Lost is my middle name

I at this very moment am so full of sadness. Not the type of sadness where you just cry and sleep but the kind of sadness where you cannot sleep and your mind weighs so heavily on you that you feel nothing will make you happy again. Not even next falls Prada. (Sorry there is a little humor in me). I've lost him. He said he needs time to deal with what I did. You know the email situation. This guy does not know how much he has done for me. How much I love him. How he was the first person to make me accept me for being gay and not being ashamed of it anymore. I think about that night and how I could have not sent that email. How all I had to do was let things be. But how much I wanted to pay him back for all the good he had done for me. The gifts I sent just weren't enough. I wanted him to be happy and I thought I could help. It turns out my act of love seems to have ended a friendship.

I just want to scream and cry for him. I want to know that when he says he needs time that it is soon going to be over. That he will be my friend again. That ever since we met on line on December 29, 2003 will not just vanish. I want to know that there are future memories and conversations with him. I want him to know how much my heart is breaking. How I am constantly thinking of him. How I can't look at his picture. How beautiful he really is. I want to stop crying everytime I get on the computer and he is not there. Stop crying everytime I know not to email him because he needs time. I want him to be back in my life.

I want my Ralphy back. I want the tears to stop just for a second to hear him calling on the phone or when I open his email. I want him to know I love him and even if things never change I always will.

And your point is?

I am hopelessly looking for other employment. My job has become the mosting annoying thing in my life. The pay is okay. The coworkers are great. But is it really worth it to want to drive off a bridge every morning so that you don't have to go back? Maybe. I haven't yet decided to take the plunge. I have applied for 12 jobs in the past three days. Hopefullly one of them will work out. Otherwise, I am considering becoming a professional dragqueen. And I can honestly say I don't think that career would benefit me either. My point is:



I NEED ANOTHER FUCKING PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT BEFORE I GO POSTAL.

OMG. OMG. OMG. I need therapy or a crack rock which ever is cheaper.

Cruel Intentions

When someone decides to help a person who is caught in a catch 22 is there a way around the person lending the helping hand to not be in a catch 22 as well? What started out as good intentions slowly morphed into an act of cruel intentions. The thing is is that the person doing the lending of their hand still doesn't see how what was out of the kindness of their heart became a or is being seen as an act of trickery. Am I so blind not to see the other standpoint? No. I played both scenarios in my head before taking action. It just happens that the wrong one or the one I did not want to happened...happened.

Situation: A friend of mine decided that he/she truly adored another person. He/She decided to tell me about the person. I found that person good for Mr/Mrs He/She. Then he/she decided that they were not too sure of their standing with "the person being adored" and asked me to email then to find out "Do you consider He/She a friend?" I took it upon myself to wait. He/She tells me to not do it several days down the road and I don't. Then I'm talking to He/She and their attitude is different and they are talking crazy over this person. To the point where I am thinking they may do something drastic so that night I email "the person being adored." The person I email gets annoyed and says that I'm prying for information that is none of my business and asks why I would even send an email in this nature? I tell them I did it to protect my friend He/She. I understand it is wrong but I'm just looking out for friend who in no way is to blame for me sending the email. I did this on my own accord. The email receipient gets smart. And argues but by the end of the conversation I have apologized for being "the friend who worried about He/She" and the answer "good enough" is the end of the conversation. In the meantime, He/She is talking to me and I tattle on myself. He/She gets mad but says that he/she can deal with it because I was just doing it to make sure He/She wasn't hurt. Well this happened before the conversation with "email person/person being adored." Well during the little typing touche I accidently confess that He/She "likes" Email Boy/Girl. It just came out. So I send the whole conversation to He/She and have yet to hear back from He/She. And I am 174% devastated. (*If you know who I'm talking about please don't say their names.)

So the whole situation baffles me. He/She was in the catch 22 of if "I talk to this person I'm putting myself at risk to be disappointed" but "If I don't talk to this person than I'm not at risk." I got tired of hearing the "I'm damned if I do talk and damned if I don't talk speech" and sent the email. All I was expecting was a "it's none of your business" reply. The I tell He/She the same thing I have been saying: "You cannot rush someone into loving you. It takes time. You say this person does like you one minute then flip the script. Give it time you are such a great man/woman and you have to give this person time to get to know you. Things just don't happen overnight. Unless you are a hooker." Yeah the hooker part is just me trying to be funny about the whole situation. So what started out as good intentions (and that's all they are) are being seen as cruel intentions.

