueen speaking from a woman's body? Pat is becoming a sensational faghag and it is because of me...and my new alterego...Sparky McSparkles.

Several of my new poems

I never share my "real" poetry if you will but I've decided why let it go to waste.

Fragments

Shattered glass scattered along my mind,
Each piece a reflection that makes you,
Original, one of a kind, beautiful.

Placing the pieces back together for wholeness,
Each fragment brings a new reflection,
Day by day more and more of you is repaired.

A mosiac of shyness and condemnation,
You are the mirror that shuns its own reflection,
Do you realize your potential?

If I put you back together and made you one,
If I carried you so that you would never break again,
Would you realize your fragments are incandescent?

A clash of theories on what your reflection shows,
Self doubting and the other knowing the enchantment,
You are a mirror upon the wall.

Summer

An angel that hovers in the corner,
Watching with her newly found vision.
She is the nightmare not the hope.

Does she even realize the torment,
Her light brings disaster and choas.
She is blinding not all seeing.

Floating as if held by the water,
Above the sea that is drowing me.
She doesn't breathe life but death.

A cold touch, a frosted breath, darkness,
Does she realize she is the deliverer?
She was the death to my love.

Unexplained

The arch that separates to the inner side of you
A forming of lines that makes the day feel brighter.
From this there comes the positive.

The piercing of the brown orbs that show you everything
Would they show the feeling hidden inside?
From this there comes the mystery.

An untouchable flame that is most inviting
But at the same time so distant.
From this there comes the negative.

A time that allows anything to happen
The fleeting notion of what Pandora left.
From this will come the answer.

Just Because

One day I'll fly away
Leaving everything I know
Hoping for the teachings of
Of that which cannot be spoken.

One day I won't be so blind
I'll have vision to see what
What others have yet to see
And words they have not heard.

Today is the begininng and the end
End of the day of realization
For what my mind has seen
And for what it has observed through speech.

Tomorrow is the past
Present of what is now found
Yesterday is now forgotten
Never to be lived, seen or spoken of again.

"My Goodness"

I think if I recall correctly that Shirley Temple says this in every movie she made. With that she puts her little hand above her head and scratches it with her pointer finger. She was so cute and grew into a beautiful woman. I have no clue why I'm writing about Shirley Temple aside that I remember ooing on trips with my cousin Stacy when we were younger and my Aunt Cathy would take us to this restaurant somewhere in Annapolis, MD or so and we would order Shirley Temples. I don't know why I remember that but I do.

I don't remember much from my childhood. I rely mostly on relatives to tell me things that I used to do and can never seem to remember them even when they tell the stories. I remember certain things due to my Uncle Dave filming them. The one episode in the park which is beyond incriminating and embarassing. Imagine a child in spandex bike shorts and a lime green I.O.U. shirt doing cheerleading with his amazon cousin Stacy (she towered over me then and still does) and my cousin by marriage (no blood relation) Crystal (who I almost slept with one time at my Aunt Velma's house). All you hear is my big squeaky voice doing some cheer that I thought was cool at the time. Place that with the fact that I was so flamboyant that the QE team had nothing on me and you see what I'm talking about.

Anyway, that is in the past. My favorite childhood memory is:

When Stacy and I were both living in Brooklyn, MD which is right outside of Baltimore City we were playing Barbies in her room on the bed. Now Stacy always had the latest and greatest of Barbie. We were playing getting them ready for the daily ball that all Barbies attend. Stacy was brushing her dolls hair and the head popped off. She was upset but figured out that you could just push it back on. Well she pushed a little too tight and the head ate the neck. It was the true meaning behind head and shoulders. She asked me...

"Does she look okay with not having a neck?"

I said, "No she looks like shit Stacy...how many people do you see walking around with no necks? She can't go to the ball looking a mess like that."

Stacy replied, "You are so mean. Gimme your doll. You get the ugly one with the bad hair."

She snatched my glamously done Barbie and gave me some haggard doll.

I replied, "That's okay I can work miracles even on your twin."

She ran downstairs crying and I laughed.

I knew at that moment I was headed toward utter fabulousness. I knew at that moment I was a total "Bitch." And I've reigned ever since.

Memories.

I'm so going to Cleveland

Because Patrick is there and he doesn't think I'm hideous as does the rest of the internet population. Damn chatrooms.

Does anyone remember...

The show with Muffy the Mouse who lived in a penthouse inside a department store. There was a magic maniquin and the security guard was a puppet. And there was this black lady with really bad jericurl taking care of the toy department. If so please leave the name on my comments because it drives me crazy that I can't think of the name.

Aside from that Muffy rocked! She was a cute little gray puppet rodent with blonde hair and buck teeth. She is my hero. Plus the vact that she had an elevator in her house...damn now that's living.

It is so frigid outside. I have a feeling mother nature isn't going to be so sparing with the "coming of the precipitation." The newscasters say that it should most likely be rain on the local weather. (Note: The local weather in WV is basically a really fat and middle aged man guessing). The weather channel says however, that there will me "muchos de hielo" or a lot of ice. Anyway you look at it tomorrow will be shitty. I'm not expecting more than the "dark and gloomies." And yes I have to travel in the bullshit to get a CT Scan on my sinuses. That should be buckets-o-fun.