I am lost. And I never got to say goodbye.

Yay Me

Saturday I have a date. With whom you may be asking? His name is Sumit (not summit....su-mit). He is 26 lives in Annapolis, MD. Am I nervous? A little.

What I am truly worried about is is that me being sick will not clear up by the time I have to leave on Saturday afternoon. And I really don't want to have to cancel. Tell my sinus's to get better people and to stop making me do the thing that is gross that I don't want to say but I'll say it anyway so you don't think it's diaherrea...it's puking. Oh my God. Breathe.

Weighing In

Today I feel like the steam building up inside of a pressure cooker. Or the chicken...doesn't matter. Can there possibly be more pressure put on one person to make them want to become a drug addict again? Why yes, yes it can happen. My mother calls me today and we have the following conversation.

Mom: Don't be mad at what I have to say.
Paul: Okay. (in my head I'm thinking please just load the gun now.)
Mom: Dad called me and said that he watched the movie Gia.
Paul: Yeah. What's the big deal?
Mom: Well he said that it was a crazy movie. That there were people kissing in it. Like from your norm kissing.
Paul: I know. What is the big deal? Why did he watch it anyway?
Mom: I don't know but he told me that the more he finds out about you the more he questions you. He questions if he really knows who you are? So I think it best if you don't say anything about going to Deer Park, Michael, W & G, or any other topic that is gay related because I really think he is starting to suspect something. And I don't know if he can handle it. I don't want this to pull our family apart.
Paul: Okay. I'm not mad and I understand. It's cool.
Mom: Are you sure?
Paul: Yes. It's cool. I'll see you when I get home.

So let's see...should I feel like there is more pressure on me? Maybe. Maybe I am reading into this more than I should. Maybe I'll start reading history, or watch only the Spike network. Maybe I will revamp my whole entire fucking life to please someone. Maybe I will start playing sports and blech and drink a six pack of beer everynight. Maybe I should just move away...get the fuck out of dodge. To hear this bullshit is unnerving. To have someone suspect something by the television or movies I watch. I am interested in many things. Gay, straight, bisexuality, animals, cars, decorating, shopping, fashion, music, art, cooking. Why is it that only the "gay" aspect of what I like is seen when there is 9 million other things that make me...me?

Anyway, today I came in and popped in W & G and my father brought me the phone. He saw what was on the television, handed me the phone, and rolled his eyes, and proceeded to walk away. I have this fear that he is going to ask again soon. This time if he asks he will have to deal with the consequences of it. If I have to move so be it. If I lose him in my life, if I lose my mother in my life so be it. If this breaks the family apart so be it. I am tired of caring about what other people think when it comes to me. Get the fuck over me. I'm not that important. Focus on yourself for once and analyze youself. No worries. If he asks and I say yes I hope I get to make another entry. That is honestly what scares me the most. Take from it what you will.

Get the fuck out of town...

I just got back from Baltimore. I miss that city so much it is disgusting. The smell of cat piss in the alleys, broken glass from homeless bums broken in the street, litter...litter...litter. The old people who have inhabited their houses for the past 60 years. The pollution cloud that can be seen the morning sun. The way it never seems to be dark out because of the city lights. The sky is always a glow. Plus the fact that my family lives there makes it even more unbearable to be away from. That is why I visited this weekend. It was fun. There was laughing, cussing, shopping, and eating. Memories.

Here is a picture of my grandmother in a church hat. She is such a bad ass.



Enjoy.

When good was named Snotty Puecockis

I woke up this morning. The sun was shining. I actually woke up early enough to take my time getting ready for work. Then the realization that I had to puke kicked in and spoiled what was going to be a fabulous day. I wound up not getting to work until 1030am...well actually 1033am. And I realized that I want to go back to my old job. I'm tired of working insurance fraud at Mamsi now known as United Health Care. It is boring. It does however, offer good company and the chance to bullshit about 4 out of the 8 hours I am there. I called my old job and talked to Aleisa who is by far one of the sweetest woman I have ever known. I am hoping that I get hired back on Monday. Weird to think I will be going back for the third time. I must really be destined to work there. I hope that I get to go back.

Other than that everything else is going good. Mom paid two cars payments for me. I don't know why but she did. I did not ask. I am really a spoiled brat. I used to not think I was but I realized when my father gave me the $300 for my Louis Vuitton wallet that I was a complete and udder titty baby who gets everything he wants. And I am so grateful for that. I just got done walking two miles. It was great. The wind was blowing, my back wasn't hurting and I barely broke a sweat. And my list of fucking daily reading of the blogs list is getting out of control. I need to stop linking off of others people's pages because pretty soon I'll be online for like 6 hours just reading journals. I'm already on for like 2 hours reading and writing daily. This addicition has got to stop.

Anyway, fuck rags I have a new link for your viewing pleasure. This link is to one of the hottest guys in Ohio besides my love Patrick. So go there or I will have him kick your ass because he is way taller than me. He is 6'7". I'm only 5'10". Compared to him I'm a midget with a bad back. Get to clickin bitches.

Introducing the one and the only "Shamus.

BTW, thanks for visting the my journal Shamus and for using the word FUCK!!! Yahh...ha..ha. I'm infecting everyone with potty mouth syndrome. The world is now mine.

I probably won't be posting again until Monday because I'm headed to Baltimore tomorrow at around noonish. So everyone please have tons of sex, drink much, and post more so that I have something to come home to.

And just because I'm not finished I give you:

Random thoughts and blabberings I had today at work...and said out loud

1. I feel so sorry for old people in their 70's because they will never be able to see all the new quarters. I mean they will never get to experience the new Hawaii quarter because they will probably be dead.

2. I hope you all know that this Details magazine I have with Nick Lashey on the cover is only used for mastubatory purposes. Please don't tell me you thought I bought it for the reading material. And look I'm very neat...no sticky pages.

3. If I could be anything in the world I would so be Jessica Simpson. However, I would not have been such a dick tease. I would have been the slut she had always wanted to be. Oh and did I just call her a thing?

4. I have gotten so bad at running stop lights and stop signs. It's like I went all color blind but still see color.

5. I wonder how many women have actually slammed their nipples in a desk drawer or closed them in a hard cover book? That's when you know your tits are just to much for one hand and one bra.

Wine me, dine me, and then pay for the bill.

Please don't think I'm that lame to say "69 me." But I just did so fuck you. Anyway I came home and my fucking favorite number 69 was the amount of unread messages I had in my email. I do and always feel special. Thank you.

At work I thought I was going to have a fucking nervous breakdown. Not that there was anything to be nervous about. I was extremely bored. Okay people I took paper clips and post-it notes and made action figures. Pictures will follow. More importantly I wore women's sunglasses and tons of curly glittery ribbon in my hair as I wanted to have long hair today.



Hence the picture.

This morning I talked about having sex with twins guys. How hot is that. Just because it was me saying that hot gay sex with Paul and his brother would be interesting doesn't mean I'm a whore. Hello I've only slept with one guy in 23 years. Granted I slept with him from 12 until 19 but one. I really need to get out more. And what is it with me and asian men these days. I think Cheri got me started and now I'm finding that asian men are overlooked.

ASIAN MEN ARE FUCKING HOT!!

Cheri has always told me that once "You go asian you don't go caucasian." I'm thinking that is true.

I managed to use the word "fuck" quite frequently today. Usually I try to not use it at work. And what you just read is a total fucking lie. But if I had to guesstimate how many times it was used I'd have to say about 150 or more. Yeah I have a really bad potty mouth. Anyone who knows me that the word "what" is usually followed by "the fuck."

Like the first word that came out of my mouth this morning was...let me see...hmmm...FUCK. It could be because I tripped over some big canister that was in the floor and twisted my goddamned ankle. None the less I knew it was going to be a wonderful day. So far I haven't found the wonder. But I am full on pasta.

Time to go. Walking again with my mother who has decided she is the next Richard Simmons. Trying to motivate me and shit to walk. What the fuck? She is so paying my $172 cellphone bill.

P.S. She called today to tell me she was so it's not like I'm giving her an order to do it. Spoiled brat...nonetheless.