My two cents...

So I find that a lot of people find 50 Cent attractive. Am I the only one that thinks he could be the fourth "Chipmunk?" I mean yeah he is all built and all but what the fuck happened to the face. I think more than one bullet penetrated that disaster. He to me is just a big no no.

1. No your teeth are not bucking out like that and you have the money to get them bitches fixed.
2. No your eyes don't always resemble someone high on crack...there are surgeries for that problem.
3. No you really don't need that bullet proof vest and bomb proof Hummer...both in God and my eyes are hideous.

And now moving on to more important matters Clay Aiken. Yeah my motherfuckin eyes are achin' from the ugliness you exude. Damn but if he doesn't look like he is made out of molding clay. And the accent...oh hell no. Where the hell are you from again? Go to a fucking speech therapist bastard you have the fucking money. Damn. I mean yeah he has a good voice for being twigboy but try to at least ennunicate your words. Hello you are a public figure. Again he is a no no.

1. No your hair does not resemble the inside of a fucking skittle bag...please change your hair technician.
2. No your mouth is not bigger than the Mississippi is wide...keep that pit closed.
3. No you actually are the ugliest monster I have ever seen...Beauty and the Beast is touring...have an audition?

I am really being hard on these people. I mean yeah they must have something I am lacking..."looking fucked up in public." Whooo! Jesus I know I should not be judging people but holy hell Batman these people bring me some night tremors. Rupaul without makeup is scary...these two are just plain physically impaired with no chance of recovery.

Yeah I had a good day. Actually a very good day. Some things just have to be said and damnit if I'm the one to deliver the message than so be it.

Goodnight...

Yesterday I spent the whole day having dizzy spells. It sort of reminded me of when I was tripping on acid and laying in the bed with my eyes closed but I could still see the room spinning. Today they are a little better. Last night proved a no go to any club or anything. So it's strike two in the meeting Michael department. But I'm fine with that because of the dream I had last night. Now I usually don't remember dreams or the actual "picture" of the dream. I remember conversations and things that are spoken. I know this sounds weird but ever since I was in 7th grade when I had this dream that my friends Sandy and Mary died in a fire and the next day the announcement was made at school it had happened I really don't like to dream about people or dream at all. Amanda you know that nothing good comes from me dreaming of people in my dreams...remember the time we died in that car crash dream? Yeah...I'm a total catch for any of you single men or women out there!! Anyway aside from my weird psychic/psychotic ability the whole dream was the following:

The Picture part I remember:

Getting into a bottle of Percocet and having an endless supply. (This could reflect my old dependency on narcotics...or that I was feening last week).

The Spoken part I remember:

My mother voice kept on lecturing me on how I "needed a woman to make my life better". Then she states "You know I've come to realize something I don't care if you are sleeping with another guy because..." (note: something is seriously wrong with my brain) "...Paul's milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and their like it's better than yours damn right it's better than yours."

I know that this dream really isn't that funny or anything...I think it borders on the lines of weird and disturbing...but I liked it. To hear my mother sing "Milkshake." That is priceless. Now if I could only get her to do this in real life.

I feel that it has been decades since I have spoken to Ralphy. I got on Yahoo messenger the other night and some guy left me a message "Okay let's see what you've got Paulie." I wonder who he was? But the real point of this is a memory I have to share.

So everyone knows that I'm very hmmm...how to put it...kinky/dirrty/naughty. I'm a closet freak. So when I was younger I would get online and go to the chatrooms. I had heard of cybersex and everything but never thought to try it until I was about 16. It was like 3am when I had finally settled on a guy to cyber with. I thought to myself how am I going to act like a seasoned pro when I have never done this before? I thought should I write like Danielle Steel or like a porn star? I voted for porn star. Well the whole "first cybersex experience" went okay. It surely didn't turn me on or anything I mean come on it's only words. Anyway, after that first experience I became an addict. I'm saying 6 or 8 people a night. I had people hunting me down when I would leave chatrooms. I became the cyberslut. I had several different users names. Some I used to cyber with men...some with women. One to just go online and talk. Anyway, after establishing my reputation as a good "cyber fuck" I started asking for pictures. Did I get them? Hell yeah. Summer had created a dummy email account where we would keep them. I wish I could remember the name and password. I had amassed a collection of about 650 pictures in the matter of six months. I was on top of my game. Summer and I would get online at the same time and do "cyber threesomes" with who ever. It was a game. See how many pictures and people you could "get off." Then it happened...some guy had to ruin it. I had cybered with him several times because I thought he could keep up and not just sit there and write "oh yeah" and "uhhh" he could actually add to the whole encounter. Anyway, he had somehow found out my name, address, and telephone number. I have no clue how but he did. He sent me an email saying he would be calling. So then and there the whole game stopped. I haven't cybered since I was about 17 or 18. He never called but I've never wanted to take the chance again. I mean it's pretty bad when you are so good at talking dirrty to people that they actually try to come in real contact with you...he was really good looking though...what was I thinking?

Today I may cyber...it's been so long I don't think I remember how to talk dirrty? Yeah right.