Kaleidoscope

Today I decided that I needed to add some pictures to my site because I figure "a picture does last longer." So here we go:



Me at work. Notice that I'm not doing any? Hello it's Happy 4/20 day!!



My home away from home. Cubie in need of a doobie.



The back wall of my cubicle. Notice the big Orlando Bloom poster. And if they didn't know I was gay before...



Some of the magnents I have hung in the cubicle. And I swear I'm not vain...really.



My favorite thing in my cubicle. A wooden mouse sitting upon a Ritz cracker box. How fucking cute?



My ride Sadie.



Sadie striking another pose.



A picture I took while driving home.



A picture of the mountains I pass as I go over the Potomac and Shenandoah Rivers on my ride home. Sorry the quality isn't wonderful but you try driving and taking pictures at the same time.

Aside from the pictures I was thinking today. I was talking to Cheryl and she was asking about how many journals do I visit a day. I wrote everyone down. In order as they are on the my favorites list. This is in no regard saying you are last on the list it just happens that I found you later on in life so you are further down the list because I don't know how to but them in any order. Not that it matters.

Cyn (B)
Tricia (S)
Phil (G)
Faustus (G)
David (G) Congrats on the house!!
Patrick my Love (G)
Bob (G)
Bill (G)
Julie (S)
Billy (G)
Wayne a.ka. My Twin (G)
Margaret Cho (B)
No Milk (G)
Christian or Mr. OnFy-yah (G)

Notice the B/S/G's at the end of everyone's link. Cheryl asked me how many were "gay" journals. And I'd have to say over 90%. This got me wondering. Oh BTW:

B=bisexual
S=straight
G=gay

I wondered how it is that I read primarily gay/lesbian people's journals. I mean it could be because of linking from page to page. I don't know. I know though that I am beyond comforted knowing this. There aren't many gay people around here so at least reading makes me feel that I have friends just like me. So big ups all of my bloggie buddies. Thank you for starting and maintaining your life as a book for me to read.

Anyway, I am off for a walk. My mother wants me to start walking with her. I need the exercise anyway. Plus the whole smoking thing. Yeah that needs to stop. Not just for me but because with the money I can save each week I can totally rock my Louie Vuitton bag by next fall.

Oh just think of the possiblities. Hope you enjoyed the pictures. I may have more tomorrow if I feel the need to not work at work again.

One more thing:

Today I wore sandals. Now it appears to me that sandals would not make your feet lively with o de funk however, I was proven wrong. I took my sandal off for a split second and bam. Like a lightning bolt my nostrils were screaming to be sewed shut. Cheryl, my cubicle partner asked what was wrong. I held the sandal in the air and directed my fan toward her. She gagged. Choked. And then tears came to her eyes. My feet are death to small animals, a halt/cringe in fear force for humans. I am in need of Dr. Scholls. The carpet has even decided that it doesn't want me to walk on it and has peeled itself back so that it is safe. OMG, I'm not dirty. I take a shower twice a day. What the fuck is going on with my feet? This my dears is going to cause me to have to seek counseling. Not only do I have to spend $5 on some foot smelly stuff but the years of therapy ahead are going to cost me a fortune. I blame it on these god forsaken sandals. They are being trashed tonight.

Trust me...I would never ever be a bad influence

Saturday night Michael, Cheri and I went to Deer Park to celebrate Cheri's 23rd birthday. Usually, it is a boring time of just listening to god awful techno music for about 4 hours and drinking. This weekend proved to be different. We had a blast. Well I mean it was a little bit my fault but that's besides the point. I thought "Hey it is time to celebrate." So I decided that everyone I was with needed to be tipsy. I bought Cheri 4 Fuzzy Navels in about an hour time span. I bought Michael 5 Long Island Iced Teas in about an hour. I myself had 5 Long Islands, 3 Fuzzy Navels, and two shots of Absolut. Let us just say that no one was feeling any pain. So we are all having a great time dancing, talking, laughing. I decide to go out to the car and call Rafael/Ralphy. Plus I needed time to get sober before driving. Now mind you I did not have more than a buzz. I'm a pro and it would have taken about 8 or 9 more drinks to get me drunk. So I buzz dialed Ralphy. We talked for about an hour until Michael comes stumbling out of the club. I had to help him to the car. Cheri comes stumbling out of the club and gets in the car. We head home. Michael stayed the night at my house and my mother took Cheri home because I had a hella headache after sobering up. I blame myself for Michael getting sick. We had stopped at Sheetz before going home and Michael puked for around and hour and fifteen minutes while Cheri and I talked to Wagner and Matt. Anywho, I didn't know Michael was such a light weight. Really I didn't. But he is feeling better today. I helped take care of him on Sunday morning and afternoon to try to get him to feel better. But trust me I didn't mean it.

So here is a picture of Michael and I must say it is so the best one I have of him yet. You can see how wonderful he is:



He passed out in my hallway the next day because he couldn't make it back to my bed. So I left him there until he woke up because I figure he was close to the bathroom and he looked so peaceful sleeping there. That is why I have named him "Drunken Napkins Hidden Cutie."

By the way did I mention that I'm in love with Ralphy's voice. He has such a sexy little voice. I wish you all could hear it. But I will keep it for myself. Having Rafael as my friend is beyond wonderful if I haven't said so lately. Oh and here is a new link my people to Christian's journal. He is Rafael's friend who lives in NYC. He is 22 and takes care of his nephew. I wonder how long he has had him? I'll have to ask. But I'd like to get to know him from his journal first and then ask questions. He also is a performer. I hope he doesn't mind but Rafael sent me a song he sung and it was absolutely making me cry. It is called "We Belong." Yes I cried. He has an awesome singing voice too. Might I mention to that I have seen a picture of this guy and he is on fy-yah!! So here is the link to Christian's Page.

And here is my third journal: LalaPaullooza. I am sure this one will be a little more uninhibited. By the way the page is totally ugly. I'm working on formatting and stuff. Plus I have to join to create my own style...and style my people I have.

And here is another nifty thrifty page of another HOT GUY...No Milk

I'm off to catch some zzzz's considering I haven't had many and I actually feel tired. So I'm going to take advantage of not being ready to party but ready to crash for the evening. Oh and it is totally 93 degrees in the WV today. I'm am elated.

Picture Day

So the picture you will see to your left is me. I decided to finally come out of the closet and show myself without a mustache. I think I look a little better. At least Ralphy says so. Anyway, I hope this picture doesn't scare any of my bloggier readers away. I know I'm not attractive but I'd like to think I'm not as scary as a monster.

Bust a nut

Yesterday a co-worker made the remark that the truth about me(Paul) is that I don't do any work while I'm at work. I will not mention her name. We shall call her Tellitub because she resembles a Tellytubby. So the smart ass remark was left alone and I tried to move on. This morning at work I made the decision to bust my balls from here on out and show her who the fuck she is messing with. Now honestly I work. I just take my time. This way there isn't as much stress and I enjoy my time at work. Somedays I slack off because you get tired of doing the same thing everyday. Insurance Fraud is not all it is cracked up to be....believe me. So to add salt to the wound she says today.

Tellitub: I don't know how you keep your idle time down so low when you don't do anything?
Me: Well considering that I've called 114 people so far I can't see why my idle time would be high? I'm working.
Tellitub: Sure you are. I know you are dialing disconnected numbers and staying on the line.
Me: Yeah that's exactly what I'm doing. That's why I've spoke to around 40 members today.
Tellitub: Well it is good that you have it low because you don't work after lunch anyway.
Me: "I said and did absolutely nothing."

Idle time: Based on 7 hours and 30 minutes. You need to be a 65% or lower. It is based off of how long you have been on the phone to how long the shift is. So if you work 3 hrs to have a 50% idle time you would have to make enough phone calls to equal 1 hr 30minutes of talk time.

Contacting members: Making contact and doing updates with insured's to see if there is any possible fraud on the account.

Now that you have had your lesson in vocabulary today let's move on.

So I had made the vow this morning to bust my ass and I did. I will continue to do so. Here is the good part.

My supervisor Jerry walks over to me and says "You have been on fire today. You are doing better than anyone on the team." And guess what Tellitub just happened to be standing by my cubicle. Pissed off and red faced she stormed back to her cubicle. She says she doesn't understand how I am a level 25 and she is only a level 22. Guess what bitch because I came in as the shit and I'm getting the title back.

So if one more thing is said to me I'm taking it to the manager. I don't feel I'm in the wrong because I don't disrespect her and worry about her performance so why should she do that to me. She is only 19 and is the crankiest and moody girl I have ever met. No wonder the doctor put her on Prozac. I think he should throw in a couple of valium too. But them I might ask her for one. LOL.

Anywho, that is what my day has consisted of. A bitch bitching about me and me working to the point of busting a nut.

But I did go shopping on lunch and bought three small flower arrangements for my cubilce, two candle holders, and a wooden carving of a mouse sitting on top of a Ritz cheese cracker box. (I collect mice). So yeah work was good but the shopping deals were even better. 50% off everything I bought.

But enough babbling I've got to take my movies back. I rented LeatherHead and Cheaper by the Dozen. To be perfectly honest with you CBTD as good but I only wanted to rent it to see Tom Welling and to see if he would take his shirt off. I was disappointed because he only took it off with his back turned to the camera. *tears*

OH MY GAA COULD HE BE ANY FUCKING HOTTER? NO I DIDN'T THINK SO!

Fuck the pepper...pass me the EPT

I feel like I'm either pregnant or on the rag. I am emotional one second and a bitch the next. Does our brain tell us to go through all of this? If it does I wish that it would just set itself on one emotion a day. I am so impatient today that it is driving me crazy. I am becoming more impatient with not having a special someone in my life. I think I'm going to hire a boyfriend in the meantime. Yeah, I am not that desperate.

Anyway, I watched the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (new edition) last night. It was okay. You see I'm not that much on horror movies because when I watch them I tend to not want to sleep. I already have enough problems sleeping and enough issues with the dark so there you go. But I didn't even move last night. I haven't had a full night's sleep in about 4 months. I took 5 Tylenol PM's and bam knocked out. I can't do that again. Taking all the stuff is so not good for your kidneys. But tonight I'm gonna just because I want to sleep so badly. Back the the subject I didn't even dream about LeatherHead or whatever they call him. He was ugly...ugly terrifies me but for some reason no nightmare. LeatherHead is my newest best horror movie friend. We are doing lunch next week.

I highlighted my hair last night. It looks wonderful. Or as Cheri would say "fantabulous." I really think God built me wrong. I think I was supposed to have brown hair with blonde highlights when I was put together but on that day the beauty shop was all out of that style wig-for-life. So I must chemically torment my hair and make it how I see fit. After all I am in control of my destiny. And destiny just happens to like me with blonde highlights.

Well kids I smell chinese food so something must be brewing. So consider me off like a prom dress.

P.S. And no I have never worn a dress to a prom. Only for Halloween. LOL.

Skippy the Happy Chow

Shrimp Chow Fooon is my favorite Chinese food at the moment. However, it is hard to find around here. Luckily, I asked the woman at Lotus if they could make it for me. She asked "How you know about the chow foon." I told her that my ex-fiance got me hooked on it. I now have a place to order Shrimp Chow Foon from. I am the happiest of campers.

I am so get lonely again. Is it just me or do gay men prefer looks (which I am told I have) over personality? I mean yeah I weigh more than Rosie O'Donnell...just kidding. But I'm not ugly and from the right angle I think I look pretty hot. Anyway, my point is is that all I ever see are hot men hooking up. You know the eye candy guys. I'm like you sluts have you even talked to the person you are sucking face with? No I didn't think so. Someone out there in bloggie world has to find me a damn man. Please someone find me one. Just one that's all I want. He doesn't have to be god sent. I like nice teeth and a good personality. I'm getting so tired of trying to win Michael over that it is not even funny. However, he did tell Cheri that she needed to make sure that I was asked to go to D.C. this Saturday because he wanted to see me and wanted me there. Is it a sign? Probably not but damn it I want to kiss..kiss...kiss him so bad I think that if I'm tipsy this weekend I just might grab him and do it. Damn it I'm tired of being all submissive and shit when we go out. I'm going to get what I want.

Tricia: I got the ring back and took the fucking thing back. If I hadn't of gotten it back "OH MY GAA" would have it have been on.

Bill and Patrick: Since you both have an extensive collection of porn what would be your recommendation as a good one to purchase? I'm thinking I want to buy one. I'll just carry it in my messenger bag at all times is all.

Everyone else in the world: When can you find me a man?

P.S. Did I tell you all that I got my ears pierced? Well I did. They are healing still. And I'm thinking of getting another hole in each ear. Now that I know I'm not allergic to metals (cartilage reject 4 times) I'm turning into a freak. But I'm not getting anything aside from my ears and possibly me labre pierced. Tattoos and piercings...what next?

Does your Tuna Taco need Sour Cream?

Conversation brought to you by Cheri, Missy, and Paul:

Paul(me): Vagina's are weird. I mean manhood is a different story. You can put whipped cream and cherries all over it.
Cheri: Why can't you put whipped cream on a vagina?
Missy: And the boobs?
Paul: Well if you put whipped cream on a vagina it just reminds me of a really bad yeast infection. And I have a rack of my own so why would I want to mess with someone else's?
Cheri: You know you like to decorate. Think of it as an art project.

Why is it that I am always talking about vagina's at work. Well I mean I was text messaging at work so it sort of is at work. But I did use the word "Roast Beef Curtains" in a sentence today. I think that is the worst slang for vagina. Eww. But like I said before vagina's are weird and when you draw the whole reproductive system you wind up with a moose head.

If I were a toad today I would be horny. What is up with my sex drive these days. I have one good dream and I do mean good about Michael and now I'm like okay I'm ready when you are. That is why Satan invented porn. For my viewing pleasure. Actually porn makes me laugh. However, it has to be noted that some porn is quite a turn on. When you find one with the "model/eye candy" stars. Ripplings abs, perfect teeth, no tan lines.

I don't own any porn. I mean I have had magazines but they are at April's in my stash because Lord forbid I have it in the house. Plus gay porno magazine in house=no need to come out to daddy. So the question is posed:

How many of you own pornographic material? (I sort of own it but it is at another location)

Vanishing....well sort of.

It has been quite a while since I have posted. I have been really busy. Between getting my emotions/sadness under control and work I have been quite busy. I have talked to Cheri and somehow I am the one who has to regain her trust. She said that what I wrote in the email to her broke her trust. What the fuck ever. I was mad she knows this and I told her that I was venting in the email. She said that I have to earn her trust again. Please I should be the one earning the trust back. Hello the ring being bought...she let me buy it without telling me all of this. So a friendship is still there I just don't see us ever being as close as before.

I really need a boyfriend. To hell with a girlfriend. I'm done with women. And I know that a boyfriend would make me so much more happy because hello...gay boy here. Yeah I fell for a girl but what I really need is to fall for a boy...not that I don't fall for many many men...it's just that they are taken or eye candy.

Anyway, I just got back from Virginia. Bought tons of stuff with the grand my father gave me to mend the broken heart. I will so have to take pictures of my room. I have totally redone it. New comforter, new flower arrangements, a cute baket/trashbin. Oh it is just tooooooo much. I'm in love with my room all over again.

Anyway, if you know a cute guy that you think I would or could possibly have a relationship with please feel free to let me know. After all there aren't many men in WV that bat for my side. Or have a killer decorating knack that can keep up with me. I am so going to Cleveland to take Patrick up on that drink.

Things change

And I've decided to go back to insane journal. What is the point of making all of you change you links anyway down the road. So I'm back. I talked to Cheri today. I'm hoping things work out for a friendship. I'll keep you posted.

I can't believe

I actually changed my blog address. I never actually liked my original title so I figure it is a step in a new direction. Anyway I just thought I would test to make sure it is not publishing on both sites.

Once again

This is the last blog entry for this web address anyway. If you know me good enough you know I can't stop writing but I can change the address and that is what I'm going to do. So thanks to those of you who have read my journal for so long. It is just time for it to be kept private.

So long,

Paul

This I want to remember...my last email

Cheri,

Hmm. I'm wondering how to even start this but, it is already begun. I know it is not your fault that I fell. Some things just can't be controlled. It is like telling the apple not to fall from the tree. You can't stop it from happening. But, do you honestly know how much I was in love with you? Of course you don't because I knew it could never be returned. For whatever reason that changed your mind it doesn't matter. I offered you time but I knew that it would end up this way. That you didn't think of it in terms as I had. You said once that you would never lie to me. That you would never say something that you didn't mean. For some reason I doubt that. I doubt a lot of things now. I'll never truly know if the things we have talked about were sincere. You can always say they were but something just tells me that they weren't. I just don't think you know what you want. I don't know if you ever will. I would have given you the world if you would have asked. Anything for my Cheri. The one who made me for once feel like I was wanted. The one who made me for once feel like I felt when I loved before. When I told you today that the wall is built around my heart again it wasn't to make you upset or mad. It has been done once. It came down for you but I assure you that it is there again. It will never love again. Everytime I give my love to someone this is what happens and I'm just not willing to risk it again. I am used to being alone and that is the way it will be from now on. I have managed to neglect friendships and other relationships. I will depend on me. No one else. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I loved having you in my life for the period of time that I did but, like you said people are meant to have that time and that is all. So tell Michael I'll miss his sense of humor and going out with him on the weekends. Tell Missy I say hello. Tell yourself to move on and and forget about me as does everyone else I've ever given my heart to. Tell yourself that I'll love you no matter what but that it just isn't the same and having you in my life is a chapter that has ended when I shed my first tear for you today. Tell yourself whatever it is that makes you feel better so that I know my heart is the only one hurting because hurting you is the last thing I would ever want to do. Tell yourself that I loved you and while I can't forget about you I can have just that your memory and that Cheri is all I want.

Love you,

Paul

Where to begin...

I am thinking that this will be my last journal entry. Not because I don't like sharing bits and pieces of my life. I have just realized that I don't want to remember everything. I honestly don't want to remember anything. I just don't want for anything anymore. It has been fun for almost two years coming home every night and writing down little oddities and happenings that have occurred but, after today I don't want to remember them.

Cheri decided that she wasn't ready to get married. I offered her as much time as she needed. She said she needed more time by the way. And I was told that she just wants to go back to being friends, "the way things were before." I don't think she realizes how much I loved her, how my heart broke at work today when she told me. How the wall that I let come down from around my heart has been rebuilt yet again in the matter of minutes. How can she expect me to be her friend again? I think the whole time she was feeding me bullshit. Bullshit. She told me once that whatever she told me was something that she meant. She would have no reason to lie to me. Well I can't say that I believe any of it. She told me that she wouldn't of taken the ring if she didn't mean it. She wouldn't have let me buy it if she didn't mean it. Well that was all a lie to me. She was so worried about after her surgery that she would change and I assured her that while her physical beauty may change for the better she would always be Cheri. Well I think I was wrong. Now that she is healed she is different. She is arrogant, self-centered, cocky. Things she never used to be. I'm not mad at her. I'm sad. And what makes me feel even sadder is knowing that none of this upsets her. None of it.

I am once again the fool led by music. My heart is once again hidden and this time I assure you no matter how many "you shouldn't do that's" I hear it will never and I swear never be let open for another person to trample on again.

Get used to being alone is what I have told myself today because I have years of it ahead. I am that person scorned and I'm not willing to let it go this time.

WTF

So Cheri's ex-boyfriend R called Cheri today to inform her that I am just playing her. He said that I have so many skeletons in my closet that I need to tell Cheri and that I am just using her to cover up for me being "a faggot." Also to inform her that he better never see me or that "will be it." Let me explain that R is Angel's (one of my close friends) brother. He said that both Cheri and I can come see the kids however, I can only see them when he is not around. I am asking myself "WHAT THE FUCK?" I mean I know that it is making him jealous that I have Cheri's love and he doesn't but damn man. Anyway, R is going to try to call here tonight to talk to me. It's whatever. He told Cheri that I am a very smart manipulator and that I am a puppet master that controlled him for a while when it came to Cheri. Now his strings have been cut. Does this boy sound psycho or what?

God my life is wonderful...I just love how people that I don't even know but on a "Hello there, how are you basis?" suddenly have so much to say about my life and want to become so involved. I think I'll need a personal organizer for all the meetings I'll be having. As of now it is R and Keith (another ex). I'm going to be so busy...how will I ever help plan the wedding?

Blog buddies I need suggestions...have at it.